Every Second Counts. Phan.

one

dan

death. i welcome it. i'm not scared to die, sometimes to want too. i have days were that's all i think about, others when i could never imagine doing it. that's how depression works i guess some days your fine others your not. i'm used to it now, nothing can make it leave me alone. no amount of pill or therapy can stop these suicidal thoughts for more than two days. i guess that's why my mum sent me to the camp, as a sort of last hope. she's constantly scared that i'm going to kill myself and i feel bad about that but i just can't help it.

the silence was deafening. my mum's eyes were glued to the road ahead. i wanted to say something anything to break the awkwardness that surrounded me.

"you will try and get better won't you daniel?" i rolled my eyes that's the third time she's said that in the last week.

"yes, mum" i replied like every time.

i know she cares about me but it's so annoying how she's always on at me about getting better when it's not that easy. but i'll smile for her so she believes i'm getting better and keep my true feeling locked deep down.

the roads began to get bumpier gradually as we neared the campgrounds. i was dreading having to share a tent without someone else and their issues. i rolled my eyes again for the fifth time.

we pulled up and i began bitting my lip. a nervous habit i had picked up for all the therapy sessions. i dragged my bag out the back and struggled along the path in front. 

"daniel howell," i said, in a low voice, at the sign in desk.

"here you are. you'll be on pitch 54 with philip lester" the guy handed me a sticker with my name on it and wristband with '54' on it.

"before you go in we need to make sure you haven't got anything on you that you shouldn't have." i was patted down, my bag was searched and a dog sniffed me all over. never in my life had i felt so small as i did now. this is like a prison. it already felt like it.

"well goodbye daniel," my mother said kissing forehead lighting before turning and leaving.

i was left standing with the guy. mike his name tag read.

"just follow the signs and you'll find everyone else."

the trees around me had been tied to make a sort of archway, with deep greens leave letting sun rays beam through. the trees thinned out revealing a group of teenagers.

i sat at the back of the group away for all people. i wanted to go home already.

"hello everyone and welcome to camp firefly. this will be your new home for the next three months, the aim of this camp is to try and help you with your problems and for you to meet others that may be going through the same thing. you will be having daily therapy session and partake in at least two activities each day. hope you all enjoy your time here."

i sighed at the idea of having daily therapy. like that's going to help me.

"54"

i walked over to the women holding a '54' sign. my bag was making my arm ache and i just wanted to sleep.

"follow me," she said smiling brightly at me.

a boy slightly smaller then me ran over to us with a bright smile to match. great that's just all i need someone who's happy.