* Book two of "I should feel like:" please read the first one before this.
This book focuses on the aftermath of the book being release into the public eye.
More importantly, El's mental health.
Josh trying to save her by the only thing he knows...
Kennedy sat on the porch, she was wearing sweatpants and her hair was up.
"Make this quick." He told her as he noticed how tired she looked. But he was tired too. Kennedy had looked down on him throughout their relationship and even now. She wondered how he could resist her. But her week had been hell. Everyone decided to turn all of the negative talk on her.
"Josh sit down, we need talk, like adults."
"Adults? Kennedy you've been acting like you're in some kind of middle school drama. My business is not yours."
Immediately Josh regretted what he spat out in anger. Taking a deep breath he shook his head; he was being a hot head. If she wanted to talk he could do that. He forced himself to make eye contact with her. Two years ago he was hurt over those lifeless eyes.
"Look, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to spit it out. You deserve better."
As Josh went to cut her off she held up her hand.
"Let me finish please. Josh you are—were the love of my life. I made a stupid, stupid mistake; cheating on you was wrong as well as getting together with your friend. But we were together for two years. I saw the ups and down. I know you better than anyone. Which is why I'm saying that you deserve better. Dammit this is difficult to say—You have a big heart and usually that is a good thing. But not in this case. Part of me ruined the good person that you were. I'm so sorry for that."
Kennedy turned her body to face his. She knew that this wasn't right. That it was wrong of her to try and persuade him to leave El. But she couldn't stop herself.
"An—And I am so scared to see you get hurt."
A lump in her throat formed and she wiped away the tears that gently slid down her face without her realizing. Josh watched the girl who was always so stable fall apart for the first real time.
"Josh you're so kind and I know you think 'I love her so I will save her' but what about yourself? Or me? Or us? There will be no one to save you when she breaks your heart. Josh you're already drowning. Listen to me. You deserve a happy ending. What's it been? A month and you've lost every single thing that I—I love about you. I love you. So if you were to do one thing for me, do this. Leave her and—"
Kennedy leaned in for a kiss, Josh turned his head before her lips connected with his. He looked down to his feet and stood up. Kennedy grabbed him as he went to walk away. He turned around and stared her in the puffy red eyes. She used to be so beautiful to him. The blonde hair and the glowing skin. Those blue eyes that made him smile. Now he realized it wasn't love, it was a delusion that he created by wanting to be loved. He didn't want to be alone.
"I don't know what I think anymore and some days I have no idea who I am. But there is one thing I'm certain about."
"What's that?" She questioned with a small smile on her tear stained face.
"It's that I don't love you. There was never an 'us' it was just a 'you' and I've finally accepted that." He said loud enough so she could hear him. "You don't love me Kennedy and I'm sorry to have to say this but there will never be an us. But I am certain that I am going to save El somehow. I may lose myself in the process but I already did that before. When I was with you. I'll find myself again." He bluntly stated as he started to walk back to his car.
A year ago he would have jumped at the idea to be with her again, to kiss her. He would have ignored El and worried about Kennedy. Even though cheated on him. But now he knew that what he felt was small. Josh never cried over her or put that much effort into a date before. He also knew that if he had been more active and put more effort into their relationship they wouldn't have gotten to that point. Josh understood now that it does take two. Even if he wanted to put all the blame on her, to hate her and hold a grudge he couldn't. Because deep down he also hated himself for it.
"You don't know what I feel. She's going to kill herself and leave you here to suffer! And I hope you do you bastard!" Josh opened his door and turned around.
"Well that's my decision to make, not yours. I hope you find happiness with someone else but that someone is not me. I'm sorry."
Shutting his car door he didn't bother to buckle up as he pulled away from the old farmhouse. Finally everything in the past seemed to be put to rest.
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