color blind//lil xan

six

live stream;

Billie quickly set up her phone in front of her mirror going live. Her followers have been going crazy for her to do this, so she gave the people what they want.

The sound of Post Malone played in the background as she waited for people to join.

She started to say hi to the people entering while starting to prime her face.

"I guess I'm just doin' my makeup 'cause apparently I've gotta post soon," I told them, answering the question of 'what are you doing?'.

She continued to say hi to the new comers as she started to do her simple makeup. It normally consisted of concealer to cover the dark ass circles around her eyes, foundation, bronzer- sometimes actual contour if she's feeling it, a ton of highlight, quick and easy eyebrows and sometimes a tiny bit of eyeshadow with a thin layer of mascara.

"I'm not really going anywhere that I know of," she answered a common question in the comments. "I just need to post an Insta pic today and I don't really know what to do. And I'm bored as fuck."

"'Where's Ayalla?'" she read. "I dunno, man. She's probably sleeping if we're gon' be honest."

"Ugh, this song is so annoying," Billie went to her laptop to switch the popular song that's been overplayed. "Oh, I like this one though."

"I am not high," she answered a question. "I feel like people are just gon' be all 'you bullshittin', but I'm really not. Like, this is just me. People think I'm on something new or on coke or something because I'm so all over the place. But really, I'm just sober. Like, this year is the longest I've stayed sober. For like, a long ass time I was just stoned all the time or I was on some other drug."

What the worst drug experience you've had?

Billie started laughing so hard tears actually started to form. "The worst drug experience I've ever had is actually really bad. Like, it shouldn't be this funny and my brother is gonna give me shit for laughing because I know he's watching. But, it's so funny because I was so stupid," she explained. "When I was dating this one guy, he got me to try a lot of drugs. Like, a lot. And this is when I was getting off of pain meds and shit so it was real hard being around him. But that's completely off topic."

She started laughing again, thinking deeper into the memory. "I was in a real bad headspace and my boyfriend was like, here, try some mushrooms. And me, being the fucking druggie I was, was like 'oh this will be fun'. No lie, I took too much and I though I was a portal to the demon relm or whatever and that all the demons were like, going into the real world. So, I was like, fuck what do I do? Like fuck, I've gotta kill myself to stop this."

"My brother - he was there - and he said I looked like I was going schizo or something. Like, he said that's the scariest thing he's ever witnessed. I ended up stabbing my collarbone with a knife. I tried to go for the neck, but my brother was holding my arm down so I couldn't. I just got stitches and a lot of rehab."

What's the worst drug you've done?

"I feel like the worst drug I've done would have to be fentanyl. It's close between that and the shrooms. Like, I've only fucked with fentanyl once, but that was one of the worst experiences. Like, the high wasn't bad, it was the after part. I feel like I'm making no sense right now."

"Basically, I took one half of a pill and this one girl took the other. She died, I was in the hospital for a while. And I still feel so fucking shitty because of it. Like, I could've died that night, but instead it was some girl. Y'know? Like, that shit fucks you up for life."

Why'd you quit drugs?

"Boi, drugs are so bad. Like weed, that's the only good thing out there. Now, that's the only thing I'll do. I don't drink, I don't pop pills, do lines, smoke random shit. Like, they're just bad. But the reason why I actually was like, fuck I have to quit, is because I moved."

"I've got a shit ton of trust issues when it comes to that shit. I don't take no drugs if I don't know where it came from. And when my mom told me we were moving, I was like, fuck. I just kind of slowly went off it and when we actually left, I just stopped. But for a while after, I'd sneak a few because I was addicted, y'know? I mean, I'm not gon' lie and say I haven't taken a few once and a while. Like, when life gets real shitty and I just hate myself so much I'm like, damn I could really use some percs right now. But like, it's all progress, y'know? Like you can't just get off shit overnight. It doesn't work like that unless you're magic or something, but nah. It's just whatever I guess. Well, it's not whatever, like it's a legit thing, but it's better then being high all the fucking time."

"Like, for five years I wasn't sober. It was mostly weed, but still. I don't know. Also, my manager said I can't be high all the time so that's a reason why I cut down on weed. Also, that shits expensive. Like fuck. I only smoke dabs now, and that's fucking expensive. I don't got the money to be high all the time anymore and it sucks. But whatever I guess."

Why do you seem high af if youre not?

"Yeah, I'm actually not high, I'm just an ADHD kid. Like, I was on adderall, not abusing it or anything, it was legit just to help me, and I stopped taking it I think 6 months ago. So I also started drinking a lot of coffee so that doesn't help too much."

Can you do relationship advice??

She started laughing again at the comment. She found it funny how people would ask her, the one who sucks at relationships, for advice.

"I'll do relationship advice, just send in your questions and concerns."