Scared

Chapter 1

Hi guys! So I'm so excited to be starting this story! My original plan was going to be based around all kinds of phobias and have Alan just kinda constantly rambling about how he has this phobia and that phobia but I really wasn't feeling that idea and I couldn't really come up with any background on why Alan would be that way. HOWEVER, I did figure out a background that I think will work with the story, I think it's a little iffy at the moment and may change but currently I really like the idea. So Alan's not going to be obsessing over phobias and naming them off randomly anymore and I think it may work out better this way👌🏻

Anyway! I hope you enjoy the story and let me know in the comments if you're excited for it or how you think this first chapter was!

Thanks for reading lovelies!

Chapter dedications:
@Jack-sucks-Alexs
@ByNasharuu
💖💖💖

Alan's POV

I looked outside my bedroom window and sighed. It looked so pretty out there. The grass was a bright vivid green. The trees were full of leaves. The sun was shining brightly and somewhere in the distance birds were chirping happily. It had been months since I had been outside. Months since I had spoken to anyone besides my parents and my therapist.

For a moment something in me snapped. I wanted to go outside. I was going to go outside. I quickly slipped on the basically new Vans beside my bed and headed out of my room with determination. If I didn't think, if I just did, I would be okay. I made it down the stairs and to the front door with ease, but the moment my hand touched the door knob I froze. It was like the metal of the door was burning my hand. It caused me to jerk my hand away in a motion so quick it hurt. My chest got heavy, like someone was pushing down on it forcefully, and my breathing became erratic. I backed away slowly and sat myself down on one of the bottom steps of the stairs. I wrapped my arms around myself tightly and closed my eyes as I tried to make myself calm down.

I don't know what I was thinking. If I would have went outside so many things could happen. So many bad things. I could get hit by a car. A dog could attack me. A storm could start and I could get caught in the rain, resulting in me getting sick again. I could get kidnapped. The possibilities are endless. My head roared with all the bad things that could happen, causing it to spin. I tried to close off my mind. Not thinking of anything except breathing. I had to get my breathing under control, once I did everything would be okay.

I don't know how long I sat at the bottom of the stairs but eventually I calmed down. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and glanced at the door sadly before standing up from my spot and walking away with my head hung low.  I made my way into the vacant kitchen and sighed. I rested my elbows against the counter top and let my heads rest in my hands.

I hated it. I hated how stupid I was. It was ridiculous how afraid I was of everything. What sixteen year old boy was afraid of walking out his own front door? No matter how many times my parents or therapist told me it was okay and that this just happened sometimes, I couldn't believe them. I refused to believe that this could be considered 'normal'. I'd bet every last dime I had that if you told someone about how afraid I was of  everything, they'd think I was a freak. Hell I think I'm a freak.

I felt anger rise up in me and before I could stop myself I was wheeling around and punching at the cream colored walls of the kitchen. It didn't really do much damage since I wasn't the strongest individual but it still didn't stop me from landing a couple more hits to the sturdy wall. My dad must have heard the commotion because next thing I knew I felt him wrapping his arms around mine and pulling me away from the wall. I didn't struggle against him and just started to apologize.

"Dad I...I'm sorry. I just got mad. I tried to go outside earlier and I froze and freaked out and I couldn't stop thinking about how much of a freak that makes me. I can't even touch the door knob without having a panic attack! And I don't even know why I'm like this! IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID." I said all in one breath. "I'm so stupid." I said and then turned to my Dad who was staring down at me, eyes swimming with more than one emotion.
"Alan you're not stupid." He told me sternly. "And I never want to hear that come out of your mouth again. You may be a little different from some people but you are not stupid." He pulled me into a tight hug that I accepted gratefully.

Once he pulled out of the hug he didn't say anything else about my earlier outburst. He simply ruffled my hair some and asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I told him it didn't matter and then took a seat at the island counter in the middle of the kitchen while he busied himself with cutting up fruit and mixing batter. He sang quietly to himself, causing me to smile. He had one of the best voices that I had ever heard. Him and my Mom both. I always loved to hear them sing.

Then there was me. I couldn't carry a tune to save my life. I couldn't figure out how two talent filled people produced a talentless son. It was one of the many ways I seemed to be different from my parents. Mom had light blonde hair and sea green eyes, Dad had black hair and icy blue eyes, and then there was me. I had bright red hair and dull brown eyes. They were also both naturally tan, whereas I was white as a ghost. But I didn't let it bother me too much. Both sides of Mom and Dad's family were filled with pale skinned redheads, I guess they just got skipped.

"How are my two favorite boys?" My Mom said entering the kitchen. Dad smiled at her and pulled away from the stove to give her a small kiss.
"We're doing good." He answered and then gave me a glance. I rolled my eyes as he tried to whisper to Mom without me hearing. "He tried to go outside again today."
"I'm right here." I told them. They both turned to look at me and my Mom gave me a sympathetic smile.
"Sorry honey." She said. "You know we just don't want to upset you."
"You're not going to upset me by talking about whatever is wrong with me. What upsets me is when you both try and talk behind my back." I said in a quiet voice. "I know I'm screwed up and it worries you guys. I'm sorry and I wish we could just figure out what was wrong with me so I didn't have to worry anyone." They both stared at me with small frowns and I just sighed, before getting up from the stool and walking back up to my room.