froyo / dear evan hansen

eleven

connor comes home from school late. zoe is in the living room and jumps as he slams the door closed. she continues to scroll through instagram, turning her music up louder.

she can smell weed, strong enough to make her retch. it's strong, and it stings her eyes, and she knows what it means.

dinner is falafel burgers. they eat in silence, no one addressing the elephant in the room. zoe can barely eat, but she forces herself to anyway.

connor is scarily silent. every slight movement he makes causes zoe to flinch.

as she goes to leave, larry catches her shoulder. "you're being really brave." he smiles, tired eyes crinkling.

what else can she be?

it is only a matter of time before connor starts to be loud.

be loud is a much more simple phrase for what actually happens, but zoe refrains from thinking about that as much as possible, so simplicity is key.

larry and cynthia sit in the living room with the door shut while zoe's in her bedroom with her's shut too, praying she could lock it from the inside.

her music volume has gone all the way into the red zone and at this point, she really couldn't care less. being deaf would be a blessing at this rate.

she refuses to cry. not near connor. she cannot be vulnerable around him.

god, does she regret that phase when she was fourteen when she vowed never to be mean. when she thought that being kind would make everything go away. it just made everything hurt more. she remembers the day when she changed that belief; when she realised that not everyone is good at heart; sometimes people have to become scabbed knees and bruised knuckles in order to survive. to the this day, she still wears her cuts with pride.

and even over her blasting music she can hear connor. even if zoe was deaf, she'd be able to hear him. he is pounding against her bedroom door, screaming at the top of his lungs.

tears spill from the corner of zoe's eyes and she rubs them away, breathing laboured. when did her brother become like this? what happened to her brother that liked to play football with her? that let her paint his nails?

her brother is a monster.