So, uh. Yeah. TLDR: I'm feeling better than I did.
After I posted that chapter, I went through a low of, well, I don't know of a term for it. I googled it, and what I came up with is I'm very "empathetic and altruistic". Not sure about the empathetic part. But apparently I'm so "empathetic and altruistic" that I'm actually getting kinda depressed ish. I don't know. This wasn't diagnosed or anything. It's not official. It was just from googling for like 10 minutes.
Well, I have a friend who also has a pretty ok life. I mean, his apartment is pretty small, but he is pretty ok when it comes to traumatic/life changing incidents. Well, his birth day was like a week or so ago, and I wasn't able to go because I was sick. The fact that I couldn't even show up to a friends birthday just kinda... wrecked me. The guilt just grew and grew until it's all that clouded my thoughts. And... well, I think I figured out where all this crap started.
So back in the last school year, I had a PE coach, er gym or whatever you wanna call it. He was a pretty cool guy, I'm not trying to hate on him or anything, I'm sure he meant well. He just... didn't know how my mind works.
Well, he talked to me one day about how I acted. Now, I'm not the best person in the world, but I just hate bullying. Mostly because it has happened to me in the past, mostly during middle school. Well, I had had an... incident... earlier that week where... you know... I was me, and I kinda flipped someone off. Well, Coach (somewhat rudely might I add) brought that up when we were having a discussion about behavior, cause my PE class was full of some of the worst kids in the school. My friends reading this probably know exactly who I'm referring to. Anyways, that kinda bugged me, and I was just wondering whether Coach had brought it up because it was fresh in his mind or because that had actually made that much of an impact on his image of me. I don't want teachers to hate me, no thanks. So I asked him. He admitted it was because it was fresh in his mind, but then he lextured me on how I acted. Well, at the time, it sounded to me like he was calling me selfish. But now I look back on it, and realize that's not exactly what he was saying, but still kinda close. Basically he was trying to tell me that I tended to try to make things better for myself and blames my problems on other people, or something like that. That I always wanted to make things better for me. So, now that I say it, it was just a nicer way of calling me selfish.
Again, it was in good intention, and I don't hate him for it. I don't blame him or anything. But that just kinda... stayed with me, in a bad way. And, well, it spiraled into what it is now. I became more aware of how others people's lives were way worse than mine, and I started to feel bad for having a good life. And, well, it kinda started to affect other things in my life, mainly sleep. It literally kept me up at night.
But then, I had a moment of clarity last night.
I realized that feeling bad for having a good life is just stupid. Like, I still kinda do, but it's much easier to live with myself. But that's not the main thing.
Instead of thinking of all that shit, I thought of all the good times I've had with my friends.
TheMidnightSnack your comics, sense of humor, wrecking you in smash, etc. TheLoneWanderer17 the hilarious comment sized talks we've had. TechnoGurl just the image of you with an orange on your head. It's heartwarming. Ashikaga0chan writing with you and nerd talking and watching you smack people with books (sometimes me).
I platonically love all of you, and I don't give a shit if that sounds weird, because it's true. You guys are what make me happy. And even if I'm a dick sometimes, you tolerate me when I am. Thank you for just being my friends.
Jesus I'm starting to cry from just writing this. Shows how strong I am emotionally.
And thank all of you who follow me or even just read what I write. Y'all inspire me to write even when I'm tired or sad.
Just, thank you. Thank you so much.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
This gif is actually pretty accurate to how I feel right now.
But, that's all I have to say for this chapter. Expect Shining Sun chapter six in maybe a week or less. No promises though.
