BECAUSE IT'S YOU

Wild, shy, and in love

I am waking up in your bed, remembering how wonderful you were last night. Is this really not a dream?

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5:35 PM, August 3rd, 2018 - Bangkok

My phone buzzed, a text from P' Saii. The bed-scene shoot was postponed. You had left the set.

I felt vanquished, full of hatred and grotesque for myself. You know! Oh God! You know! A quick-witted guy like you must have spotted it. How could I be so careless? Why did I kiss you for real earlier? I threw my head back at the headrest, violently punching the right pillars of the van. My driver approached in panic, but quickly turned away after peeking through the heavily tinted windows. He understood that I needed my space.

Since when did you know? How did you know? What have you been thinking of me? Good God! You must have been sickened every time you looked at me. Does your girl know, too? Ha ha. Why wouldn't she? I dejectedly chuckled, turning my head from side to side on the headrest, rocking the left arm on my forehead, couldn't open my eyes. That's it. The end of a seemingly perfect bromance and co-star relationship. I am in so much agony. My entire body curled up in pain on the ride home. P' Aat helped pull me toward the van's door, neatly donned a jacket over me, covering my head with its hood, propping me all the way inside the condo. Mom was still out with nóong.

I went right into the bathroom, latched the door, slumped into the bathtub, and let the cold water run over my fully enrobed body. I was spaced out for hours. I couldn't think. I was like this the day dad left, feeling the world crumbling above me. You are my world, Korn. The world of my present. My now shattered present. But I couldn't cry. Anger and regrets kept building up in me. It felt as though the tiny capillaries in my brain were bursting one by one, with each a sharp pain on my temples.

I walked out of the tub in shrivers, undressed, covering myself in a blanket, dialing Coren's number.

"Knock?" Coren answered in his sleepy voice. It's only 5AM there but I couldn't care less. "You need me?"

I couldn't speak. Tears started to run down my face. My mind was in a sea of sorrow. My chest felt suffocated. I let out a sob.

"It's okay, Knock. It's okay to cry. Shhh! shhh!" I heard Coren leaving his bed, closing the door behind him, probably didn't want to disturb his wife. "It's okay, bro. I am here for you. It's gonna be alright, I promise. Shhh! Shhh!"

He must have repeated those words for another 10 minutes. I finally calmed down.

"I think he knows, bro. He's been avoiding me. He left in the middle of the shoot today." I tried to clear my nose and throat, speaking through snuffles. My mind is clearer after crying. Tears are such effective stress reliever.

"Listen to me, Knock. I want you to go stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. Go now!" He pressed, waited for me to heed, then steadied his voice, enunciating every word. "Now look into your eyes. Do you love Korn? Just answer to yourself. Do you love him? If you do, that's all that matters, Knock. Why do you have to fear your love? It's BEAUTIFUL to be able to love someone, Knock. It takes bravery. So, don't be dismayed! Be proud of your love! Even if he does not understand you or your affection, it's okay! You have given. But you can't force him to take it. Am I right? So what do you do? You wait if you have the time. Or you cooly say 'Ah, alright!' and walk away. Relationships are dynamic, Knock. It's impossible to restore them to pristine states once they have shattered or cracked. No matter how hard you try to put them back together, the scars of the schism remain. So, re-summon your cool and bravery and face it head-on, Knock. You have learned to love. Now also learn to let go. Be loving, but be positive. You will get through the pain. I guarantee it. Learn to let go of what does not belong to you. Respect his feelings. A fair man will live in harmony with the world. A fair man is a cool man. So admit your love and keep your cool, my brother! I am proud of you."