trigger warning
i glared at my brother from across the dining table, watching his every move carefully just waiting for the moment where i snap. i don't want to but i know i will. it was breakfast, far too early for me to be awake, but in my case i hadn't even slept yet.
after leaving finneas's last night i spent the rest of my time sitting outside of my apartment door waiting for every last person to leave from the "obnoxiously loud party" my brother had thrown, and then i found myself tossing and turning in my bed thinking about everything that had occurred before that. i was sick, but not physically, and lack of sleep sure turned me into a ball of sunshine.
"want some?" my brother, jack, offered me some plain cheerios with a sorry look on his face, although i know he doesn't know why he's sorry yet, he can just sense i'm pissed off and wants to kiss my ass before he can even ask why.
"fuck you." i then dramatically get up from my chair and head towards the door to slip on some sandals.
"what's your problem?" he raises his voice as if he has the right.
"you have to be kidding me."
i don't want to look at him because i know i'll cry. i'm faced towards the door clenching my fists so hard it hurts, but that's not the only thing that hurts because everything does and i had tried everything the night before to get it to go away. i know what i have to do now.
"if you're mad about me throwing that party last night then fuck you for being an over dramatic little bitch. just because things don't go your way doesn't mean you have to treat me like shit, and then you expect me to feel sorry for you or something. unlike you i want to spend my summer with people, not isolating myself from the world because i'm so called depressed." jack takes a moment to stop, taking a deep breath. "get over yourself sabrina."
his words were cruel but they weren't anything i hadn't heard before. i tell myself some of those things daily. he was right. what hurt me was the fact that he didn't know why i was upset even though it was his fault, this wasn't the first time he had put me in a situation that will forever make me just want to disappear, but it's a fact that everyone in my family doesn't care about anything that doesn't involve them. i'm used to it.
"say something." he growled.
it had been a minute of silence and i could feel his eyes on my backside as i stood there in shock not being able to move my feet even though i had the energy to run a mile.
"i'm sorry." i mumble.
i opened the door and closed it behind me immediately, drowning out the sound of his voice. he was coming towards me but stopped at the closed door, he didn't come out and i didn't blame him, why would he? i could jump off the roof and it's like a weight would be lifted off his shoulders. he deserved to be happy along with everybody else that has ever had to deal with me.
i ran up the many flights of steps until i reached the door that lead to the only thing that can make everything stop. i've dreamt about this day for what feels like years now and for once, i'm living it. walking out and looking down at everyone on the streets felt like i was on top of the world yet i knew in my mind i was nowhere near the top, i was nothing but a problem and i remain at the bottom to this very day.
i walked carelessly in a straight line on the small strip of concrete on the top of my apartment building, feeling my hair blow through the wind, i closed my eyes so i couldn't be afraid anymore. the strip of concrete that divided the roof, where you stand on when you want to be safe, and your death, where you jump when you don't want to have to live another day feeling the way you do, thinking the things you think, saying the things you say, being the way you are.
i told myself i'd do it but i didn't know how, so i walked back in forth, hoping i'd completely lose my balance so i didn't have to put anymore thought into this.
"hey!" a familiar voice yelled from behind me. familiar, but not anyone i could identify. i shut my eyes tighter doing my best not to turn around. they were nearing me. "what the fuck are you doing? get off of there!"
i didn't listen, instead i did what i was there to do.
there's a ghost by fleurie
