Summertime Sadness

Just A Girl Who Cannot Know

I thought that when I first saw him, I wa floating on a cloud and falling through mist trying to grasp my emotions. I didn't know that there could be anything stronger than my turmoil. I was wrong.

Not believing my eyes, I skipped up the stairs to get a better look. A handsome young man turned around, and grinned at Nick.

"You see, I'm Gatsby." I quickly covered my mouth with my hands, and almost fell backwards. So that was the elusive Gatsby! He was merely a person! With all the rumors, my mind had concocted an image I couldn't even make sense of, one that escaped beyond the boundaries of life. It hit me hard that he was nothing but a man. Yet he had so much power in his hands. When he first came, the papers blew up with news about his fortune, and we all speculated. Nowadays, you could get anything with money. And he did. He brought himself fame, success, maybe love... there was just something about him that seemed familiar. I realized all this later though. Now, there was only one thought on my mind, one that haunted me. Nick's smile.

Unlike the usual warmth he had, his expression turned into mines. Frozen in a fragment of time. A mixture of amazement, curious naïveté, and dreams. He gazed at Gatsby as if he was a painting or a statue in a museum, with wonder and awe. He didn't even blink as he stood there, with his complete attention on Gatsby. Gatsby raised up his glass, and beamed at Nick. They stayed locked in that agonizing moment as I stood still and horrified. My future, before the party so certain, was now a storm. I blamed Nick for falling. I blamed Gatsby for his charisma. I blamed my mother for her rules. I blamed Lily for her expectations. But most of all, I blamed myself. For not savoring the grain of joy I could have had.

What if I just kissed him? I didn't care what he would think. I didn't care if he, society would shun me forever. Because then at least I could die happy tonight. Just one kiss could have saved my heart. And after that, he could rip it, tread on it, insult me, kill me with his words, but I would be content. As long as I slept in his embrace at last.

I could weep. I could find rain inside the storm and let it pour out. But I refused to let it. Even if I was dying, I had to be a beautiful little fool. Society wanted a beautiful little fool. To the hell with those who felt! Dispel their meaning! Take them and keep them from our fools! De-life their lives! Steal their souls! Until we have what we want! We won't stop executing, assassinating, murdering!

My mind flew apart because for the first time in years, I allowed anger and jealousy to take ahold of me.

"Welcome to love, darling." I raged silently as Lily patted my head loftily.

"It's called unrequited love, Anna darling, and get used to it. Why, I've dated upwards of 6 men before that have cheated on me! They weren't in the right mind!"

"Not everything is about you! Please, help me! Fine, I admit it! Okay? You were right! About love! Everything!"

"Calm down, girl! You have no experience! Sob all you want, do something!"

"You have no feelings! At all! You've gotten used to-

"Exactly. I'm used to it all so I won't have to suffer! Here's my advice. Show him that you don't appreciate him stealing your friend with benefits!"

I was a second from killing her before I realized what she was talking about. I picked up a champagne flute, and hurled the tiny glass vessel against the wall, and watched it shatter and fly backwards into a thousand light pieces that resembled the texture of liquid. All eyes turned to me. The whispers and rumors would start soon, I thought. Then, regarding me as drunk, they turned back to their conversations, and my cheeks flushed. Quickly, Gatsby ran over to me.

"Is everything alright, Miss?" I was stunned to find that he wasn't pretending, but had a real kindness.

"I'm fine. Parties usually get me excited." I answered with a flat and simple tone, concisely.

"If you need anything, ask me. We have many ways to meet your needs." It was chilling how much he cared about everyone.

"Thank you for caring." It came out not how I expected. I was bitter instead of the grateful airhead. He hesitated, waiting for me to say something, then walked away. He looked back, but continued walking. He could see through my cover anyways. That I was breaking.

Now, looking back, I should have thought to Nick. Maybe then I wouldn't be at his grave holding a rose. Complain all you want to me, for telling what has happened through the years, but I'll keep on telling. It's my life that is a tangled mess, not yours. I completely give up, and you should too.

And I stand in the snow, unsure. What I should do next. But that's another story. I'm just, I think, regretful.

But back to my breaking. Like a flower facing the real environment for the first time, I didn't know that weather was normal. Other flowers had grown used to harsh weather and had probably been more brave than me, but I noticed nothing and refused to notice anything. I thought it was the world conspiracy against me. I wanted to flee from myself. To reinvent myself as not Anna Ruby, but a sophisticated, cynical, and beautiful woman. Everything that I wasn't. If Gatsby had looked back again, maybe he would have gotten scared because of the grim determination I wore. I didn't know what the future would be, what I was going to do. But whatever it was, it began with change. Drastic change.