South Park: Decent to Madness

Part 16: Two Guys at a Bar (Stan's POV)

Friday night. It's just an average Friday night.
But Butters is gone, and that makes all the difference.

For a while, I had tried to stop getting blackout drunk on weeknights, but all those plans to better myself were thrown out the window after he killed himself. I couldn't go two hours without a sizeable amount of jack chugged down my throat, all to ease my nerves. My grades were beginning to slip even more, and my dad was getting more and more frustrated with me. "Shelly didn't get all D's in a semester!" He'd yell. "Shelly got A's and B's AND got into an Ivy League college!" Dad would shout. Damn Shelly and her fucking Ivy Leauge college. Thanks to her high GPA, nobody even cares what I think anymore.

The bar is quiet tonight, surprisingly. Only a few teens playing poker and some stoner passed out on the couch. Dianna, the beautiful bartender, sees me come in. "Evenin', Stan. The usual?" She asks in her cute country accent. I nod quietly. I glace at her while I wait for my drink. "Why do you do this, Dianna?" I ask her out of the blue. "You serve alcohol and drugs to minors like me. You watch us waste our lives away like a whole bunch of losers. What's the point? Why are you alive?" I ask her. She looks at me strangely and puffs on her cigarette. "I don't usually talk to cunts like you, but since I'm bored tonight, I'll tell ya, kid." She smiled at me, handing me my vodka. "I do it for the cash, kid. There's nothing more important in this world than money. I don't care if you guys get liver cancer or whatever. I want money. This underground bar was started for that purpose only." She said. Dianna tossed her blonde hair, looking younger than ever, even though she was older than all of us. "You're a slut." I say, chugging down the shot and signaling for another. She laughed. "I'm only a slut for one person. You're just stupid." She said, handing me back the glass. Suddenly, the door behind us opened. "Speak of the devil." She said, rushing over to help the newcomer. I impulsively grabbed the bottle of vodka and took a huge sip while she wasn't looking. The person who had walked in sat down a couple seats from next to me. "Hey babe. I'll be with you in a minute." Dianna said, moving on to the other side of the bar. At this point, I was beginning to feel woozy, and my vision was blurred.

I glanced over to my left to see a large blur sitting with his head in his arms. "C-Cartman...?" I asked. The figure sat up. "H-h-hey man!! I didn't k-know you liked to d-drink!" I slurred. I began chugging the vodka until it was empty. "On the occasion, yes." He said. I had completely forgotten about my promise to Kyle. "Weeellll that's great!!! Beer does grreeat stuff for y-your bones, you know." I said, shifting a little from side to side. "I'm just here to get my mind off things." He replied. I began drooling a little, looking like a retard. "Hahaha...like the voices in y-your heAd?? Hahahaha!!" I joked. Cartman gave me a blank look. "....Yes, exactly like that." I stopped drooling for a second. "...Huh?" Dianna walked back up to us and gave Cartman a big, fat kiss on his cheek. "Hey, babe.." She said. Cartman smiled at her. She held a large bottle behind her back. "I heard you were stressing out, so I got you something special." She said, handing the fat boy a large jug of whiskey. "They call it 'Dragon's Breath' and its illegal in seven states. I couldn't sell it to anyone else, so i figured you might want it." She said, looking coy. Cartman smiled at her and took the top off. The other patrons in the bar gathered around us and began to chant. "Chug...chug...chug..." The voices began, and Cartman began to drink. It seemed to burn him as it went down his throat. The other drunken losers cheered, and two guys sloppily kissed each other as he finished off the last bit. Cartman dropped the huge jug on the ground, and fell over. Dianna laughed, and ran over to him. I raised my glass. "Helllll yeah, baby!" I screeched.

It was really late now...I had barely any idea what time it was. Cartman had completely passed out, and I was sitting on the couch next to him, on the verge of passing out myself. I opened up my phone, and began texting.

Stanofmanymoons49: heeeeeeeeeeyyy babeee ;)((
Wendybaby438: Stan is that you??
Stanofmanymoons49: you know you seeexy as fucccvv
Wendybaby438: ugh are you drunk texting me??
Stanofmanymoons49: fUCk nooo
Wendybaby438: stan stop fucking texting me before i call token.
Stanofmanymoons49: ........i miss u
Wendybaby438: thats it im so blocking your number this is the THIRD time this has happened. Goodbye stan.

((You have been removed from the chat))

I sighed and slammed his phone shut. I sipped down the last of the vodka, and looked up at the celing. Cartman began to mutter under his breath incoherently. "Finally...finally....a restful sleep...without hearing those voices..." I looked up at him barely conscious. "What...?" He began to chuckle. "Its too bad I don't get hangovers anymore..my brain's quiet then, too." He said mostly to himself. I gave him a shocked look. "Ah...you don't understand. Of course you don't. You've never heard of your old best friend hearing evil voices screeching in his head, haven't you?" My eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "Who..are..you?!" I asked. The panic was settling in. There was something in that drink...it turned Cartman into something dark! "Cartman..aaaare you i-in there?" I asked. He grabbed me by the throat and began to squeeze. "It's too bad nobody will be around to see this..and I already bribed Dianna." He said, squeezing tighter and tighter, breaking off my airflow. My hands grasped at my throat desprately, and i let out a bunch of choking noises. Cartman's face was one of pure pleasure. He was laughing quietly, shaking, and muttering. He looked as if this was his favorite thing to do...perhaps he was getting some kind of sexual gratification from it? My vision began to fade out. The last thing I saw was a reflection of Dianna in the mirror, holding a hundred-dollar bill.

I heard many strange things as my conscieness left me. Some voices saying, "Money really is everything." The breaking of glass, and some strange sirens. I awoke to a migrane headache, and I slowly opened my eyes to see a shit-ton of police cars surrounding the bar...no wait. It wasn't the bar, it was my house. I was surrounded by tons of empty beer bottles, and...was that a noose in the corner? I tried getting up and assessing the situation, but before I could even figure out what was going on, there was a loud banging on the door. "FBI, OPEN UP!!" A loud voice yelled. The door was broken down, and a bunch of police officers burst in. "Jesus christ, he was right! This kid is on the verge of suicide!"

"Huh?!" I asked, looking at the mess behind me. I began to panic. "N-n-no! This isn't my stuff, I swear!" I stuttered. "Chief, look at his arm, we might want to approach this carefully." One of the younger officers said. I began to panic. I slowly looked over at my left arm...

My sleeve was rolled up
Exposing all my secrets, all of them that I had hidden for so long.

I ran for the front door, hoping to make a break for it, but the policeman grabbed me and handcuffed my ass. They dragged me to the squad car, while I screamed and thrashed. No...no!! NO!!! I was locked inside the car while I sobbed uncontrollably. No...this is another nightmare. This isnt happening.

The car started, and as it drove away, I saw Cartman explaining something to the cops.