Life Isnt So Great

Broken Mind

It happened when I was four. A horrid memory I wish could be erased. A memory hidden from the world deep inside my mind. Growing bigger until it escapes... Breaking my mind.

I was at my grandfather's house after my mother had gotten severely ill and was unable to care for me. My father not being able to take care of both my mom and I decided it would be best if I went and got babysat by his sister. At the time his sister lived in the same house as my war-torn grandfather. My mother had no idea what my dad had accidentally let me get exposed to.

 While most of the memories of that day faded into a blur the traumatic experience that happened that day still plagues my mind to this day. It was late in the evening when my cousin and I were told to get ready for bed. We did as told, and got into our little four-year-old-sized pajamas. After changing, our grandfather said he'd tuck us in and that he would let us sleep with him in his bed. Being naive we did. I remember laying in his bed my cousin on his right side while I was on his right cuddled up against him while The Simpsons played on the TV across the room. Pretty cute and normal right? Except for it wasn't. As we lay there cuddled against our grandfather, his hands roamed our small bodies until he had "found" what he was looking for inside our diapers.  His hand rested on our private areas his fingers rubbing and fondling as he whispered how we were his good, beautiful girls and how much he loved us. 

That was the first time anything like that happened. For years whenever I would visit my cousin's house he'd force her and me to sit on his lap while he rested his hand between either of our thighs. Years...Years until I realized...

  I was four when my grandfather violated me with his fingers. I was defenseless and innocent. It took years for my mind to develop enough to fully understand how wrong that was and how much of a perverted man my grandfather was and still is to this day. 

By the age of 15, I had finally figured it out and became extremely uncomfortable around my grandfather. At 17, I finally came clean to my parents about what had happened, for them not to believe me for years after saying I was little and couldn't remember any of that.

I am 21 now and only my mother believes me, my father is still in denial refusing that his father would do something like that. I haven't been in contact with my grandfather since I was 18 but the damage is still there. My mind forever broken...