public diary.

very big chapter.

i feel guilty.

my dad thinks i'm a dissapointment.
i don't listen to his orders and since now i feel bad.

we have eaten all his chocolate because we thought he had already eaten some, but he didnt.

days pass and he's angrier everytime.

So it all happened yesterday.
My dad went home to put something on the fridge, and he said that we were not showered, playing video games and eating noodles, cister and i.

He said "pigs have found the easiest path" which is a malagasy proberb (proverb from Madagascar island) because "when a pig find the easiest way to do something, he'll always do it that way".

And the day passed, the sun has gone to bed and cister decided... to cook pasta.

After the massage i have given to her (her shoulders hurt and she didnt give me the choice to not do it.) i asked her if she will cook the pasta because she wanted to eat pasta and she said "yes" and she put water on fire so it can boil before putting the pasta in the thing.

We watched a film, she was very close to me. When she was going closer, i got farther because it's not very comfortable after what she has done to me years ago when i didnt even have a conscience of what 'it' is, but well i don't want to talk about it.

She asked me to put the pasta on the boiling water. I did, then we watched a film, and no one thought about the pasta. Then i woke up and went to the kitchen real quick, because my cister didn't care about the pasta and it was done.
So basically i ended up cooking the pasta.

When she went in the kitchen several minutes later, I said "you said yes when i asked you to do it!" But she answered "yeah but you can cook pasta right? I can't ask you to do my job, don't ask me to do yours." And then she started to say "laura, can you do this? Laura, can you do that?? Laura, laura, [•••]" like to annoy me, to tell me i can't even do shit.

I'm starting to hate my own name.

i was really pissed. Like i could take the frying pan with all the pork in it and throw it at her so she burns, goes to the hospital and leaves me the fuck alone. But i didn't.

The pasta was finished and we started to serve but my dad rang the bell. I sighed, thinking about how bad the situation is, then opened the door.

I was closing the door when he said "no, let me do it." and he stood between the door and I then he closed the door.

He wasnt even talking to us. He was closing things very loudly, putting his laundry in the washing machine, and going to his room.

My cister started to make rice for him but he said "i don't even want to eat. Thanks"
So i said "don't make food, it's useless" but she didn't answer.

I was feeling very useless. It's uncomfortable. I started rubbing my fingers and went to the room to... well, calling help in the previous chapter.

I felt like i didnt have to say anything, i was angry because anyone took me seriously, dissapointed because dad said that its bad to eat pasta but the night of the same day we did it, and stressed because i didnt know what to say, plus it was dinner time.

So, i ate with cister.
When she asked me things, i was struggling to explain someting, i was saying things that she didnt understand.

She said "the pasta is very oily. Did you put the pork oil in it?" And i wanted to say that i put butter in it, but i didnt know why it had fat in it. I was stuttering on the words, i was searching words to describe but it ended up confusing.
Then she said with a little threatening angry voice: "Oh, then you don't know why it's like that? The pasta are naturally like that??"
Then i said "no, but i don't know why it's like that, i put the pork on the cooking pot with the spatula and i didnt put oil in it" and she was asking firmly "why it's that oily then?"
And I said that i may have put oil on the pasta to close the conversation. (but i know that i didn't, i swear on my own life, the pan had all its oil in itself)

I took my towel and wiped the mayonnaise from my mouth, then she said "YOU SEE, you have to wipe it everytime because it's OILY." I swear i was almost in tears of anger, but also of fear. I wanted to leave but my head told me to eat more.

So i ate and then went to the couch with my phone, playing "heads off". (i eventually have reached my record, more than seventy years old)
My cister talked to me but i didnt want to talk to her. I was saying one-word answers. All that matters was my music.

Then i heard a boom, then cister said "Hey, 'miss-don't-care-about-everything', take the remote, it fell." Then i took it and put it on the couch.
I wanted to leave and go to bed be ause i was in an uncomfortable position and i was in a sad mood. My eyes were watering but i had to wait so she doesnt worry about anything. Five minutes later, i left the living-room and went to bed.

I fell asleep listening to sad songs.

Yesterday was an awful day, firstly because i was in a "bad mood" the whole day and secondly because i'm questioning everything, gender and sexuality, i am fed up of this.

Please talk to me. I would be happy about it. :)

Bye.
-Lobalox