I'm still here

FOREVER - 6/24/18

 This was originally going to be quite solemn, but I have been pushing the itch to write down all day. I guess I didn't want to get too far into my head. It's an old wound from Borderline and being dragged back to it is rough. It makes me miserable. Before this month, I hadn't felt pain from this wound since 2016. Trying not to write about it might be my way of self-defense. Because I know the places my mind will end up if I let myself go. Just talking about it out loud or thinking about it for more than a minute, at most, makes my chest hurt and my bones weak.

Okay, well this sure started out solemn. My bad.

Let me tell you why I am glad I didn't write sooner with sorrow. It was just announced the 5 Seconds Of Summer's 3rd album, Youngblood, is now a billboard certified #1 album in the U.S. That makes this their 3rd consecutive #1 album. They are the first band in history to do that. IN HISTORY! WE MADE FREAKING HISTORY!

This album is beautiful and the response blooming from it has me in awe. It solidified the bond we all share with each other, us and the band. They changed so organically. I think the four of them went through a rough couple of years together. In the midst of their bad time, though, they managed to pick themselves off of the ground. They pieced the band back together, reinvented themselves. This album is what they made out of their hurt and anger and darkness. It shows in lyrics and sound and in their voice when they speak about it. This album is personal. It is the sun after weeks of rain. It's a good, genuine laugh after a depression episode.

What stunned me most while listened to the album was realizing that we, the fans, all grew with them. We grew up with them. They were all 16/17 when they began touring and are now in their twenties. I started listening to them just before I turned 16. I just turned 20. 

That change hit me when I first heard Want You Back. That was a eureka moment. It was euphoric. It was overwhelming. Powerful. Before this era, Borderline had me in chains I never knew were there. I was trapped in my head, in my home. I was nowhere and lingering in this ghost town of despair and broken hope. This album made me see and believe that I have truly changed with them. I have grown alongside them and with our fanbase. Being aware of that had me in tears. I thought about how I constantly felt alone growing up. I thought about the way I look at my best friends in the face and feel like they aren't real because I always felt apart from them. So, this closeness is beyond ordinary for me. It's special. It's the greatest love I have ever consistently felt. 

How can a band do that? For the past four years, I have been able to say that I feel loved and important. I feel like I matter. Like my emotions and my words matter. My heart is acknowledged, seen, and loved. Those are things I spent the majority of my life wishing for. It was all I wanted when it came to friends and family because I was never able to feel it. I couldn't convince myself otherwise. That might be Borderline's fault, I guess.

A band and their music changed all of that for me. The least I could do is help them make history.

This band, these men, this sound had my heart from the beginning. Their music is a guardian angel of mine, a friend, a protector, a reminder, that I am seen and heard and loved for who I am in this second. 

'Forever' has never been my favorite word. It has always held an odd weight over me. I'm afraid of what it means. I always have been. And now I can't help but think, how can you feel love like this and not want it forever. 

-C.J.