Escaping Breath

Chapter 04

Voices bounce off the wall as soon as I enter the confined, tan walls of the cafeteria. It hasn't even been a full minute and I already would rather be sitting by myself on that wooden picknick table out back. Seeing Grace seated in her usual seat is the only thing that motions me forwards.

Placing my tray down beside her a little more forceful than I had intended, I give her a half forced smile.   

"Hey girlie, what's going on?" Grace questions.

Not looking up to meet her eyes, I chow down a big bite of yesterdays leftover lasagna and blatantly respond with a shoulder shrug. 

That last thing I want to do is replay my encounter with Jayce, especially because even now, hours later, I don't understand why I did it. I spent most of the first period rewinding the scenario in my head, trying to muster everything that I could have done and said differently. Each scenario ended the same way, me without Jayce, Jayce without me.

I want to say that I don't understand how it got to this, but I know that I'm the reason why this crater stands between us. For weeks I've been trying to be the perfect girlfriend he's used to having, not letting my head get between us. He's usually the first to pick up on even the slightest mood change I have, but with graduation coming up and final college decisions, he's been in his own world, leaving me in the darkness of mine.

I think that's why it was easy for me to say yes to him when he asked me to be his girlfriend because he always did find a way of helping me escape from myself. But that's the thing, I shouldn't need him for that. I should be able to do it on my own. Every day I could feel myself becoming more dependent of him. At first it was nice knowing that I had him there, but eventually, it was like I was losing myself in him. It was becoming easier to get trapped in my head with no way out unless he was there. I loved Jayce. I do love him, and hurting him is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I never thought there would be a time when he and I weren't a thing, but I need to do this for me. Even if it meant hurting him.

"I heard about Jayce," Grace calmly states, "wanna talk about it?"

I'm sure by now the whole school has heard. Maybe we weren't the "it" couple, but everyone knows that it's always been Jayce and me, the two best friends, the two madly in love, and now the two who are nothing. 

"Let's do something tonight," I bluntly state, finally looking up at her.

"Something like what? The movies? We could go to Leah's, order a large pizza from Gus's Pizzeria, and have a movie night marathon."

"No, not like that. Like really do something ... like ... like clubbing or something," I smile, feeling the excitement building inside me. 

"Addison, we don't go clubbing," she confusingly states, "we're not even old enough."

And I know this. Clubbing is the last thing I would ever do. I hate dancing and I hate being in such close proximity to people, and not to mention the blazing music. It always makes me antsy, but today I did something I thought I'd never do. I ended things with Jayce and although it hurt, and although it left me feeling a little more empty, a part of me also feels free, like a burden has been lifted off my chest, like I can finally take a breath. Why not continue this pattern of doing the unexpected? At least for today. 

"Mikey was talking about a place that doesn't card, especially super hot chick," I say, nudging her with a wink.

"Addi, I don't think this is a good idea. You just broke up with Jayce. At least give yourself some time to process what happened." I can hear the concern laced in her voice. 

"I have," I start, "This isn't about him. This is about me. I'm going with or without you or Leah, but I just thought I'd give you the option of at least considering doing this with me, for me."