Escaping Breath

Chapter 06

Galasso Beach. That's where I was the first time I saw Jayce. I didn't think much of him at first. He was just another subject amongst a sea of people to observe. All we were, two strangers, waiting for fate to decide that like two currents we would crash into each other, and I guess, eventually apart.

It was a June afternoon when I saw him, Jayce, standing amidst the sand, near the ocean, as if waiting for something to happen. In a single motion, the water raced to his feet, assuring that even the spaces between his toes weren't untouched. I imagine it was a sharp feeling, the water that was, like sticking your foot in a bucket of ice water, waiting for the numbness to take over, but the sensation didn't seem unfamiliar to him. It was as if he was remembering it—all of it. There was not a single grain of sand out of place, compact and steady beneath him. His toes grasped onto it, welcoming the raspy trace of the sand. As the briny air stuck to his skin, the waves fought and clashed against each other. There was an unexplained sense of elegance in the fight, the way the cerulean and emerald water mixed together in a single graceful act. Their continuous motion was an unsteady, whispered static that would grow in sound, subside, and then grow again. Just like the shades of the waves, it too blended with the chatter of those around, with the seagulls swarming in the air, and with the engines of those who would come and then go. As I watched him, the saline taste hovered in the air, taking over every inhale and every breath.

The moment was bliss.

As if sensing me watching, he turned his head in my direction, his dark hair flopping over his eyes and I diverted my attention back to my journal pretending to jot some thoughts down. My diversion all but failed because a minute later he was plopping down next to me, sending sand in my direction.

"You know, you really shouldn't stalk strangers and then try to hide it with a fake journal," he joked.

"It's not fake," I bluntly stated, closing my journal and getting up. I could feel the sand holding on to my skin as I motioned my walk away from him, but refused to acknowledge it.

"So you're not denying it then?" he smirkingly questioned when I was a few feet away.

"Denying what?" I puzzled, stopping to look at him in confusion.

Noticing that he got my attention, his lips turned into a deviant grin, "That you were stalking me."

"As if," I exclaimed, rolling my eyes, "I'm a writer, I observe. Don't flatter yourself."

Having heard enough foolish nonsense I continued walking away.

"What'd you write about me then?" he shouted and for a second I considered pretending I hadn't heard him, but a part of me liked that he was still trying to keep this terrible excuse of a conversation going.

I swiftly turned around. Opening my journal, I pretended to quickly read a page before shutting it almost as fast as I opened it and recited the first bullshit line that came to mind, "A boy, the sand, how unusually boring."

To my surprise, he broke out in laughter.

The rest isn't all that special, but it did result in an amazing friendship with Jayce. For a while, it was a bit strange. We didn't attend the same school for a while so the beach sorta became our main meeting place, but of course, not our only. When we finally did go to the same school it was a lot easier. It made what we had stronger, better. I miss it.

For a week, since the breakup, I keep thinking back to that day, how different things were back then, how different we were. It only felt right to ask Jayce to meet me here today, Galasso Beach, where it all started.

The message I sent stated that he meet me here at 5:30, a little over two hours after school ended, but I made my way over as soon as the bell rang. I keep replaying the hundreds and thousands of ways this conversation can go, knowing that none of them will be even remotely close to the actual thing. I'm not too sure how he'll react. Will he understand? Will he hate me? I told myself not to mention the guy at the club from the day we broke up. It'd only complicate things more. Leah and Grace promised they wouldn't say a thing and besides, no one else knows so it'll remain a secret. I can't hurt Jayce anymore than I already have.

Sand footsteps break me out of my trance. I look up to see Jayce standing beside me, he takes a big inhale of the sea, as if taking the moment in before placing himself next to me.

We both don't say anything for a while, letting the clapping of the wave entice us. Jayce is the first to break the quiet barrier.

"I don't know why we stopped coming here," he starts, "it reminded me of the first time, seeing you here that is, sitting down the same way you did the first time we met. The only thing missing is that journal of yours," he faintly laughs at the memory.

I take in what he says, for the millionth time remembering that same memory. I smile, "I always did love it here ... it was home."

"I was home," he softly whispers and for a moment and I don't know what to say.

"I wish I could make this better."

"Take me back," he pleads, turning his body to face me "you can."

"No, I can't" I simply state, looking out into the ocean.

"Then why am I hear Addison, huh? What the hell is the point of all of this?"

I take a big breath, building up the courage to start, "When we first met, I wasn't okay and you knew that. From the start, you knew, and you stuck around, during the good and the bad. That's one of the things I loved about you, one of the things I still love about you. I ... I thought having you there would make it better, that it would make me better and in some ways it did. You made it easy for me to forget all the bad, but it was only ever momentarily and I'm not saying that's your fault because it's not." I pause, "I got so caught up in you and us and trying to be okay that I lost sight of myself. Me leaving you has nothing to do with my love for you fading or you ditching me on my birthday, it's just about me, about me trying to be okay on my own without having to rely on someone to be okay," I finish, feeling a great weight lifted off my chest.

"So you want space?" he asks, "for how long?"

"I ... I don't know."

He doesn't say anything for a while, taking in everything I just said. It all feels so much more confusing now that I've said it out loud, but it needed to be said.

A gust of wind rolls in before Jayce finally says something, "I'm leaving."

"Jayce, we have to talk this through. You can't just le..." he cuts me off.

"I enlisted."

"You what?" I questions, finally turning my body to look at him.

"It was before we broke up. That's why I had to cancel our plans on your birthday," he says.

"You ... you didn't tell me..."

"I was going to. I was, believe me, but I wanted to make sure that it was what I wanted to do. I was so hesitant about the decision because..." he says stopping mid-sentence.

"Because of me?" I question.

"Yes ... because of you. You saying that you rely on me for emotional support isn't new to me. I know you do and I don't mind it. I love that I can be there for you, but it's also why I was hesitant. I didn't know how me leaving would affect you, but then you broke up with me and look at you, you seem completely fine."

"I wish," I say to myself more than him.

"I leave a little after graduation. I wanted to ask you to wait for me. I guess I'm going to be the one doing all the waiting, huh?"

"Don't" I say, grabbing a hold of his hand, "Jayce, you're my best friend and I love you so much. I know I seem composed and like I'm okay, but this hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Don't hold on to me or this. You're going to do amazing things without me by your side and I'll always be proud to say that I was lucky enough to be an important part of your life. I'm going to miss you like hell," I sniffle realizing that I started crying, "but you'll be okay and one day I will too."

Jayce doesn't say anything but wraps his arms tightly around me. It feels like an early goodbye, like this is it for us, even with a couple months of school left.

"I'll never forget that sassy, writing dork I fell in love with," he laughs, looking back at me, eyes red from tears too.

"And I never forget that wanna be cool kid that thought he was worthy enough to get stalked," I tease, smiling back at him.

I'm not too sure where Jayce and I go from here. It feels like he's all I've ever known and although I feel a bit freer, I feel a whole lot more alone. But, like I told Jayce, I'll be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I will be.