Count The Stars

twenty-five

        "Please talk to me, mate. I'm sorry. I just... I was scared, alright? So I told Grace. I know that was a dick move and I'm an absolute piece of shit. Please, Adam. I need you," I said into my phone for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

        He hadn't responded once. He read all the texts I sent him— I could see that— but he never answered a call or responded, and I was beginning to get worried.

        The night after the game, I cried into my pillow until my eyes stung and I didn't have the strength to open them. I started texting him the second I woke up and didn't stop until I realised he wasn't even reading anything I sent anymore. It was mostly misspelled apologies and word vomit of whatever came to mind, but it still made me nervous he hadn't even opened them.

        he could be crying

        he could be hurting himself

        he could be dead

        Everything that could have possibly happened to my him sped through my mind on a loop, each terrible scenario slowly digging its way deeper into my brain until I couldn't think of anything else and I wasn't sure I ever would be able to. I sat staring at my wall for hours, letting myself fall into a trance that I felt like I'd never escape from. I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking and I couldn't stop. I gave up trying after an hour or two and decided staring at the blank wall and not feeling anything at all was better than being conscious and feeling everything.

        I stayed like that for hours on end, until 2:00 in the morning, when my phone buzzed and snapped me awake.

To: Lij
I'm only doing this because you gave me a chance to explain before

To: Lij
Five minutes

        A wave of relief washed over me as I read and reread the texts over and over, the fear of something happening to Adam becoming nearly nonexistent, unlike the guilt still building in my system. I threw on a jumper and some random basketball shorts from my floor before jumping out my window and sprinting as fast as I could to the pool, not even caring that I'd left my phone on my bed and my window cracked open. I hadn't thought about what I was going to say, but for once I felt like I didn't need to plan it out. All I knew was that I needed to make this right, and I was sure the messy apology that probably would come out wasn't going to be perfect, but it would be good enough, because it would be coming from the heart, raw and filled with every emotion I felt.

        The normal ten minute jog turned into a three minute sprint as I arrived at the pool and slid down without stumbling, something I'd gotten quite good at. Something I really didn't want to stop doing. I landed perfectly on the pool tile, the sound of my trainers slapping the floor echoing around the circle and causing Adam to jump a bit.

        "Hi," I said, radiating nonchalance in hopes to calm the situation a bit.

        He already looked bored with his headphones glued in his ears and his almond eyes glaring daggers at me. I decided my confidence tactic wasn't working too well.

        "Look," I said, taking a step closer to where he was sitting criss cross on the ground, "I had no right to tell Grace."

        He nodded.

        "And I know that I should've just kept it to myself. But... you have to understand. I was scared."

        His eyes widened in fake shock. "You? Scared of something? No way."