s o u l m a t e s

rant/talk

TRIGGER WARNING: 

MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND DEPRESSION. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE THINGS PLEASE DON'T READ.

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okay, before we even start, here's the suicide hotline. i don't want anybody hurt. 

  1-800-273-8255 

please please PLEASE call if you are ever thinking about commiting suicide. 

now that's over with, I'm here to talk. I'm actually here, balling my eyes out at 11:30 at night, sitting down and typing this out for all of you.

This isn't what I usually post, yes. But I need people to see this. 

Please don't end your life. It is NOT worth it. You have so much to live for, so much more ahead of you in life. So many people care for you and so many people will be heartbroken if you die. I don't mean to sound rude to people who go through this when I say this but this is the damned truth and I learned the hard way. Suicide is a selfish option. It is not and will never be the answer, even in your most god damn depressing times. There will always be someone to turn to, I'm a random stranger and hey, you can always message me when you're feeling sad. Or when you need to talk to me at all. There will always be a shoulder to cry on. so please don't take that risk. it has hurt so many people, and once you do it you can't go back. remember that.

I love all of you and if I ever saw any of you hurt it would be heartbreaking. So many people go through this issue and end up taking their life. Each year 44,965 Americans die by suicide. If you divide that by 365, that's approximately 123 people dying each day of suicide. 123 people who didn't think and ended their lives too soon. I don't want that to happen to any of you. I've been through it, I know how it feels to feel like giving up. At one point, I did give up. I stopped taking care of myself. Which only taught me to pick myself up again and keep going. Right now I still have that feeling and it has been in my head frequently every day but I keep listening to the gut feeling that I'm going to be okay, even though I feel like I'm not. Whatever reason you feel like ending your life, things can get better. Scratch that, things WILL get better. You can't give up yet.

I know it's hard. It will be hard for a long while but you will always have support. There is always another way to feel better. Again, please don't take that risk. Think of the consequences. You can't go back once you've done it. I can't go on without rambling about my story so I might as well. You can skip this if you want.

So for a long while I was normal. I was a kid who danced around the elementary school playground, happy to be where I was. Alot of bad things had happened between my end-of-elementary ages. My grandfather had gotten a brain injury, my mom was in the hospital for several months and she couldnt walk and she lost all of her hair. But in the end I was okay. I had found the social media, video games, made friends, etc etc. But then it started to hit me. The feeling of not being as good as the people I looked up to. The annoying feeling of being imperfect. I hated it. Everyone I knew seemed so perfect. So I strived to be them. I started acting like them, trying to be nicer, practicing a less ugly smile. To the point where all of that was fake. I didn't care about the friends I looked up to anymore. They left me. I still felt imperfect no matter what. I didn't want to keep going anymore. It felt infinite. The list of my insecurities was growing. I was fat. I wasn't pretty. I was a mistake. I was questioning alot of things. I was so hurt with myself. By then, I was about to move out of the hellhole I called my home in Texas. There were so many rude people there but some people were nice for the most part. I was terrified of leaving the people I had taken YEARS to meet. Ever since kindergarten I had the same people to look up to. The same people to talk to about my problems. Things had started looking better for me. The girl I liked had asked me out right before I left, and me being the person who would crush HARD said yes. I had online friends. Things were actually pretty positive. 

Until that dumb move where everything went downhill. 

The only positive thing I could say about that move was I was near most of my family so if I couldn't get help from my friends I could run to them. I was excited to be in California. I was about to jump back into school midyear (EVEN WORSE THAN YOU THINK). It was normal despite the terrified feeling and the insecurity. So I went into school and things were normal until drama started up. People were cruel. Their jokes were bullshit and it made me feel even worse about myself. It came to the point where I questioned everything. The school had found out about me being pansexual, and I couldn't trust anybody anymore. By then I went from a friend group to one friend. Ontop of that, I was questioning my gender identification. Everything had sucked but I had stayed positive for a long while because I had people who I had grown up with my whole life: My family. My grandmother and grandfather were a ten minute drive away, a phone call away. Hell even an instagram text away. 

One day, that changed.

My grandfather had passed away.

Through all of the times where I thought 'today is the day' that day I wasn't prepared and it had happened. Everybody in my family was so depressed because we were so happy with him for the past few weeks. I had just gotten into Harry Potter, he had made my nickname Cho just because I was the apparent Chosen One. The first child. I'm still upset over it to this day and it pains me to even be in the same bed he slept. Right now I'm sitting at the table typing this out as I look back and see how happy he was. Photos of him everywhere, mentions of him. It drives me mad but I don't care. I miss him. I know how painful it is to lose somebody to something so small and so stupid. That brain injury hadn't just physically hurt him. It had emotionally hurt him too. Alot. Me and my aunt would always look back at his things. At his journal from when he was in the hospital. Specifically one of the pages in the journal stated 'I feel like a burden to the family'. God damn I was balling tears for days. It had made me even more depressed ontop of everything. The feeling of ending my own life was growing stronger and for a long period of time I wanted to do it. After a long LONG while of spending time with my family I had stopped myself. Tried to make things better. I'm still trying my hardest to this day. 

And through all of this, the point is that there will be a way to be happy. There always will be. Even in your darkest times in life. Focus on the positive. All of the scenarios I just named. Moving to a new state. Thought positive and ended up doing fine. My mom was in the hospital for several months. She thought about her children and how they were outside of the hospital. She had thought positive and ended up getting out of the hospital even when the doctors said she couldn't. My grandfather passed away. We all were depressed over it but we're thinking positive and doing fine. We had lost so much through the timespan of these past years, we had loved, we had hated, and we had times where we felt like giving up but I'm so lucky to even be sitting on this chair, typing out my story for people to read. I'm lucky I still have more to go. 

So please.

don't take the risk.

it costs you so much.

please. stay safe.

-moon