Count The Stars

thirty-six

"Would you hate me if I liked guys?"

I asked Blake that sort of out of the blue in the locker room after everyone had left. It was only a day after Adam and James met me at the pool and I was confused, to say the least. We hadn't brought up the kiss. We were in this weird place where we'd talk like normal friends, but his arm would be slung around my shoulder or I'd lean my head against his chest and he'd twist his fingers through the short waves and curls of my blond hair subconsciously. It was never mentioned, it was just sort of a thing.

I also wasn't completely sure if he was just being friendly, or if he really liked me. It was a weird thing to think about, really. I knew he kissed me, but for some reason I couldn't convince myself he meant it. Why on earth would he like me the way that I like him? That was what I couldn't wrap my mind around. Adam Chang— the guy with the most perfect eyes and laugh and smile and everything, the one who could get anybody he wants— fancying me? I was just a skinny little football kid with anxiety.

But he told me that wasn't all I was. He saw me as more than just my anxiety. I was beginning to see how, but that didn't mean I believed it.

"You with your mate Adam, then?" Blake snorted, not sounding as surprised as I thought. I suddenly felt self-conscious. I also sort of regretted telling Blake we'd kissed, but he hadn't said anything about me or Adam since. Still, I was rebuilding trust very, very slowly.

"I never said that," I shot back, "I'm just stating a hypothetical. If I fancied a guy, would you not want to be friends with me?"

He rolled his eyes. "I learned my lesson, Eli. I'm a shit person without you. I wouldn't give up everything we just got back just because you fancy dick."

"I never said I like... that. It's a hypothetical," I snapped, to which he chuckled.

"Alright, mate. Hypothetically, I wouldn't hate you." He smiled and pushed my arm. "Plus, my sister's a lesbian"

"Oh, right. Cheers," I said, the awkwardness finally settling in and a wave of embarrassment threatening to knock me off my feet. I was very ready to change the subject, but if I knew Blake, he didn't have a filter strong enough to hold back the inevitable interrogation.

"So," he started, "you like what's-his-name?"

"Adam."

"You didn't deny it."

I rolled my eyes and shoved my stuff in my bag, suddenly moving a lot quicker. "Piss off."

"Does Grace know you like him?"

"I think so," I blurted out without thinking. From the bench beside me, Blake grinned from ear to ear. "I'm going to kick your ass," I threatened, jabbing my finger into his chest and making my voice an octave lower than normal.

He pushed me back, the annoying grin on his face only growing. "So when did you know?"

"I'm not doing this with you."

"We used to always talk about stuff like this. Do you remember that one sleepover when we were thirteen right after we got on that one football club together? Y'know... Scotty Brown?" he asked. We used to have sleepovers every weekend where we'd play video games or football or whatever we wanted until we crashed sometime in the very early morning.

I fell silent when he mentioned that night. I guess I'd blocked it out of my memory or something, because up until he mentioned it, I never really thought about it. But now that he said it, I could vividly remember laying in his bed with the blanket up to our necks. I stared at his ceiling and listened to him talk about how excited he was to get on that club with me, and how fun it would be making new friends. I wasn't really listening, though. I had other things on my mind.

Scotty Brown was fourteen at the time. A whole year older than me. He had these perfect coils of black hair that would stick to his brown face which was dotted with freckles and acne. He was a lot bigger than me, especially since he was in year ten. I was envious of his muscular arms and legs and how toned his bronze chest was. I said all of this to Blake one night after we'd first joined the club. I told him all about what I was so jealous of and how cool I thought Scotty was.

"You sound like you fancy him," Blake had replied.

I laughed the comment off, but he didn't laugh with me. He looked me dead in the eye and said: "Eli, you think Scotty's hot, don't you?"

"I do not," I snapped back. Blake had just shrugged and went back to talking about football, but for the rest of the season I couldn't get it out of my head. I never spoke to Scotty unless I had to, but I realised that I really wanted to make friends with him. I watched him taking with some other boys on the team and suppressed the jealousy that always sort of bubbled up in my stomach.

I shook the memory out of my head.

"Holy shit," I said, staring at Blake who was waiting patiently for me to catch on. I leaned against the locker door and tried to wrap my mind around all of it. "You've always known."

"I sort of thought you had come to terms with the whole Scotty thing. I didn't know you still thought you were straight," he chuckled. I punched his shoulder playfully, but I was still sort of shocked. I really had always put the thought of liking guys in the back of my mind, hoping it would never come up again. But there was no pushing Adam away now.

I didn't want to, anyways.

"Since November, I guess," I finally answered. He slapped another grin on his face as I tried (and failed) to hold back the blush that was creeping onto my cheeks.

"This is brilliant," he told me.

I knew the questions would never end, but I didn't really mind at that point. Blake didn't care— in fact, he was happy for me. The hardest bit was over.

Or, at least, that's what I thought.

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bros

ok so there's VERY FEW CHAPTERS LEFT like a very tiny bit and I'm extremely anxious to get them out so expect maybe an upload before next weekend :)))

~Teddy