Cracks

009 | burnt [feelings] sienna

B U R N T S I E N N A

—

         Avery finally found his best friends nestled underneath a tree, Theo playing a game and from Edi's scrunched-up her face, she was attempting a math problem.

        "Hey," As he got closer, he leant over Edi's shoulder, seeing that his prediction was correct. Edi looked up, grateful to anything that gave her an excuse to stop.

        "What's up Ave." Then she frowned. "Don't you usually have a class now?" To prove her point, he technically did have US history that period, whereas both of them had the time free.

       "I do" He said, plopping down on the grass beside her while Edi smirked with amusement, gasping in playful horror as she wrote down the next problem. "Is the great Avery Han actually skipping class?" He laughed, shrugging.

       "Figured what's the harm in being late once in a while." She shot him a confused look. "Who are you and what did you do with my friend?" Avery bit his lip, shrugging once again as he shook his head. Then his smile failed. Not knowing a better what to break the truth, he decided to just come out with it directly.

        "I got an acceptance email." And just like that, things went completely silent. Edi recovered the fastest, thinly-veiled frustration in her expression. "You're leaving?" Avery felt any confidence that Mr. Thompson had bolstered, diminish. "Not until after school ends, but yeah." He responded quietly, timidly, and hating every second of it. She was still silent. They both were.

      "I didn't expect this" He said quietly. "You of all people should know that."

Edi Padilla pulled closer to him, until he could make out every tight 4B curl on her head, every faint freckle dotting across her light-brown skin, every hazel spark in her eyes. Though both of them resembled each other to a T, only Edi had inherited her dad's eyes, Theo having the same dark brown as his mother, Francesca Jones Padilla. Edi's expression looked wounded, something Avery had somewhat predicted.

      "Which one."

      "Tulsa." Avery found he couldn't lie to them, despite the one he'd prepared about Alm University in Michigan, a middle level school strong in teaching programs that he'd thought would go over better.

       "Tulsa, huh." Theo said pointedly, having been quiet up until then.

       "Theo, " Avery started, but cut himself off once seeing Theo's expression. He did not want to hear any excuses. Not after his best friend had belted out that he was not only leaving, but leaving to become exactly what he'd feared. Ever since the beginning of high school, since the AAE became a frequent topic, he'd worried about this. He knew Avery lied to Edi about his grades when she asked to compare, knew that he was always the first one done with math tests and the one their teacher quietly asked to tutor people in science.

"It's ok Avery." He uttered, though not so convincingly. Avery pulled back, and they all sat there, Avery and Theo in silence while Edi savagely took her anger out on her math, muttering Puta Madre or carajo whenever she made a mistake.

"I take it we won't be working at the restaurant together? Are you going to tell Papa or should I?" Theo pretended to go back to his game while Avery just sat there, pulling at the grass and trying to come up with anything he could say to make things better.

        "I'll tell him don't worry." He muttered, pulling out a handful and inspecting a long blade. "I'm still me, you know?" Avery waited a long moment before finally throwing the blades back down and sighing, frustrated and hurt, but mostly fearful.

        "Nothing has really changed, I'll still be in—"

        "Everything's changed." Edi's hoarse voice cracked out. She was getting to the point where she was too angry to discriminate thoughts from words. "Places like that—they be a different world." When Avery flinched though, she almost regretted them, a twinge of guilt twisting in her gut, before it quickly dispelled itself.

        "How you even paying for this, Yu Na helping?" Edi thought he needed to stop acting like some pendejo, sitting there all sorry for himself. He was the one who was leaving, going off to play with los ricos, with people who didn't a shit about no one, as Papa always said. What would he say when he heard about this?

       "Can't afford to, I got some need-based grants, but the rest's in loans." Edi shook her head.

        "Congratulations, I guess." She loved Avery like a family member, but she needed some time to process this, to grieve the end of their lives going in the same direction, to grieve the dimming possibility of their joint future plans.

Avery's heart was twinging from their reactions, and the growing worry that he may loose them. Edi was stubborn–all she saw was what she wanted to see and there was no way around that. She took to her father's views more strongly than Theo. Theo, well, Theo was quiet, something that worried Avery even more because he couldn't ever tell what he was thinking. He hoped they would be alright with it in the end. But with him leaving so soon, he couldn't tell.

He felt crushed, not wanting to believe that things had actually turned out like they had; it didn't feel real. Avery almost sort of wished he could take it back, say the lie, any lie. He tried hard. So, so hard to make things work, all the time. Why was this all it took for them to forget that? He hated that fucking email, it was tearing him from everything.

        "We gonna see you before your like, winter break or whatever?" Theo mumbled quietly. Avery looked down at the ground, picking absently again at the grass.

        "I'm gonna try to come back weekends, whenever I can." Avery hadn't even thought of how he was going to do this. Looks like he might be asking Mr. Thompson for his tricks after all. "I'll text you guys when." Theo nodded and Edi humphed.

"Fucking good." Edi was focused back on her Geometry. "I'm still pissed about this by the way." Avery settled for a small smile. That was progress. Theo glanced at his watch.

        "You're gonna be really fucking late if you don't go now." Avery took that as his queue, getting up and grabbing at the new strands of hope inside of him, facing them. "I'll see you guys later." His words were met with heavy silence and his shoulders fell, as an ache bloomed in his chest.

Well that hurts.

Avery briskly walked away, wanting to be as physically far away as he could. He missed Edi's tear filled eyes and Theo's reply, a small, yet hopeful, later.