"Heartbroken and Lonely"

"Mountainous Fear"

A poem about being afraid to love again, and what I must do to forgive her and myself...

I'm standing atop a mountain,

Looking down.

My heart is like a fountain,

Of broken frowns.

I look back through the years,

And see my mistakes.

Pushed away by all my peers,

A hallway of fakes.

I look down the cliff,

And see the faces looking up.

I try and cannot sift,

Through emotions like a crutch.

Am I this way,

True to my nature?

Hold my hating thoughts at bay,

An unending waiter.

I wait for my chance,

And see it slipping.

My life at a glance,

I'm furiously gripping,

The top of the peak.

How could I be so weak,

Cast down and meek?

Through the pain I still seek,

Purpose to me.

I still cannot see,

Why they all just flee,

When they see the true me,

What am I destined to be?

Another face among the crowd,

Screaming my thoughts aloud,

Knowing I am not allowed,

To leave this lonely shroud.

But is it so bad,

That I can't find a lover?

Knowing what I had,

Brings a hand to smother,

Any thoughts of a companion,

Walking through this lowly canyon,

I see my free will standing,

Alone but not demanding.

I am who I am,

And I won't change for another.

I won't be like the rest of them,

Passing my pain on to others.

We know what we do,

When our hearts have been broken.

We give the pain we have accrued,

As a remembering token.

How to stop the cycle,

Of fear and loathing?

An endless hurt recital,

That our consciousness is toting.

All I have to do,

Is forgive my broken heart.

Use forgiveness as a glue,

And refuse to fall apart.

I can't hold them responsible,

For what I feel deep inside.

I must be my heart's own constable,

No matter how I want to hide.

I don't care about loving,

Anybody anymore.

It's all just hateful shoving,

Through a very small door.

I have to give in,

To what another wants.

I try so hard and then,

It all fades into taunts.

Taunting my failure,

To find reciprocation.

A constant inner wailer,

Refusing to leave his station.

No.

I won't give in to it,

I've already been to it,

Seen my very own sin to it,

Now I will not bend to it.

Take me as I am,

Or don't take me at all.

I know we all have been,

Atop this peak so tall.

But I refuse to dive,

I will live on and strive,

To be set apart from the hive,

And be on my own side...