Revisiting Memories

"Who are you?"

I began to feel tears drip down my face. My heart feels like it is being squeezed with a vise, about to shatter. The doctors said the day would come eventually. That didn't make me any more prepared for it, though. Nothing would prepare me enough for this day.

I finally shattered and slumped down, crying on the living room floor. Lily looked on, confused, as a strange man, in her eyes, cried at a simple question she asked.

"Why are you crying?"

That simple sentence only served to make me cry harder. My face probably looked blotchy and ugly with all of the tears I've shed. I don't even care anymore about how I look. Everything just hurts too much. 

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Doctors told me early on that one day she would forget about me. 

I probably shouldn't cry.

After all, I've expected it. 

But, it's just hard when your wife of thirty years forgets about you just like that. 

Lily had her diagnosis a year ago. At first, we didn't even think it was Alzheimer's. When she started forgetting little things, like where she put the keys, locking the door, and which day of the week it was, we both thought we were just getting old. I should have recognized it immediately, since Lily has a great memory, and most of the time she is the one reminding me of those things. 

But I didn't. And the early on symptoms of Alzheimer's got worse.

The thought of Alzheimer's only crossed my mind when she forgot the day of our anniversary.

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She was just fifty years old when she was diagnosed. Early-onset Alzheimer's, the doctors said. Happens to 4% - 5% of all cases. When I heard that, I wanted to scream and shake my fist at the sky. What happened to the other 95%? Why did it have to be her?

Why did she have to contract a disease that no known drug could slow or stop?

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Lily is just getting worse.

She forgets to shower, brush her teeth, even eating and drinking.

She sometimes forgets her own name. 

Once, she got lost and wandered to the edge of the Mississippi River.

I was so scared that she would fall in.

That incident made me resort to putting a tracker on her wrist. 

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I became obsessed with medicine.

I just can't help but think, what if there is a drug out there that can cure Alzheimer's, we just haven't realized its capabilities yet?

It might just be wishful thinking, but by now, I would grab on to any shred of hope that's left.

There is now an entire room in our house dedicated solely to the thick tomes of medical texts I'd bought with my savings. 

The doctors say she still has a few more years before the disease takes over her completely.

A few more years. I can work with that. That's enough time.

I just need to keep searching. 

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When I was still an engineer at IBM, I was part of the team that developed Watson. Seeing him outperform two champions in Jeopardy! opened my eyes to the possibilities of what he could do.