I Hate You (Larry Stylinson) ✅

39. breakdown

August 15

Louis' POV

It's been almost a month since I moved into Liam's. And almost three weeks since I quit footie.

I won't lie and say things have been great. They haven't, Not in the slightest. But they have been better. As much as I hate to admit it, stopping football has really taken the pressure off and quieted the thoughts. They're still there, don't get me wrong, but they're quieter. Because I don't have to worry about running the fastest mile or kicking the most goals or burning the most calories.

I can just relax for once, which is something I haven't allowed myself to do in a really long time.

The guilt still lingers at times, though. I would be surprised if it didn't. But playing tennis helps. Its good to know I'm not totally inactive. We go two or three times a week, and it helps me get my energy out.

Over time, Eating has gotten a lot easier too. I've been really pushing myself to go out to eat with the guys. We made it a tradition to go to Nando's every Friday after tennis.

It's nice to eat with my friends because I am usually having so much fun I forget about the guilt. I also don't feel so bad knowing they're eating the same stuff as me. Last week, I was feeling so much better I almost got dessert, but I chickened out after a few bites.

Better than nothing though, right?

The one thing that is still a bloody nightmare is my body image, and I honestly don't know if that's ever gonna get better. I know it's fucked up, but it kind of helps not being around Harry so much anymore. Because all I wanted in the world was to look good for him- like seriously good, ripped and fit. And it's pretty clear that I can't do that right now, at least not without hurting myself.

Honestly, it's easier to just be alone with my gross body, to just keep it to myself. I'm trying to work on getting my confidence up so that when I finally move back in with Haz, things won't be so much of a disaster in the bedroom. I'm sure he's tired of trying to convince me that I look good. I'm sure I've broken his heart too many times to count with my self-loathing, with my awful comments about my body.

It has to stop. I know it does, and I've been trying to fix things. I've been trying to "accept" my body, and I almost have. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't have abs again, that my thigh gap isn't coming back. I know I can't be thin right now- that it's not healthy for me. I didn't realize it before, but I realize it now: my health should be my number one priority. And not just physical, but mental too.

As much as I try to dent it, the truth is I feel like shit when I'm thin. I'm depressed, miserable, aching in pain. My hair falls out, my skin bruises easily. My joints hurt, I get heart palpitations. I don't want that again. I really don't. The voice in my head wants that - she wants it more than anything. But I don't want to get sick again, and that's what I have to keep focusing on.

Today, as I gather my phone and wallet, I try to keep these thoughts in mind to prepare myself for my date with Harry. With crazy work deadlines and busy schedules, it's been quite a while since Harry and I went on a real date night together. Sure, we will go on lunch break together at the office or I'll see him at tennis, but it's been a while since we've hung out alone. 

I want to shave a bit before I leave, but just as I'm headed to the bathroom, I hear a knock on the door. I rush over to it, ready to tackle Harry and cover his face with kisses. But to my surprise, it's Liam.

"Hey!" I say, raising an eyebrow. "What are you doing knocking?"

"Forgot My key," Liam says, heading inside. He's holding a bag of groceries and I resist the urge to sort through it and look at the calorie content of each of the foods. I can't keep doing that kind of shit... it's just bad for me...