Ghungroo - The Siren Call of Lovers (#2)

Chapter 39 - Seeking Salvation

Chapter 39

"It was my mother who found me at the door spying. I thought she'd burst into the room and confront my father. But all she did was put her finger to her lips, as if to silence me. And then, she pulled the door shut. Can you believe it? She knew. The whole time...she knew. In that moment everything changed. Without me knowing it, something inside me felt...different. I...I cant explain it... 'It's our little secret'. That's what she said when she put me to bed. It was the first of many secrets after that. Everything- my family, my home, even myself and everything I thought up to that point- was a  lie. I realize that now. She's known of every affair, every woman my father has ever fucked and she's done nothing about it. Safe to say, I grew up with a warped sense of what a family should be like. I didn't realize it at the time but that incident really messed me up. A loss of innocence, in a sense...For a long time it all felt normal. I thought it was normal. Can you understand that?"

He looks at me searching for affirmation. And I can understand. I really can. I nod my head and a bit of the tension in him releases.

He's trying so hard for me to understand what his life has been like up to this point. And I get it. Laying it all out like this can't be easy, and yet he's finding it necessary to tell me.

There's a need in him to go on.

"I fucked my way through most of school and then all through university."

That revelation makes me cringe somewhat. Not at anything he's said, but at my own memory of pining for him while he was a university student. My own days of longing for him, wishing he'd see me.

I snap out of my own thoughts.

"I used women. Women used me. It was one big game and I'm ashamed to say that I loved it. The world was at my feet. My father's money got me things I never imagined. My own wealth now, does that for me. But somewhere along the way it started feeling wrong. There must be more to life, right?"

He looks at me, his eyes lit, as if seeking an answer.

" I lost my virginity at the age of fifteen...to one of my father's mistresses. How fucked up is that? We fucked one afternoon in a closet at some family charity event. Yeah, not the best memory I have of my first time. It was exciting at the time, but so fucked up."

He barks out a laugh. It's a new sound on his lips and catches me off guard. I'm not used to the cynical, emotional Riaan. This side of him is new to me.

"She left later that evening with my father. Probably fucked him too that night. And I never blinked twice at how pathetic and sick that was. I was riding the wave. For so long, I felt like I was on top of the world. Until I met Rahul...and you."

He looks at me as if seeing me for the first time since he started talking. I mean, really seeing me. His eyes are so intense I want to look away from him but I don't. I want him to know that I'm here and that I  understand everything he has said now.

And I do. Really, I do.

"So here I am Layla, a fucked up, worthless piece of nothing. I wish I could change the things I've done. I wish things were different, but they're not. This is who I am. So screwed up I don't know if I could ever come back from it."

He swallows hard, the ball in his throat moving up and down as he does so.

"How can I trust myself to not disappoint you? How do I make good when all I've known is how to be bad?"

Gosh, he's looking at me like I have all the answers. Like I can save him. And, I can't. Only he do that. I hope he knows that.

At last I reach out to him and lightly grasp his hand. I can finally understand the things he's done in his life. He's had a poor example of what a real man should be like. He has lived a warped sense of reality. A father that constantly cheated and a mother that literally supported it. Not the best of upbringings. Riaan might have had the luxury of wealth to lean on, but his family life was lacking.

I feel sorry for him. Does he want me to feel sorry for him? Not likely. It isn't Riaan's style to hanker after sympathy.

But I can't help it. I picture a lonely boy on the brink of puberty having his world shaken by the sins of his father. That must have been awful. At a time when most of your mature thoughts start forming, to have faced such truths could not have been easy.

God, I used to cringe at the mere thought of my parents having sex and here he was, a young boy having witnessed first hand his father's infidelity.

No wonder he feels so messed up.

I guess life isn't perfect for everyone. Everyone has their problems, even rich people. At least I had parents that doted on me, that gave me a warm, safe home to thrive and grow in. Riaan didn't have that.

I want to tell him that he isn't bad, that none of it was his fault. Yes, some of the things he's gotten himself entangled in, isn't exactly normal by 'average' standards, but I can understand now how it all unfolded. How his thought processes have worked to lead him to this point. I can understand how he could doubt himself and think that he may never have the things that a 'normal' relationship should have.

And what is a normal relationship really, but an idealized perception of what two people in love should be like? There is no measure for these things, no recipe to follow on how things should work. All it takes is two people with understanding, commitment and truth.

I want to tell him all of this but I don't know how to begin without messing it up. How do I tell him that he isn't bad, that his past does not repulse me, that I love him, flaws and all?

So I show him. I slide off my seat and go over to him. I climb onto his lap and straddle his hip. I wrap my arms around him, engulfing him in an open embrace. I kiss him gently, lightly biting his bottom lip and nipping at his jawline.

His eyes are lit, moist even, although he sheds no tears. That must have been hard for him to get through. Baring his soul to me.

So he's slept with a few women...Okay, a lot of women. He's used women for sex. I can live with that. Now that I know how it all played out, I can understand it.

And, I still love him.

I love him. I love Riaan. Everything about him, as he is before me now, I love. Flaws and all!

So I show him with my mouth and my tongue and my eyes and my hands.

Will he let me down? I have no idea. But I can't live wondering about what could have been because I was too afraid to even try. He is here now, acknowledging his faults, wanting to make good and make me understand. If I left now, I will always be wondering about what could have been.

Every relationship comes with risk. Even the good ones. There is no promise of tomorrow. And if you're not willing to gamble on life, to wear your heart on your sleeve, then you will never really know if it was meant to be. It's a risk you take and I'm willing to see how far this thing between us, can take us.

I hear him exhale. A sort of pent up hiss that releases from his body. Did my opinion really mean that much to him?

It soothes me to know that he values what I think of him. That my reaction to what he's just said means so much.

I wrap my arms around him tighter. This vulnerable, unsure man in front of me is something I never thought I'd see in Riaan.

"I love you."

I say it because I mean it.

I feel a light shiver go through him. I close my eyes, committing this moment to memory. It is by far the most tender and intimate moment I've shared with anyone in my life.

I burn it to memory. At least if all else fails, I will have this moment to reflect on always.

I just hope it lasts. What I wouldn't do to have this forever.

Riaan's in my arms, and me in his.

I can not explain it.

It just feels right.

Have a lovely weekend❤️