Diary of a Mauerbauertraurigkeit

Dear Friend

Dear Readers,

I have an exam coming Sunday and then I am going on a long vacation to Leh. This Diary of Hope won't have an update for a month. I will miss it and you too dear readers. Especially those who requests an update to me. Yes, you know who you are. You are the special ones to me and this chapter is dedicated to you my lovelies :*

By that time, have a happy monsoon, keep on being the Hope that you need for yourself and Stay amazing.

Lots of love your way :*

Stay Blessed and Stay Happy, Always!

February 28, 2011

Dear Diary,

I always needed a friend who won't think twice before reaching out for me; who will not need a topic to talk to me; who will keep on talking even when I say 'shut up,' who will listen to me and would like to listen more and more of me; who will say 'it's possible, let's do it,' who will think about me before society; who will not hesitate in hugging me in public or saying I love you again and again; who can look at me in a party and will say, "You need fresh air, let's get out of here."

I need a friend who does not leave me even when I say 'get out of my life'

Then I met Rey. You Rehan, have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I always wondered why you have been very special to me. Why was it so good to have you in my life? I looked for you more than anyone else in the world? The answer got elongated as I thought and gave more time to the same thought.

You have been that one particular person who made me understand the purpose of my life on this earth. It's you who brought out all good in me to make it visible to the world and you took out all my weaknesses and threw it away that nothing should remain in me.

But then you won't stop saying, 'Don't be over-smart with me, I know your weakness.' We both knew, my weakness was nothing but 'You'

You fought for me, when someone had bad mouth against me. You came to me and said, 'don't you dare change yourself just because some self-obsessed people can't see the best in you.' Or 'You will not go to their level to befriend them. Everybody knows you are kind-hearted, now stop being the show off.'

Telling me 'stop flaunting your English, Miss-I-know-it-all,' and then you go on exaggerating and bragging about my English to others.

You made me laugh on things which weren't funny and when I cried, your one look made me forget everything and I laughed even harder.

You would tease me, you would praise me and then you would say, 'that is enough for the day' and then you would start all over again.

You would scold me when I did something childish to hurt you and you would say, 'you are not going to get rid of me that easily. Don't try to be the rude that you are not.'

You showed a right on me. In front of everyone, it was very well conveyed that you own me and you would let me do the same.

You cajoled me when I tease you or I was upset with you like a child; or fussy, like a girlfriend; or bossy, like a wife or adamant and demanding, like a parent.

You were the one I wanted to keep smiling for.

Your eyes upon me, made me more beautiful.

Your soft and pleasant smile back at me, made my smile more pleasant and pretty.

It was your belief in me that made me more confident.

It was your presence in my life that made me, Me.

You left and I became a Nobody. Me was nowhere to be found. You took away with you everything that you brought in me. I was not in love with you as society will always labelled the relation between two opposite sex. You were the best friend I had, the only friend I had. But one little misunderstanding and it shook you. You didn't even bother to ask me if it was true. Everything that you were; looked like an illusion and everything that you became; was hard for my senses to believe.

Today, at the communication skills workshop, Bunny said, "You are an awesome writer. Why don't you write something for me? I am a good friend of yours."

I smiled and wondered, 'Do words matter so much? Our feelings expressed in words are so essential?'

The reply to my wonderment from my side was, 'No.' Long back when a person was an important part of my life I never told him everything that I have written now, but he understood.

When a person is a part of your world, he automatically knows everything that is happening in your world.

Your Smile conveys how happy you are with them. Your sparkling eyes make them aware that they are your energy source. Every beating of your heart reaches them. Then why is it essential to clothe these feelings with words? Words the world only wants to hear?

Maybe because when these 'ahsaas'(Feelings) when expressed in language this world understands, it makes them feel more special. It gives them a right to call you theirs. It makes them believe they are the chosen one. It declares to the world, 'I am more important to this girl than you. Am I not the blessed one? So, all of you, back off.'

The one who didn't need my words is long gone from my life. But if my words written or spoken can do so much to a person, there is nothing that should make me mammer.

If required, I can go on writing pages and pages, just to let him know that he has created his place in my life that nobody can replace, to make him aware of my good feelings towards him, to give him just a glimpse of the world he has brought with him in my life, the positive energy he brought with him to make me more positive, if and only if words can convey everything.

If this truth can take him to cloud nine or seventh heaven, I should not hesitate. But words are mere expression and sometimes they are not sufficient to convey everything one has to say.

In the end, in my wonderment of wondering I wonder again,

'Does anyone really need all of this to believe how much he means to me? Should I once again make a heart-warming relation just to break my heart in two, again?"

Remembering U always, till infinity

Hope