NKOTB-(One Shots/Imagines)

6. [Since he walked into my life: Jordan]

Based off my favorite NKOTB song ever from FTM "Since You Walked into My Life". !!!<3

YOUR POV

There came many moments in my life where things seemed to be blowing out of proportion. Nothing was making me smile, bringing me joy or making me feel fulfilled with anything that I did. Everything that I attempted never seemed to be bringing results. I tried getting a job several times to which I was only called to one and then fired like a week later because of my lack of experience. I'm not exactly what you call a people person, I'm terrible at talking to strangers and my job required most of that. Actually, it required exactly that. My exhaustion only grew more and more as the disappointments that were resulting made me believe that I was never going to get anywhere in my life. I didn't want the job just for the money, I wanted it to help me build validation for myself and prove to myself that I can put in the effort to get things in life. Unfortunately, my mental state was preventing me from doing so since it was growing weaker and weaker with every failed attempt. Things at home were not so spiffy, there was a lot of tension in the household and it just made me feel so out of place that I spent most of my time alone. I basked in my own company for hours and hours. However, basking in my loneliness came with its own consequences. Too much overthinking about everything and anything was getting to me. I started to isolate myself from everybody including my friends, which were very few, and family. There was too much for me to handle and I didn't want to bother anybody with my problems.

I cried to myself to sleep most nights. Sometimes I had to let it out in the time while taking a much-needed walk around the beach, where I spent most of my time admiring the ocean. I'd stay for hours in silence, watching the waves crash and the sun kiss the water as the moon arose. Those were the few times that I felt complete bliss. My friends Donnie, Joey, Jonathan, and Jordan sometimes often asked of my whereabouts whenever I'd see them casually at the park or at a coffee shop but I'd lie to them and tell them that I was working. I was too embarrassed to say that I couldn't even hold my first job for more than a fucking week. They'd insist for me to go hang out with them but I kindly refused and lied. It was just pathetic to even be myself. A person with no destination but would rather wander than ask for directions. I felt so lost and scared. I had nobody to turn to, well I did but it just didn't sit right with me, telling them about what was troubling me.

Love was out of the question, I couldn't date as I felt like if I didn't love myself first, then I couldn't love another person. I wanted to feel entirely confident with who I was. After all, who would wanna date somebody who hasn't got something together? I never considered myself girlfriend material, because I never thought that anybody would see me as that. I never craved being kissed, hugged or held. I never craved wanting to be spoken to with nothing but sweet words that sent direct messages to my heart. My heart wasn't open to any kind of romantic relationship because I myself wasn't even stable enough on my own to cope with my own issues. It would've been yet something else to scour solutions for inside my head that I just knew that I wouldn't be able to find. The results would be like the others, crashing down without making any progress.

This was until;

He walked into my life. Jordan. Out of all the guys, Jordan seemed to wonder where I was and my reasons for being so distant. We have all became really great friends, and of course, I had a blast hanging out with them but as my attempts at living my life resulted in complete failure, I started to distance myself from them. They were making success little by little and I didn't want to seem like an intruder. I wanted to let them do their own thing. I was of course invited to a couple of their shows, I attended a few and interacted with fans and greet the guys afterward. I even became closer to Jordan, surprisingly. I always found comfort when we held small conversations after their shows. He had a way of talking that made me forget about my surroundings. I wouldn't say that I was falling for him but I was starting to enjoy and bask in his company. There would be times where we'd take night walks to get a bite to eat or to just go on the swing sets at the park. He'd walk me home to spend more time together or he'd drive me home before midnight stroke. Anyways, my behavior began to change as I cut our conversations shorter and sometimes pretended like I wasn't home to avoid speaking. I just felt like I needed to be alone for the majority of the day. Loneliness became my only friend.