From the Hearts of Two Lovers

This is something that I wrote in school and wanted to extend on. There is cursing and gay/lesbian mentioned if you are offended you dont need to read on. Enjoy. :)

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“Hey baby,” she cooed.

“Ugh… please not now,” I whispered in a horrible attempt to get her away from my trembling body. I didn’t want to feel the touch of her fingers, or the feel of her cool, smooth skin. It still didn't feel right. She moved away from me quickly and stared at me with an intense glare. 

“Why not? You don’t you love me do you?” she demanded an immediate answer to both of her questions and all I could do was hang my head and let my hair slide around my shoulders elegantly cascading in front of my light brown eyes. I didn’t love her, I didn’t love anyone except my family.

I never felt a burn in my heart of desire, of want, of love. I never felt fireworks explode as I accepted a kiss from someone. I never felt a spark when someone touched my skin or when I stared into their eyes.

“Look Clove, just because you don’t deem me good enough to dwell in your presence I believe that I have the right to demand an answer,” her voice was trembling with lack of confidence even if her words were not stuttered. Her short brunette hair moved slightly as she spoke. Her dark brown eyes darted around my face, she was analyzing me, something I learned she was able to do when we first met. I wish I could sheild my emotions from her eyes but the best I could do was stay silent, straying away from her prying questions.

So I left my head where it was, hanging closely to my light toned neck before I heard her footsteps storm off her strangled voice yelling along with it.

“Fine Clove… I’m done with you… we are over!”

“We never we together, nothing is over because nothing ever began,” an evil voice whispered in my head, the words began to bounce about my head in a distracting way as I stood still taking the abuse from her lips.

Her combat boots clacked against the hard concrete with no other sounds entering my thoughts as I heard her stalk away from me. Another girl gone. I could not even give her the respect that she had earned by trying to get close to me so that we would be together. I just screwed up again. I could never feel desire, or love, for anyone. Maybe I was the exception to my community. I was the fuck up in this town. 

Everyone told me that I would get my chance to feel love. To feel my heart skip a beat when I met the one. I still never came, I'm still waiting.

“AHHH!” I yelled until my voice was ragged and my yell became a small peep uttering hoarsely from my dry mouth. I kicked the closest thing in my line of vision with my cheap black flats. The closest object in my sight was the concrete wall a few feet away. As my foot came into contact with the concrete my toes were jammed harshly causing my to utter a small yelp and instinctively reach down for my now injured foot.

I looked up, it was night and the stars in the sky watched my skirmish with the wall. The cooling air from the summer surronding my body. When I was done with my episode I slumped against the cold sturdy concrete and buried my head into my legs, which were covered by a thin summer dress. My makeup had begun to stream down my face mixing in with the tears that had caused the effect to begin initially.

The thought of my now unaesthetic face however, did not stop the constant rain of salty tears that continually cascaded down my face. I made a choking sound and quickly grasping my throat I stood up, my back still using the wall as a support. Then I ran with my head slightly buried in my arm. My legs quickly going one after the other as if playing a strange version of follow the leader. The arm that was protecting my face from the prying eyes of other people was smearing mascara onto my once unstained arm.

I continually cried, as I ran the tears falling were catching the attention of all the women around me as they continued onto their jobs, or families, while I continued forward unknowingly to my fate. I could hear the whispers around me as if the words themselves were people trying to trap me in a circle of their gossip and curiosity.

The town that I lived in, Tivoli, was small and was very close to a forest, which was rarely ever used. The forest had no name, you were allowed to wander about the forest , but if you were to come across a metal gate you were instructed not to climb over, or try to find a path around the gate. We were told every day of every week over the speakers located throughout the town that anyone that was found trying to satisfy their curiosity by trying to climb, or find a way around the gate would be punished severel. However, the thoughts of these commonly heard threats were completely gone from my mind.

I ran straight into the cool forest the braches reaching towards me as if arms trying to embrace me and hold me like I never could with anyone. The trees I realized were just like everyone else, they were mocking me. I felt more anger and sadness stir inside of my stomach and I began to run further and faster into the forest. The branches ripped and grabbed for my bare skin, thirsting for my blood. But I ignored the small ripples of pain that was set up and down my petite body. After a while I began to  realize that my legs were beginning to tire. They burned from the effort I had put into running away from my life. I sat down my back using a tree trunk as support.

The tree behind me however only reminded me once again of the lack of love I held inside of me. The tree trunk was less bare than I felt. I felt exposed to the world, as if everyone in Tivoli was examining me and hoping they would find out what was wrong with me. Why the one girl could never stay in a relationship.

I once again buried my head into my hands and let the tears soak my skin as if they were sponges sopping away my melancholy. They didn’t help me at all, they were as useless as my apparently black heart. What was wrong with me? Was I really not meant to fit into this community? All girls love girls, there was no one else for them to love anyway. Everyone just was a girl and no one ever told you who else you could love, it was a girl with a girl and I did not fit that description. So who could I possibly belong with?

I tried multiple times to belong and I have not been able to stay with anyone because I could not say I was attracted to them. The evil voice in my head always found a way to mock them whether they were pretty, or had great personalities. I just could not bear to share a kiss anymore, or to even say those three dreaded words. I could however utter five words that seemed to love to torment me when fit into a sentence as they were.

“What is wrong with me?”