Song 25 ♪ I Can Get No (Self Satisfaction)

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Ma thought she was punishing me by taking me back to school just before curfew on Sunday night, and I did a pretty good job at pretending to be surly, but she did me a favor instead. She parked the car by the entrance and I jumped out to gather my bags. I looked up at the looming building with a sense that it was enclosing on me and for the first time I had the impression like it was it what I wanted to escape, instead of ma.

All because of a stupid boy.

When she rolled down the window and told me to behave and stay away from those kids, I even agreed with her whole heartedly.

I waited until her car disappeared down the street to face the front door. If I stumbled upon somebody on my way upstairs, and by somebody I had a very specific person in mind, I would pray for spontaneous combustion to get me out of any possible conversation. I was really irritated that from the beginning of my time at Trinity, a rich, white boy was shaping my life around him. First, it was ma and now this. When was I going to become the owner of my own fate?

I squared my shoulders and pushed the door open. A partial answer was that if I kept running away from the things I didn't want to face, I was sure to keep allowing everybody else to push me around. Like water in a river, just taken by gravity and smacking rocks around.

I wanted to be the gravity.

There were a few younger kids lounging around the stairs as I made my way to the girls room 43. The door was unlocked and I figured that Addy was inside. I found her sprawled on the floor cutting fabric of a vibrant orange color, listening to some chill music. She looked up at me.


My brow creased. There was a tad of tension in her voice. I scrambled my brains trying to think of what I might have done to upset her, but came up short. I dumped my backpack on my bed and pushed my suitcase under my bed. Then I sat down to see what she was doing. There were lines drawn all across the fabric into what I assumed was the pattern, but I couldn't make out what it was supposed to be.

"Is it a sweater?" I guessed.

"A jacket, actually." She pulled away and set the scissors down for a moment, looking at her work like it had been a while since she looked at the whole instead of the detail. "Persimmon is my favorite color and I kind of want to make me a persimmon power suit. With buttons of different colors."

I could see her in it, tall and powerful and taking no sass from anybody. "Sounds awesome, actually."

When the praise didn't soften her expression, I knew something was up. I folded my hands on my lap and took a deep breath.

"Okay, what's going on?"

She folded her arms and leveled me a stare.

"Frankly, I'm a little wounded," she said.

I looked down at my hands, fretting with the hem of my t-shirt. "What did I do?"

There was a break of silence before she sighed. "I guess it's not big deal and I'm just being a prick. But why didn't you tell me?"

My head was still spinning with confusion. "Tell you what?"

Addy shrugged. "About your family, your background."

I had an epiphany at that second, as my body reacted to how freaked out I was when understanding dawned on me. I broke into a sweat as if I were a mall fountain being turned on. It was why I couldn't stand being in the spotlight. I couldn't help but to disappoint. If I told everybody here where I came from, they'd turn their backs on me. Now that they'd found out, they probably thought I was beneath them and a liar.

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