best friends ; phan

f i v e

dan woke up to another miserably silent house. he stayed in bed, not wanting to get up, but his thoughts started to kill him.

maybe he and phil could be happy right now, maybe if he told him how he truly felt, there would be some chance they could be together.

they could have been boyfriends.

he could have woken up, phil sleeping next to him. he would watch as phil's eyes fluttered open and when he mumbled 'good morning' his voice would be raspy from the early morning. he could've been able to press a kiss to his cold nose, phil smiling in response, lighting up the semi-dark room from the blinds closed. they could be sharing their body warmth under the blanket, dan clinging to phil once he got up, leaving him cold. phil would smile at the silly boy, dragging him along to the kitchen where they could get something to eat, then snuggling on the couch.

but that's not going to happen. he's with pj now.

dan decides if he stays in bed, he's just going to keep getting sad thoughts so he walks down into the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. there's a note on the counter.

hey dan,

i'm going over to pj's house for the day. i would've woken you up and told you, but you looked so peaceful sleeping! i hope you don't mind, i'll be home soon.

-phil

"of course," dan thought aloud, "of course he would go over to pj's house! perfect pj so perfect, of course he would date him, he's so perfect! and i'm not! aha, i'm just a screw up of a human, i don't even deserve to be happy, and i think the universe knows that since my life is so terrible and nothing ever fucking goes right!"

dan sunk to his knees. tears threatened to fall from his eyes.

then he heard the front door open.

he quickly wiped his eyes and scrambled to his feet, leaning up against the counter and trying to act casual.

"hey," he said, "you're finally awake!"

"yeah," dan mumbled, "how was it over at pj's?"

"good, we went and saw that new movie you told me about," phil said.

"but," dan started, a slight quiver in his voice, "i thought we were going to go and see that together."

dan tried to hold himself together, but this just made him break.

"how could you?" he shouted, standing up and slamming his hands on the table, the sound ringing through the house. "i can't believe you! everyday you're just going to go over to pj's house and leave me alone all the time now, isn't that right?! now that he's your boyfriend you don't even care about me anymore!" dan sobbed. he couldn't control himself.

he covered his face with his hands as he cried. phil came closer to dan, pulling him into a hug. dan kind of hated him right now, but his hugs were so warm and he was so soft. he couldn't resist melting into phil's arms.

"shh," phil softly said, "it's okay, shh, please calm down," his voice was so delicate, carefully picking his words as to not break dan. "i'm sorry," phil's voice was warm, "i shouldn't be ignoring you like i have been, in fact, i think i'll just spend some quality time with you for a few days, after all, you are my best friend."

dan wished he could stop the waterfall coming from his eyes, but phil's words broke him.

best friends.

it's all they'll ever be, but dan can't get over it.

phil pulled in closer and dan breathed in his scent. phil rubbed his back as they stood there, and dan held on to phil, not wanting him to ever let go.

but he did.

"lets go watch a movie or something," phil said walking into the living room, with dan following. phil set everything up and took a seat on the couch as it started and dan sat next to him. close to him. maybe too close to him, but he didn't care. at this moment he was too vulnerable for his messy mind.

he leaned his head on phil's shoulder. at first phil tensed up, but then wrapped his arm around dan.

dan fell asleep, despite not being awake for long, he was so tired of his emotions, and all the ugly crying he had been doing. he hadn't been getting any good rest, but with phil next to him, he could finally sleep peacefully.