lost in the past

it hurts

it has been 3 weeks since Sakura found out about her 'family' real identity. And the sadness, anger and bitterness still didn't go away. In these two months Kurama didn't left her side. He didn't talk to her a lot and wasn't trying to help her a lot on the outside, But in the inside he was worried about her and wished to help her. But humans are complicated, they live short lives, are a bit stupid and are always leaded by their emotions. He didn't know her good enough and what she had experienced with these boys to say that he understood her and know how to help her. Because it was clear that she was having a huge depression. He let out a big sigh.

"Brat, you really need to get your shit together." Said the fox to the depressed pinket. Sakura turned her head from her garden to meet his red eyes. She had become thinner and her green lively eyes became death. It pained him to see her in such state, but he wouldn't say it out loud. 

Her death eyes seemed to say 'what do you know '. And Kurama know that he couldn't comfort her. He had been alone and hunted since old man Hagoromo's pupils were no more. Since then, he and the other bijuus had to live hidden from everyone. Even from each other because they hadn't a reason for seeing or staying together anymore after the passing of the old man. He didn't know her like these boys. But she had become an important person in his life. She wasn't afraid of him, she treated him like an equal and not like the bloody beast the humans describe him. And it make him happy and he doesn't want to lose her.  He stretched his big pawn out and laid it slowly on her head before petting her slowly. He could feel her trembling under his pawn, he knew she was holding herself back. 

"Don't hold back. It's not good to hold it back."  Sakura began to cry again, like she did the first days. She didn't felt any better and guilty toward Kurama to have to look after he being in such mess. 

"I'm sorry. So so sorry Kurama." She let out in her raspy voice. " I'm sorry to put this all on, to not being able to move on and to cry all the time." Kurama stayed silent the whole time, just petting her head softly. Time passed till she stopped  crying. He had since then stopped to pet her. When she passed out from exhaustion, he placed her back in her tiny house and went into the forest. 

~in the meantime elsewhere~

It's been two months since they had last see her. And in two days they will clash swords against each other again.

Hashirama pov

We were dinning in the commun dinner room with other clansmen. Neither me nor Tobirama said a word. I didn't paid attention at what was said in the room knowing what I will have to do in two days. In two days we will fight the Uchihas. It is more than certain that they will be there too. And I didn't wanted to think about that. I know it isn't the first time we've faced them since we broke apart. Even if they are my clan enemy, thinking about it make the stone on my skin  colder. Weird. And yet. 

"Maromi, you and your squad will ...." I didn't wanted to listen to it. I couldn't stay here longer and hear them talk about it. Killing and killing again. 

"I don't feel well, excuse me." after bowing to my father I exited the room. I felt Tobirama eyes on me,  I ignored it. After I just started to walk. I didn't really know where I was I was going, till i stopped. I know where my feet were taking me and it hurts. I was in the north forest not far from the camp. I was on my way to the river. 

I know we hurt her and made her cry. I took the pendant in my hand and looked at it. my hands was shaking, I think my whole body does. 

"Hashirama." The voice of my mother called me. I turned around to face her, I notice the sun is already low. How long has i been standing here?

"Okaa-san" She walked slowly to my side. 

"Why are you crying my son?" As she placed her hand on my shoulder. I'm crying? I hadn't noticed it. 

"I...I.." but the words didn't come out. I don't understand why it is so difficult to say it. Even if I wanted to say something. My brother sudden apparition kind of make it impossible.

"Nii-san I've been lo-" he didn't finish his sentence when he looked me in the eyes. Instead he just looked away. I did pretty much the same. May it be by guilt or shame, it doesn't take make me feel better. Neither of us said anything. But we could feel the tension around us. I could feel mother look on me and then going on Tobirama. And it makes me uneasy. in the end it was Okaa-san that broke the silence by letting out . 

"Let's not make your father wait." She said. Father. I forgot about him, guess he is going to be pretty angry for skipping the meeting before dinner. 

Madara pov

The war meeting is over. The other clan members exit the room one after the other while I was  silently staring at the wall. Izuna had to grab my shoulder to take me out of my trans. Only then had I notice that there was no one else in the room but us. I was surprise to see that  tou-san  wasn't in the room anymore. 

"Time to go aniki." Aniki. That word again. It would usually annoy me. But now, it's just a painful reminder of happened. I can feel the prikkel in my  eyes telling  me that the tears are slowly forming. I do everything to keep them inside and take my brother hand. 

"Let's go then." I say and exit the room. I didn't notice that I had let the hand of Izuna go, nor that he wasn't behind me anymore.  and yet, I'm not surprise. It seems that nothing seems to surprise me anymore.  I hear the sound of the door closing and I don't remember being in front of it or opening it. But I know it is my room. I remember how I used to feel relief when I entered my room after meetings and trainings. And now, nothing. I feel nothing. Nothing but an empty hole in me. It has been like that ever since we were banned by Sakura. Now that I think about it, the only times I don't feel this numbness is when I'm on the battlefield. This feeling of being between life and death, the adrenaline and this rage taking over every time I'm against an enemy. 

I guess that I'm begin to loose myself. 

back to Sakura

Kurama had come back and was currently laying in front of her tiny house. He had brought a prey for her to eat. She needed it, she had lost weight and became thinner. He had left the prey next to her door. He was to big to cook it and make a fire. But if she hadn't the will to do so, there was very little he could do. He couldn't force her to eat it or shove it in her mouth. He was afraid to hurt her. He was much stronger than her and she was so frail now. The only support he can give her are though words. 

"I know it hurts" he says after waiting for a couple of minutes. "And it won't stop unless you come out of the hole you digged yourself in." she just flinched. "The only way to make it stop is to move on and to walk forward. It's not gonna be easy. But once you do, you will come out stronger and the worst part of the pain will be gone." Sakura began shaking. She feels the tears wanting to come out again and want to push them back. But It doesn't work, they still roll on her cheeks. She tries to wipe them out, but the tears don't stop. She slowly got up and starts to walk out of the room and towards Kurama. He didn't move, he just looked at her. She stopped right in front of his leg and embraced him. 

"Thank you" And then he knew that she will overcome it. 

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I know it is short and that it has been a long time since I've last publish or updated this story. I have no real excuse for that. I found it a difficult chapter to write and didn't had the inspiration or the will to write it. 

moonlight 352