BENEATH THE SMILE

Chapter 11-Depression

I thought that it had been a joke but it wasn't. Paul had really broken up with me. I called but he never picked. I texted but he never texted back. He made my life as hard as possible. I hated everything around me.

I would place my phone on the bed, besides me and stare at the screen with hope, hope that he'd call me, that he'd feel some pity on me and talk to me.

I was even mad at the birds that flew over the house, chirping and minding their own business. I felt angry. How could the birds be happy when I wasn't! The sound of the church bell pissed me off, it reminded me of that walk Paul and I had had. It reminded me so much of the man who had shattered me.

I did everything I could to get him off my mind. I would go visit my friends and try to fit in by acting as normal as I could. I laughed, smiled and even danced with them, as if that would take my pain away. I pretended to be alright.

They all fell for it. Not even one realised that I was going through hell. I was fading away, and they didn't even notice. I wished that I was that girl. I wished that I was Pearl. I wished I was the one he had chosen over her.

I hated her. I hated her for taking away my joy. She took away the only person that made me feel complete. I turned to the only thing I thought would was my pain, drinking. One day bought a bottle of Jamesons whiskey and drank myself to death. I hoped that I would wake up in heaven, where it's all joy, merry making and absolutely no sad days, but instead, I woke up in my bed, with a terrible hangover. My sorrow was not about to end.

My sister had given up on trying to strengthen me. She had taken care of me ever since the day our parents died in a car crash. She was probably tired of baby sitting a now grown up girl.

One day I received a text from Paul. I jumped off the bed with excitement on seeing the message. I was very happy, shocked and surprised, all the same time.

The love of my life is back to me. I thought as I hugged the phone tight onto my chest, beaming with joy.

"Yes yes, he is back. My baby is back to me. I knew it. I knew that he loved me. Lord, thank you for bringing my angel back," I shouted at the top of my voice, not even caring if anyone heard me and thought that I was crazy.

I opened the text, grinning from ear to ear. I expected to jump up in celebration after reading it. What happened after I read the text drained all the energy out of my body.

Jenny, you really need to understand that we are never getting back together. I was confused but now I am sure.
I love Pearl and I will always love her. Please stop calling me and texting me. My girlfriend is uncomfortable with your calls and texts. If you do not stop, I will be forced to block you.

I fell to the floor and without a word, I broke down into tears.

How in the world can I live without him? Why did he ever come to me if he never loved me? Why did he go back to the girl who broke his heart?
Did he just use me to nurse the wounds that she had caused to him?

I could not stop asking myself questions. What had started as a single drop had now . I cried so hard that my head hurt.

*********

As always, Caroline was my stronghold in my darkest days. I called her and she never hesitated. She came home within a few minutes.

She was there for me, through it all. She was the kind of girl who didn't care whether I was in wrong or right,she just wanted to see me happy. No matter what.

I remember laying my head on her laps and crying away my problems. I had fallen asleep on her laps and when I woke up,her skirt that had been wet from my tears had dried up.

She stayed at my house till 8:00pm and left after making sure that I had eaten dinner and swallowed some medicine for the headache.

"I don't want you killing yourself because of a useless jerk. He doesn't know what he just lost," she said.

With the help of a friend, I felt a little better and even managed to sleep throughout the whole night. It had been a while since I had had a good night's sleep. I had spent many nights crying over the loved one I had lost.