caden

letter 6

dear caden,

i sat on my back porch for three hours today just thinking about that damn phone call. my brain keeps trying to make me move on but my heart is telling me that i'm just being stubborn and fuck caden, everything is just a blur when it comes to you.

it's like one second i'm looking at my reflection on the crystal clear pond at the edge of my backyard and everything is clear. but the second you cross my mind a tear rolls down my cheek and distorts the god damn water and everything is a mess again.

the sun was piercing my skin and i knew i was getting a sunburn but nothing stings as much as the thought of us so i sat there and let myself burn.

i kind of regret it now because i can barely lie down without flinching but i can't find it in me to give a shit about physical pain when the tugging inside my heart is so intense. and caden it's all your fault.

and the fact that it isn't really your fault hurts like hell, because despite what my brain wants to make me believe, my heart knows that i'm just as much to blame.

i feel like an idiot because all i wanted was for you to come back so i could fucking breathe and now that you're willing to i can't make myself accept it.

and i can't even stop myself from visualizing the galaxies behind your eyelids, because god fucking dammit caden, your irises were always glowing. it's like every damn time i look up at the sky, the stars are mocking me, shaping themselves into linked pinkies and i just can't do it anymore.

it feels like my subconscious wants me to suffer and i have no idea how to stop it caden. i wish i could control it but i can't and it's killing me.

god fucking dammit i can't- i just can't keep doing this. i want so badly to listen to what you have to say but i can't and i just want to scream into a void and disappear with my fading voice.

yours (i'm so terribly sorry),

piper

dedicated to summer because i feel like i haven't dedicated anything to her in forever and she's a pretty petal that deserves endless dedications ily