dream ᵇᵗˢ ✅

Gratitude

괜찮아

I'll let go
of your hand now

"I will be here. Always. Forever."

As we strode forward, far away from the cyan lake, I could hear everything. I could hear the rustling of the leaves disturbed by the soft souther and the bees humming in and out of the pennyroyals. I could pick up the fading but still raucous noise from the flowing waterfall as well as the intangible music that it emitted jointly with the earthy air, like a refreshing breath of nature had passed before my face.

Most of all, I could distinguish the sincerity in his voice, his aura radiating a wide spectrum of blue-ish colours; from the shade of light turquoise to midnight blue, all diffusing a rather unforeseen ambience of faith and candour.
I trusted him. Because I trusted myself.

The sides of my lips tilted up in a smile as I stared at our simultaneous step, our pace gradually and curiously increasing.
"I know. Even though I can sense the catch that will be waiting for me at the end, I'm happy."

I felt his eyes find their way to my face. His dark orbs were honest and open, their innocence radiating and making me feel obliged to protect them so they retain their brilliance.
"The catch?" the question was so genuine that it broke my heart.

I sighed deeply, trying to blow away and ease the pain on my chest.
"What is real and what isn't."

"Whatever you feel, that is real," he emulated the rhythm of my breathing, our heart paces curiously matching. "Whatever you perceive with your senses, understand with you brain, feel with your heart and express with your body. That is real."

"But what if it is a dream?" I asked hesitantly, worried that I would spoil it for him.

"And what if it isn't?"
He giggled, with mischievous and simultaneously innocent eyes.
Like a kid's.
"Still, you felt everything. Even in your sleep." The brilliance in his eyes as he spoke unveiled a spectrum of feelings so pure and true that bemused me.
No one had ever spoken to me from their heart, the way he did.

He faced front and I followed suit.
For some reason, our actions seemed to be identical, matching, like we were both under someone's control. Maybe each other's control.
Like two flowers connected to the same stem, adrift to the wind's whims, yet only one heart beating for both of us.

However, there was a difference between us, which I could clearly see now.
In contrast to him, I had matured. I had matured and I had started to wither.

He had bloomed but, like a rose, one of those fake ones a lover would give to his person, he couldn't evolve. Stable and unchanging, he stayed the same beautiful boy like the very first time I had ever layed my eyes on him.

We had reached the beach house. We stood in front of the white wooden door for a moment.
We both hesitated getting inside. It would signal the start of the end, for me. As for him, I did not know. I couldn't fathom what was going through his head.

In any case, he was the one that opened the door wide and pushed me in by my hand.

Inside nothing but silence lingered. Heavy silence accompanied by dust motes, that danced in the air under the sun rays that sneaked through the half opened blinds in the small living room. Their slow dance was intercepted by our fiery entrance signaling the end of the calm atmosphere. Maybe more than just that.

I kept a firm grip on his hand, as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. For some reason, I felt a lump in my throat that impeded my calm breathing. And I thought that he sensed my inquietude, for he proceeded to squeeze lightly my hand in return; like he wished for me to understand that his presence lingered... and would always do so.

I felt his message resounding in the wells of my mind as I forced my eyes wide open.
I knew he would always be here.

My eyes met with familiar lucent faces, all smiling down at me. In all honesty, they magnified the flattery feeling in the pit of my stomach, diminishing the lump in my throat. I felt like a halcyon little kid, who had just made its first step, buoyant at everyone's appreciative expressions.

They were proud of me.

And like that, I felt that my heart was mended, that I was at peace. With them, with him, with myself.
Of course, I was still aware of the lump in my throat. But now, I knew how to live with it, understand it and heal it.

And they had my back. Their faces weren't very discernible, however I was aware of their tranquilizing effect on my disposition.

As I was about to take a step towards them, I came to realize that my left hand was no longer occupied.
I did not hesitate as I turned to look at him one last time.
This time, I was certain I would find him there.

Indeed, there he was, with his squinted honeyed eyes, genuine grin and blue-ish aura. The same proud expression adorned his sweet features. He stood only outside of the beach house, but it felt like he wasn't that close any more.

But it was okay now.

As I stared at the contrast of the vivid colours of the house, that surrounded me, and his white hues, from his pale shorts to his glowy fair skin, I thought that, like a white canvas, he would never stain in my memory.

Like a bright star in the night sky, he would always help guide my way with his light.
He extended his hand and I was about to awkwardly hold it as it took me by surprise.
It made its way to my face instead, wiping a tear that dropped down my cheek. I leaned my head towards his soaring hand, grinning hard.

I nodded at him. He nodded back.

We both turned our backs on each other, smiling and determined.
And the white door of the beach house closed.

Even if I am in an endless dream
Even if I'm endlessly crumpled
Even if my wings are torn
Even if some day,
I'm not me anymore
It's alright,
I'm my own salvation