random thoughts

what is inside my brain

Most people don't understand the panic you feel in public, they don't understand the way your heart beats to pounce in your chest, how your fears never leave your mind no matter how bothersome they may be. you can't escape them you know you'll never fit in like everybody else. yet, you're still so desperate to. I don't know where it all started, the terror you feel in a room full of people, and that thing my throat creeping its way up. I can feel the signals their eyes judging me. I try to avoid it most times. of course sometimes it's unavoidable.at times like these I can only hope they don't notice me which isn't hard because they really do.I try to keep it that way,blending into the background of it all, it's been safer that way and in some way it becomes a box no one can get in to hurt you .. you can't get out of it either, it's still better though because the minute you open your mouth you've opened yourself up to their ridicule you never really know if they're laughing with you or at you.. if I could I'd spend the day cooped in my mind in a world where I'm normal, reality kicks in, it brings me back here I wonder why I try so hard a lot of the time because nothing will change. I'll always still be afraid of their thoughts. but I still keep trying because I just want them to like me , I just want to feel understood.. I wouldn't be able to stop worrying for once! I've already missed that opportunity by now.. people don't even know I'm here, I've painted myself permanently into the background.. there's a point when you come to realize that you're just a disturbance to the rest of the universe ,an interruption.. and it's because you believe the voice in the back of your mind, selling you doubt it won't leave it won't disappear but you will ,you will with time.. sometimes you think you can escape the fear of it all and be normal until one little thought strikes you!! "they think you're an idiot" "they don't wanna talk to you" you realize just how impossible that dream is .the thoughts don't feel like you're on at first , like someone else is feeding you these lines "no one wants you to sit here that's why they don't talk to you" "why would you eat that in front of them just stop stop now!" you started an avalanche now you constantly worry about messing up if not that you worry about what people are thinking because the most terrifying that know someone else's mind "they won't care what you have to say just don't" talk it's the fear of what you think may happen that follows you , hold you back more than anything else "they'll think you're stupid either way" this isn't your full potential but you wouldn't know that though because the fear is so blinding just don't talk you think too much ,you worry too much .."they did it on purpose they never wanted you to come" anyway you can't change that you're in too deep you can't lose the terror of being in front of them , you can't hide the panic you feel in the corners of your mind and the hopes that it will never show up . fear is always there just waiting for an opportunity to become the forefront of your mind once again "just forget it no one wants to hang out with you, they'll only be thinking how weird you are the whole time they never wanted you to come!"... it's ironic that is almost too easy for you to disappear because of a disorder that will never leave you alone.. "no matter how much you want to get rid of me always be there to share whispering in your ear and every ear willing to listen"..