The people didn't talk to me for that whole week, not even the teachers. Of course Nick and Martha were the exception. They stuck to me through all my tough times. I was like a ghost to everyone else though and for that I felt so bad. It stung as if my guts were falling out of me. If I had to describe it anyway but I was never asked what I thought. I was just "weird" as soon as I fell out of their normal behaviour. I was the gear turning against the machine, rotating a different way and thus making it fail to function properly. I was sitting in all the classes and just blankly stared out the window. The teachers all didn't mind it but Nick was always concerned about me since me being this quiet meant something bad was happening in my mind and hell, he was right. I was nearly at a mental breakdown but I never opened my mouth when I was near that. Only my behaviour reflected it.
Do you know the feeling of wanting to say something but you're too afraid of everyone, you yourself too, judging you for it and so you just keep quiet as if those things were a butterfly in your mouth who would, if you only opened your mouth, escape? Now picture that with a Tyrannosaurus Rex and then you have how I was feeling at that time.
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It was the Friday of that week and the last classes had just finished. I was at my locker when Nick came up to me. "Hey. You hurried out of class. Are you sure everything is alright?" Oh, how I wanted to tell him everything at that moment but I couldn't bare to give him this load. "It's nothing really." "If you say so." He knew something was up but he never forced me to talk if I didn't want to. "Does the camping trip still stand?" "Yeah." "Wanna walk home together?" "Not really. I have something to take care of." "Well see you later then" Nick and I parted ways, him having a worried look on his face as he left. I began walking to Martha's office and I was feeling that same dread I had when I came from her office to class this Monday. I weakly came into her office and sat down. She was nowhere to be seen but I just sat there. Her voice came from behind a curtain seeing as she changed her nurse uniform to her normal clothes at the end of each day. "Who's there?" "It's me Martha. I wanted to talk." "I'll be right with you sweetheart. I just have to zip up my dress. Ugh....this thing is getting too tight for me." "Do you need a hand?" "It'd be appreciated."
I know what you're thinking right now. You're a horny fuckboy who just wants to see her naked or atleast not wearing much. I wouldn't do that. It's not like she wasn't hot for her 48 years. I just didn't see us that way. We were close friends and that was it. I wasn't like those football jerks in those typical highschool movies. I was different from them. I was different from anyone at this.
I moved over to the curtain slowly and peeked behind it. Her back was turned to me as she struggled to get the zipper on her back up. "You usually wear something more discrete. Big date huh?" "Oh shush. An old lady can't have a date from time to time?" "Wasn't saying that Martha. Also you aren't that old." "So I'm just kinda old?" She chuckled as I moved closer to her. I took the zipper into my hands and pulled it up with all my might which made it jump right up. "Thanks Patrick." "It's nothing Martha. Who's the lucky guy?" "Principal McNamara." "So the big catch eh? Even though he reeks of sea salt?" "He is charming once you get to know him. He has to act that tough because otherwise you students wouldn't have respect for him." "Hey now. He's not the best guy but he's alright. Always smirks at me in the hallways when I pass him." "I think it's because he knows we're close friends, you and I. Once even asked me if I slept with you before. He's weird from times to times like that. Like you. I always find the weird or insane ones." She smiled at me but I had already drifted off at the point where Mister McNamara asked her if she slept with me before. "Patrick! Reality check." She ripped me out of my thoughts, gentler than Nick but still every time. "Yes?" I always reacted with yes as a question when I wasn't sure what people expected of me because I had drifted off into daydreams. "You're a helpless dreamer. Always chasing what's in front of you. Like Nick's ass this Monday morning, you're honestly just that determined, no matter how much you say you're not motivated and stuff like that." She gave me that smile again. "If I wasn't this young maybe we could be together. You're funny, cute and actually care about me." "Oh shut up. We both know you like me as a friend but you love Nick." I didn't say anything to that. "You need to get out of school. Don't waste more time here. Afterall, you're still young." "Have fun with Mister McSeasalt." I began walking out when she pulled me back and gave me a kiss on my right cheek. "You're a very special boy Patrick. Do the best you can and don't care about the rest okay?" "Okay...." I left her office, baffled at her kiss but what I felt now was not what I felt before. It was something different. Something that made my guts not wanna come out of me. I think it was happiness. I wandered those empty hallways for what seemed like hours before finally getting out of school. I looked at my phone. 3:27 pm. Only about half an hour I spent in there. Did time move different when you were happy? It seemed like hours I was in there. I ripped myself out of my thoughts and began walking home, that good feeling fading away slowly, not noticeable for most but I felt it. I felt it draining each second. Like if I was a wet rug hung up to dry and that feeling was the water inside me. With each passing step it got less and less till I had to focus to notice it. In the meantime I managed to get home. I quickly opened up the frontdoor, yelled a quick hello into the living room before dropping my bag in the hallway, going into my room and putting on my bad mood mix and laying face-down onto my bed. The mix was a nice mix of heavy rock and stuff about depression, Twenty One Pilots, My Chemical Romance and Panic! At The Disco were the most prominent ones. And when I say stuff about depression I mean the really old stuff. I was just laying there for a while before turning around and staring at the ceiling as if all my answers came from there. I repeated my usual sentence.
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"I'm fine."
I woke up on that Saturday morning just like I always did. Drowzy and soggy. I, like usual, walked to the bathroom and took a shower except I just stood there in that scorching water. I didn't feel anything. Just me standing there. I didn't know what time was elapsing and after a while I didn't care for the time anyway. Suddenly a knock on the door ripped me out of my non-existant thoughts. "Hey." It was Nick. "You ready for camping?" "Yeah....just give me a second to get out." I turned the faucet so the water stopped pouring on me. And then it began stinging so badly. The water had been way too hot, my skin red to the very last inch of it.
The bad part of daydreaming is that once you're in a dream you notice nearly nothing around you. Too bad that if you had pain during daydreaming and then came back from it the pain was very well still there. It fucking sucked so hard because I usually was daydreaming in the most important parts of my day, like showering with hot water. It's just a sort of escapism I guess. It helped me through many tough times too though so I kept on daydreaming even if it meant some pain from time to time.
I began gently rubbing myself dry with a towel. It still stung a little but it slowly got better and so I dressed myself in the bathroom with the clothes that were there. A baggy black shirt and some running shorts which made my ass look way bigger than it actually was. I opened up the bathroom door to Nick, who had this dumb grin he always had on his lips. Those perfect lips. If only I was more couragous.... "Are you ready?"
"Nick....how are you always so happy?" I didn't bother answering his question. "You just have to swallow up negative emotions. Don't let them come out. Even if it means numbing down your feelings to nothing because you'd be sad otherwise." I moved closer to him and clung onto him, hugging him tightly around myself. He replied to this by hugging me just as tight and after what seemed like hours of this he said: "This is getting kinda gay Patrick." I didn't let go because it felt like I would fall without him. He didn't push me off him either as I began crying into his shoulder. We just stood there and I liked it that way. Just us. The world, the school, all the people who thought I was weird and meant bad for me because of it. It all was so distant. As if, even if I had let go of him right there, they would have just vanished. I cried more and more and he gently patted my back. "It's okay Patrick." Those were the only words I heard from him all that time.
I wasn't "okay". I was broken and damaged. I was a misfit in their society. A cog in the grand scheme of things that turned against the way it was supposed to rotate and thus making the machine not function properly. Depression. ADHD. Being a fat guy. Those feelings for Nick. It felt wrong even though it was all me. Just me. I am not wrong. " You aren't. You're amazing." His voice ripped me back to reality. Without realizing it I had shouted out my last sentence. "Nick...." I was still crying. "Shh.....it's alright." He gently rubbed over the back of my head which slowly calmed me down. My tears began to fade away slowly. "I'm sorry Nick." "It's okay Patrick. Everything okay now?" He looked me straight into my eyes as I said: "Yeah...." "Are you ready for camping?" "Yeah." "Good." I let go of him and went to my room where I quickly picked up my bag. "Ready." We walked down the stairs, me in front of him as we went outside and got into his car.
