The Beginning and the Memory// 13RW

08 Welcome To Your Tape

Mondays. They always suck, but this one was worse. I had listened to Clay's tape last night, and watching him stare at Hannah's locker, which was now taken by some new girl, was rough. He looked rough, and tired. He had been on a revenge streak- getting some sort of justice for Hannah. I didn't blame him, but he looked tired. He was hurting. He lost a love he could've had, but was too scared to pursue.
    "Clay," I called to him softly, and he turned around. It didn't take long for him to burst into tears and pull me into a hug. I rubbed his back, laying my head on his shoulder.
    "I've tried," he choked out, "I've tried so hard."
    "I know," I whispered, "we'll get Justice, Clay, I promise."
    "But what if we don't, Emm?" He looked at me,and I noticed that the gash on his forehead had gotten worse. "What if the Bakers lose the trial, and Hannah gets no justice?"
    I shook my head slowly, "even if the Bakers lose, Hannah will get justice. It's gonna be okay."
     "Have you even listened to your tape, Emmalee?"
     I froze, my stomach twisting. I hadn't, but what did that have to do anything? He seemed angry, and I hadn't even done anything wrong.
    "Talk to me when you actually understand how it feels to have your name in these tapes."
    He stormed off, leaving me in the middle of the hallway. I looked up and found Zach looking at me from the opposite end of the hall.
    I shrugged at him, tears spilling out of my eyes. He walked up to me, pulling me into a hug.
    "Wanna get out of here?" He whispered, kissing the top of my head. I nodded, and just like that, we left. It was kind of a thing now, for us kids on the tapes. To just leave, skip school. Like it didn't even matter anymore. Because it didn't. Nothing did.
    Zach drove us to the hill that overlooked the city and parked the car. He looked over at me while I stared out the windshield at the vacant bench ahead of us.
     "It's been really hard lately," Zach told me, "for everyone, Emm, and I know Clay didn't mean what he said to you earlier, or how he said it."
    "How would you know, Zach?" I asked quietly, sniffing. "He seemed so serious. He was so mad.."
    "Exactly," Zach said, "he's just mad."
    I looked down at my bag, deciding to pull the Walkman out, with number 12 inside, waiting to be played. I ran my manicured thumb over it.
    "Clay said that this is my tape," I told Zach, and I watched him nod from the corner of my eye.
    He grabbed my hand in his, squeezing it.
    "I'm right here," he told me, bringing my hand up to his lips.
    I let out a shaky breath. Putting the earbuds in my ears. Zach held my hand, running his thumb over the top to calm me down. It helped a little, just knowing that he was there.

    "Friends come and go, but there's always at least one that you thought would be the one to stay. Through all of the bullshit, all of the drama, the whole shabang. But it turns out, they leave, too. Not always voluntarily, sometimes without a choice, or maybe it was just a dumb mistake that you wish would have never happened.
    I told you there were four stories to tell about that night. But first, let's go back a little.
    To say that I knew you, Emmalee Andrews, would be an understatement. We were practically inseparable from the day that you started at Liberty High. You had noticed me in communications class, looking terribly sad and out of place. You had been told things about me from the people you met trying to make friends with you, things about me being a slut, and many other horrible things. But, I could tell that you knew, that I was none of those things.
    So what did You do? Something that surely no one else would have done.
    You befriended me. Hannah Baker. The well known slutty girl that would let any guy get in her pants.
    There was an empty seat beside me and, disregarding all of the other open seats, you chose it. You slipped your backpack off your shoulder and onto the floor, slid into the chair, and looked over at me.
    I was surprised that you had sat next to me. I never expected you to smile at me and introduce yourself. And I never expected you to become my best friend. My rock. The one I confided in with everything. You were the only person I trusted.
    Welcome to your tape, Emm."

    I squeezed Zach's hand tightly, and he brought my hand to his lips once again to remind me that he was here for me. I appreciated it so much. Who knows what I would do if I was on my own.

    "We did so much together, and I even spilled to you everything that had happened to me. You let me cry on your shoulder, you were always there when I needed you.
    Then why are you on this tape? some might ask.
    Our friendship is not the reason you are on these tapes, Emm. Do not get me wrong, I appreciated you. We were each other's rocks, and it felt great to know that I finally had someone that I could trust.
    It was the party.
    Story number four.

    On top of drinking way too much and laughing until our sides hurt, I ditched you to be with someone else. I knew that you had just recently gotten out of your relationship, but I left you alone, which is something I should have never done.
    This story falls into place just in between the stories I've already told.
    Before Sheri tapped on my shoulder, and after everything else.
    Except, the only difference about this story is that I don't have the full one.
    I assume that your night had been identical to mine- awful. When you walked into the room and found Zach kissing me, you had already been crying. You looked broken, like something had hurt you so bad and nothing could fix it. Zach drunkly kissing me just added to the pile of awful that had happened to you that night.
    Everything had gone so wrong so fast.
    I tried to stop you, but Jeff had already pulled you into his arms and walked you out the door. I know you noticed I had been crying, too. Just like you.
    What happened to you, Emmalee? What happened behind the closed doors of that upstairs bedroom?
    If it's what I think it was, I'm glad I wasn't there to witness it. I don't think I could have gone through that twice."

    I stopped the tape, ripping the earbuds out of my ears. I pulled my hand away from Zach's, putting both of my hands over my face.
    "Hey, Hey," he spoke softly, "I'm here, Emm, you're okay."
    "I can't," I cried, "I can't, I can't, I can't."
     He got out of the car, hurrying to my door and pulling me into his arms.
    "Come on," he picked me up, carrying me over to the bench. He gently put me down, sitting next to me. We stared out over the city, and I leaned my head on his shoulder.
   "Figured you'd need some air," he told me, kissing the top of my head again.
    I nodded slowly, fidgeting with the Walkman on my lap.
    "I think I'll finish it now," I told him, sniffing.
    "Go ahead, I'm right here."

    "Sheri tapped on my shoulder after everything went down, and I noticed you and Jeff sitting on the porch swing when we walked out.
    We had left just a little bit before you and Jeff.
    Sheri had knocked over the stop sign and drove away.
    When I called to report the sign, the police told me there had already been an accident reported.
    You and Jeff.
    I was so heartbroken and angry when I had gotten the news. I was angry at Sheri for not reporting the sign, and I was heartbroken because Jeff was dead, and you were hospitalized.
   Things got really bad after that.
   I needed you, but you weren't there. And I know that's not your fault. But if I wouldn't have ditched you that night, if Zach wouldn't have kissed me, maybe I would still be alive, and you wouldn't have been in the hospital.
    I love you always, Emm.
    I know you'll do what you have to do when you're done with these tapes.
    I'm sorry that it had to end this way."

   That was it.
    This tape broke me.
    "Emm?"
    I stared out over the city, and I wanted more than anything to be able to walk over to the cliff, and jump.