random thoughts

describing panic attacks

So you... want to know what happens when you get scared of being scared. Well, if I could, I'd stay in my house all day, cause I keep thinking what happens if I get a panic attack in public. Going to the shop or the pharmacy is torture, so I plan ahead. I think about ways to escape. When I stand in line I start thinking about how everything can go wrong. Unknown places paralyze me because I don't have an emergency plan for those. I hate crowds. Parties, festivals, theaters: I used to love these, but now it's out of the question. I hate buses, planes, the tube, because there's no easy way you can escape. I don't meet a lot of new people. Partly because I'm scared, partly because it's hard to meet someone new when you just stay in your bed all day. I think too much. I think ahead, I think behind, I think sideways. If it exists, I fucking thought of it. And it's not like I can just quit and choose not to have anxiety, it's not just simple worrying... But there comes a time when you just have to leave the house, otherwise you'll starve to death and you probably have someone you really care about so you have to make an effort. So I walk out the door. My route is very simple, I can almost see the place where I'm heading. And then

it kicks in. I feel the street tilting, the road is so grey it's going to burn my eyes out and I'm probably going to fly out into space because I can't feel my feet on the ground. A million thoughts pass through my mind."No, I've been through this before. I'm all right. Can they see me? Will someone call and ambulance? I can't breathe. I'm going to pass out. Please make it stop". This time I was lucky. I made it through. And pretty much no one knows. I don't want to show my weaknesses because like I don't want them to judge me. They'll say I'm whining or being dramatic anyway, so it's just easier to hide it. People don't realize how often I just lie my bed, crying and shaking, without any particular reason. They don't know how many great opportunities or even simple daily activities, I have to say no to, because this thing completely paralyzes me. All they see is someone who indulges in self-pity, they think I'm lazy or rude, that's why I didn't go out with them. Yet again. No. Actually, I was lying on my bathroom floor, unable to move, completely exhausted after another panic attack. That's why I didn't come. All my plans for the future got lost somewhere along the way... because... How do you think about studying in a different city, among complete strangers when you can't even go to the nearby shop without thinking the whole world's going to cave in on you.And I think people just don't get it, because we expect those with mental disorders to just walk around, with no makeup on, in ragged clothes... and dirty hair... looking like they are completely crazy, and the truth is exactly the opposite. We try to hold on to what's left of our sanity by at least trying to look normal. And when you finally open up and you tell someone, people just... tune out.