Diary of a Mauerbauertraurigkeit

The Ugly Duckling

Dear Readers,

I had decided to update every week on Monday. Somehow, I am unable to keep the pace. One more thing that is off-track is the story-line. It was planned to be an epistolary novel but now I am choosing not to reveal many characters. There won't be many names. But the purpose of the book is still intact. Somewhere in your life, you might have gone through the same phase and the same feelings might have filled you. Whoever you are out there, trust me you are stronger than you believe. give yourself power that you hold and believe that you can do anything in the world, only if you try. All the failures, all the struggles, all those gloomy moments and that period of depression that you have went through made you stronger and a better person that you are today and you behold an entire universe within, So shine on!!!

Lots of love your way :*

Stay Blessed and Stay Happy, Always!

February 16, 2011  

Dear Diary,

The more I think about life, the more I entangle it. All my life I did everything on my own. It's a proud feeling when I say 'I am a self-made girl.' There had been no one beside me when I had to stand in a long queue for filling my examination forms, where every other girl was accompanied by their fathers or brothers. Nobody accompanied me when I had to find the center for my examination, where others were there with their parents or siblings of grandparents. I had to do all the research if I had to find out which college is good for further studies, no guidance provided for understanding my career. A girl coming from a lower middle-class family, with schooling in her mother tongue, I had worked hard to improve my English and to be a part of the people I was surrounded with. I never had friends because the definition of friend then was your looks, the brand you wear and the party that you throw. Then I realised that if I want something different, I have to be different. I don't need to be a part of their world. I did it. I never cared for the fashion divas of my college nor the athletes who were famous for nothing. I never initiated a conversation with anyone to be their friend. Yet people always wanted to be in my good books. Not because they loved me nor did something great to make myself different but because they needed me. They wanted notes from me, books from me and counselling from me. I gave them what they expected from me. The real me was always hidden. I always was the one who listened. I always craved for true friends in my life. Then I found one. But the Almighty didn't want me to rely on that sole friend much, to be a better person. So, he took that friend of mine away from me. After one full circle, I was at zero again. Today, nothing has changed much. People still are the same. I never found a true friend after Rehan. I still give people what they expect from me. They want to be listened. I listen. They want to be appreciated for what they have done. I appreciate. They want to be loved. I love. I am a sociopath but somewhere in my heart there is love. Maybe not for everyone but I am not just flesh and blood, I do know how to love. But deep down, I abhor this society. Am I a show off? Maybe. Maybe not. But if I am I do not hesitate in accepting it because I have struggled in my life and made myself to reach the place I am today. I know I am a learner and the knowledge I have can go to another level, but I will not diminish my achievements by not recognizing them. So, if I say I am a self-made girl, if I say I am proud of my English, if I say I can understand people in a better way than others surrounded by me, I don't care if people call me a show off, it's just I value myself. And if I value myself I expect people to show the same courtesy to me or leave.

But people are unreasonable and illogical. They have made my deductions stronger day by day. I do not understand them sometimes. How can they know everything what they need to do, yet do not put it into practice? And they have the nerves to preach others and call me weird (out of the society, you know), They always have an excuse for why they are following others even when they know that's not the life they are looking for. I never was amazed but can't help thinking on why people are afraid to make a small change? It's always about others we think. But don't you think others maybe are thinking about the same thing? We throw our lives just like that constantly worrying about what the others will think. They don't want to break the rules. Worst of all is forwarded messages on all social networking sites. I don't like people who just want to read and preach without actually acting on those words. Go out explore, was forwarded by the one who is working in the same city and never travelled for last two years. I know you want to do that too, therefore you forward those messages. But dude, just sending them to others won't help much. When will you step out of your ordinary life?

Our everyday mood changes with the situations that arise or because of the people we are surrounded with. Though, people should have least impact on our actions. However, it cannot be denied that we consider people's thoughts before we act on anything. I don't care much on what people are doing around me. They act on what everybody else says, without much care to what they want or what they need. In fact, they even don't know what they want. They take the example of the world and want to follow others. What others are doing is cool, what others is doing is fashion. But I do not understand who these 'others' are. If I have to experience the other side of the life, I have to get among people. I have an opportunity to mix with these people from time to time. However, with every thought of mingling with them, I wonder do I want their acceptance. The answer is always no. Then why am I thinking of being social? It's because there are these people out there who might be different for me, but they need to know me. They might disapprove or awe at me but they should know me. I am not bragging about me. I am no superior to anyone. I am just different and they should know what I know. They should be aware of what is still not known to them. I might make someone happy by showing up to that social gathering. I might encounter something I have not seen before. I might end up learning something new about this world and human nature. I might get a new experience with human emotions. To get these new things, being with these people might not be a bad idea. What do you think?

But here I am, surrounded by morons and impractical people. They don't even speak up what they have in their heads. In fact, they don't even do the thinking from their minds. Yes, every time they will ask me, think about it and say it from your heart, and I will be like, 'Man, my heart just do the pumping of blood, it doesn't think and talk.' Concepts I am unable to understand. Many people can't be wrong at the same time. So, they say there must be something wrong with your thoughts. Isn't it possible that people have accepted the thoughts of people who had money, power or a chance to be popular; and my thoughts are not accepted because I have none of it to be accepted by majority? Or my thoughts are mine and I am expressing it. You either like it, agree or you leave me alone. Yes, I am left alone.

Remembering U always, till infinity

Hope