Elise Riley-Tate moves through life in search of her happily ever after. After suffering a devastating loss, Elise questions her womanhood and place in her life and marriage. An unfortunate sequence of events leaves Elise in a conflicted situation...
" The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places" ~Ernest Hemingway
September 19, 2014
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" El! Baby..." Zach yelled coming through the garage door into the kitchen looking at something intently on his phone.
" Stop yelling, I'm right here dude," I said while pouring the cooking oil into the cast iron skillet. Zach approached me from behind placing a smooth peck on my cheek.
" How was your day bae? You're home early," Zach stated while perching himself on the stool at the island in the middle of the kitchen. I watched as his biceps flexed underneath his polo shirt as he rested his elbows on the island.
" Remember I told you we had that professional development meeting at the central office today. We didn't get out until about 2:30, so I just came home. They took all day to tell me something that could have been an email. Mr. James played Candy Crush on his phone the whole time until it died," I said around a laugh shaking my head at foolishness.
"Oh ok! I had a light day myself. What you cooking?" he probed while looking over into the contents of the bowls on the island.
" I had this craving for some fried green tomatoes, so that's what I'm making. I also got some fish fillets for you," I answered moving around the kitchen.
" Cravings huh? You got something you want to tell me" he inquired lifting his eyebrow at me. I know what he was hinting at, but I also knew that wasn't a possibility. He just didn't know. I knew that I needed to tell him, but I didn't feel like arguing today. Everything had been going so well since we came back from our trip and I just didn't want to rock the boat. However, I also didn't want to keep hiding stuff from him.
" There is something I want to tell you, but it's not what you think," I said dragging my tomatoes through the flour, moving it to the egg mixture, and then to the cornmeal. I dropped it in the grease and then looked up at my husband.
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" I'm on birth control, so I-"
"You're what?" He cut me off.
"I'm on birth control," I said as I continued putting my tomatoes into the grease.
"Since when Elise? I don't remember us agreeing on this," he spoke while joining me on the other side of the island. I took a few steps back because he was right up on me and for some reason, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"Since after our last appointment with Dr. Anneise. I tried talking to you about it, but you wouldn't listen and kept shutting me down. " He sucked his teeth and moved to the other side of the counter.
I turned to face him to continue the conversation, "Dr. Anneise said that we didn't need to get pregnant before having surgery, but you refused to listen to that. There was no way I was putting another child in danger when I know that my shit is broken and can't support it and even if this tumor weren't there, I still would be on birth control because I'M BROKEN OKAY. MY HEART IS BROKEN; MY UTERUS IS BROKEN; MY FAITH IS BROKEN!" I screamed falling onto the floor. I was trying to remain calm, and I assumed that I could explain my reasoning to him without breaking down but I couldn't. It just hurt so bad.
My body shook as my screams turned into uncontrollable sobs. I balled up in the fetal position right there on my kitchen floor unable to control the way my body shook and convulsed. I felt myself being lifted from the floor. Zach carried me into the living room sitting with me in his lap. He rocked me back and forth rubbing circles on my thighs in an attempt to call me down.
I lifted my head up and gazed into his eyes, " I'm broken" I said just above a whisper, " You trusted me with carrying your legacy and I failed. I let you and my baby boy down." I looked pass Zach's head and stared at the wall.
"Don't say that baby; there was nothing you could-"
" Don't do that. Don't placate me. I know that you blame me, I know that this is my fault and I have accepted -"
"You're not accepting shit!" he yelled. I could feel his body temperature elevate and the vibrations from his chest shook my entire being. " It WAS NOT your fault Elise. There was no way you could have known about the tumor, and there was nothing that you could have done to save him. Look at me. LOOK AT ME!" he shouted causing me to snap my head in his direction. We both sat there staring at each other. Both of our chests were heaving as we processed our different emotions.
Zach turned my body, so I was straddling his lap and facing him. " I understand how you could feel broken, I do, but what I want you to understand is not once did I blame you. At one point I blamed God, but I never blamed you," he said while rubbing his hands up and down my thighs. " I prayed and prayed that he would fix everything, that he would take care of both of you and then to see my baby boy just laying there..." he wiped his hands down his face, " ..it broke me. It broke my faith. But...," he looked into my eyes, " You," he pointed at my chest, " helped me pull the pieces together. I watched you get into your word and fight back against the pain you felt. You pulled yourself up even when I kept letting you down. That's not someone that is broken, that's someone that is strong" he finished pulling me down onto his chest. He kissed my forehead then placed his head on my chin while I snuggled into his chest.
I don't know how long I kept those feelings in, but I felt a little lighter letting it out. Although I felt lighter, I was drained. All that crying and screaming took all of the energy I had. " Babe, what about my tomatoes," I said tilting my head to the side resting it in the crook of his neck.
" I turned them off before I brought you in here, but I'm pretty sure there either burnt or have absorbed ever lick of grease in that pot."
I sighed. It really didn't matter at this point because I was too tired to eat.
" How about we take a nap and then head to Cypress Inn for dinner," he suggested while leaning back to look at me.
" That sounds good," I said burrowing my head further into his neck. Zach patted my thighs signaling he wanted me to get up. " No, I'm comfortable," I whined. Zach blew out an exasperated breath and then sat up and picked me up and carried me up the stairs to the bedroom with me still attached his front.
He sat on the edge of the bed and leaned back with me still attached to him. Someone would say that I was being extra or that my behavior was childish, but I needed to be connected to him. I could feel the transference of energy from him to me, and for that I was grateful. Despite his frustrations, his love always trumped his other emotions. I was thankful for him and thankful that God gave me him. Even in my weakest moments, he reminded me of just how strong I am.
