The Beginning and the Memory// 13RW

11 Stuck in a State of Mind

The waiting room was silent, and cold. The air was full of worries of death. And I was questioning myself. "Why? Why would he do this?"
    But I already knew the answer. The tapes had gotten to him, as they had gotten to me. He felt guilty, just like me. He felt like he could have stopped it, just like me. But, the only difference is, he went through with his thoughts.
    But that was selfish, making this situation about me. It was Alex in that hospital room, not me. Alex could be dead- this wasn't about me. But I couldn't stop thinking that it could be me.
    I was brought out of my thoughts when Jess walked back into the room, her hand in a fist over her mouth, holding a crumpled tissue. Her eyes were red, puffy, and glassy with tears. I wanted to walk over to her and pull her into my arms in a comforting embrace, but when I tried, I couldn't. Stupid legs.
    "They aren't letting anyone see him right now," Jess told Zach and I from across the room, dropping her arms to her sides. She sniffed, curling her lips inward and glancing away from us.
    "He's in critical condition," she continued, "they're not sure if he will make it."
     I looked down at my fidgeting hands, picking at my plain nails. What if he died? The second successful suicide attempt in Crestmont. How would everyone react?
    I shook the thoughts from my head. He wasn't dead. They could still save him.
    "Emm?"
    I looked up to see Zach's worried expression.
    "Are you okay?" He asked, taking my hand in his. I stared down at our hands, feeling sick.
    "I need to go home," I whispered, a few tears falling onto our hands.

    I lay flat on my back, staring at the ceiling with my hands folded over my stomach, thinking of anything and everything that has gone wrong and what could still go wrong.
    I knew we all felt guilty about Hannah, even though there was nothing we could have done to stop it. Or, that's what everyone says, at least. We couldn't have stopped it.
   But maybe, if the people on the tapes would have stayed friends with her, and would have been there for her during those last hard times, she would still be alive. Including me, even though there was no way I could have.
    I ran my fingertips over my wrist, up and down. Would it hurt? To do what Hannah did?
    That was a stupid question. Of course it would hurt. The real question was, would it take the pain away? Did it really take Hannah's away?
     All Hannah did was push her pain off onto me, and the others. I mean, for fucks sake, look at Alex.
    I couldn't get her out of my head. She was my best friend, and I'd never see her again. I'd never hug her again, id never laugh with her again. I'd never hear her voice again if I sent on the tapes. And, if I sent on the tapes, who knows what would happen. There was no way Bryce would send them on after hearing what Hannah had to say about him.
    Of course I had videos and pictures, but it wasn't the same. The pictures weren't her. They were lifeless. And the memories were nothing but memories.

   
I walked into Communications, and spotted the girl Courtney told me was Hannah Baker. She looked so sad and out of place, it hurt me. I didn't even know the girl, but I wanted to make her happier.
    I walked over to the open seat next to hers, taking my backpack off and sitting down. I looked over at Hannah with a smile, but she looked surprised.
    "Hi," I stuck my hand out to her, "I'm Emmalee Andrews."
    She looked around before taking my hand, "Hannah," she said quietly, "Hannah Baker."
    I smiled, then turned towards the front of the class.
    After a few minutes, Hannah leaned over towards me slightly, "out of all these empty seats, you chose the one next to me?"
    I looked at her, "yeah, why?"
    Hannah shrugged, "saw you talking to Courtney in the hallway. I figured she already told you how big of a slut I am."
    I laughed a bit, "of course she did, but I'm not one to listen to what other people say," I explained, "I like to find things out for myself. And I think you look like an amazing person."
    Hannah smiled, "thank you."

    I pulled the pillow over my face and screamed as loud as I could through my tears.
    Would it ever get better?
    At this point, I didn't believe it would.

    Everyone crowded into the gym, talking and laughing as if nothing happened last night. I couldn't stand it. I stayed alone in the corner by the exit. I assumed this whole meeting assembly thing was for Alex.
     No one was going to care. It's not like Alex was popular or anything, and he wasn't dead.

    No one really cares about you until you're dead.

    I thought back to when Clay and I were looking at Hannah's locker my first day back, and how he had sounded so hurt when he said that to me. It was true. No one cares unless you're dead or dying.
    I looked around the gym and spotted Clay across the room, standing by the doors. He had his arms crossed over his chest, and he sported a black eye along with the healing gash on his forehead. I wondered what had happened. I hadn't talked to Clay or even seen him since he walked away from me a few weeks ago.
    I made my way over to him in the crowd of people. He didn't notice until I spoke.
    "Hey."
    He jumped, looking back at me.
    "Hey," he mumbled, looking out at the gym floor.
    "I finished the tapes."
    He turned to face me, looking me over as if he were analyzing something.
     "Did he do it? What Hannah says he did?"
     I shook my head, looking out at the gym floor, "Hannah never said he did anything."
     "You know what I mean, Emmalee," he leaned closer, "did Bryce rape you?"
     "God, Clay!" I scoffed, shaking my head, "I didn't come over here to talk about what happened to me, if anything happened at all."
    "But you know it did," he stated, scrunching his nose in anger, "you know he raped you, and he raped Jessica, and he raped Hannah-"
     "Really, Jensen?"
    We both turned our heads to find Zach standing behind us, looking disappointed.
     "Zach, it's okay-"
     "No, he can't just talk about that shit, especially to you," Zach protested, pushing me away from Clay. I looked back at him, and he  shook his head before walking out of the gym.
    "Zach, I could have done that by myself," I told him angrily, "I don't need you to swoop in and rescue me all the damn time!"
    "Emm, he was assuming shit," Zach told me, and I shook my head.
     "But it was true," I felt tears coming to my eyes as I spoke, "he was right."
     Zach was surprised that I admitted to it, because I hadn't admitted it to anyone but Jessica. But now it was official to him. I was raped, by the guy he thought was one of his friends.
      I left through the exit, Zach following on my heels.
    "Emm!"
    I stopped, turning around.
    He got down on his knees in front of me, holding both of my hands in his. His eyes had filled with tears.
    "I'm so sorry," he told me, bringing my hands to his lips. He wasn't apologizing for taking me away from Clay. He was apologizing for Bryce.
    He laid his head on my lap as he cried, and I ran my fingers through his hair, crying with him.