the end of the fucking world; season 2

four; james

I've been here, in this hospital room, for what I would assume is a few days now. There's a clock in the corner of the room, but it stopped working around - maybe? - a day ago, which renders it all entirely useless. So instead of watching the hands of the clock move slowly, and listening to the gentle ticking noise it makes, I'm now forced to stare out of the window and 'people watch'.

Today, my chest feels fine enough that I can push myself weakly up off the bed and drag the stand that holds my IV bag over to the small sofa in front of the window to look out, rather than looking over from my bed as I have been doing. I see men rushing too and from work, their hands clutching at cups of coffee while they wind through the crowds. I see patients standing outside in their hospital gowns, taking a break to smoke a cigarette. I watch them all, completely clueless to what is going on in their lives.

It suddenly dawns on me how many people came across Alyssa and I, and how maybe they thought we were just two normal teens, and how they didn't know what we'd been through... what we'd done.

What I'd done.

Behind me, the door swings open and I hear footsteps. Probably a nurse. I feel an arm on my shoulder and hear a soft feminine voice.

"I'm going to change out your IV if that's alright, James."

"Okay," I say. I say that a lot. I think that annoyed Alyssa.

When the nurse is finished doing whatever she's doing, I go back to gazing out the window. My eyes light up as I spot a young teenage girl, around my own age, with a freckled face and bobbed blond hair. I know it's not Alyssa, it doesn't really look anything like her, but I can at least pretend. Pretend for a second that it is her, going about her life like a normal person once again, not worrying about me, not in pain.

I know at some point I will have to face the consequences for my actions, but I can only be glad I'll be charged for the murder of Dr Koch and not Alyssa.

My blood runs cold at the thought of it. What has happened to me, I wonder. Before we ran away, I was merciless. I was convinced I would be able to kill someone without any second thoughts, any guilt. And maybe I would have been able to, if it were someone else, if it weren't her.

I feel something different for her, something I've never felt before, I just don't know what it is.

Time passes. Minutes? Hours? It's dark now, when I hear the door open again and loud footsteps crossing the room to reach me.

"Ah, James, I see you're feeling much better today," the warm voice of Dr Goodman says.

"Yes," I reply simply. I mean, I've always been a man of few words.

Dr Goodman walks around the sofa and takes a seat next to me. I turn my head to study him. He's an older man, with not much hair left, and kind eyes. He smiles at me cheerily, and I stare back blankly.

"I want to talk to you about something, James, if that's alright with you."

"Yes," I repeat.

"Your dad is back again today, and I've spoken to him James, and now I understand your money situation. Your dad can't afford to pay for a lawyer to help you. You know what a lawyer does, yes?" He says, not looking at me but instead gazing out the window, towards the horizon.

"Yes," I say once more. I'm not sure what age he thinks I am. Of course I know what a lawyer does. And of course I know my father won't be able to afford one. And of course I know I don't have any chance of winning in court and of course I know I will never see Alyssa again, or at least not how I used to see her. I won't feel her.

"Professor Clive Kock was a vile man James," Dr Goodman says, before turning his head to look deep into my eyes. He pauses, swallowing hard and knitting his eyebrows together. Is he angry? Sad? I can't tell. "He raped my daughter."

"Oh," I say. I know I must sound emotionless. Maybe I am. I'm not really sure what you would call me, honestly. "Okay."

"Of course it was never proven, but I believe her. I know he did it." He turns his attention back to the sky and fiddles with his fingernails. "Jessie was never the same after that."

I look down at my feet and imagine a world where I hadn't jumped out from under the bed to save Alyssa from Clive Koch. What would have become of her? Us?

"She just couldn't get over it. Not that you can blame her, of course. She took her own life, two months after Koch was found not guilty." Dr Goodman says, swallowing hard yet again. He blinks a few times, and I can only assume he's trying his hardest to hold back tears. And then he looks at me again, and he says, "I miss her terribly, and I want to do something for you, but only if you agree to see your father."

I raise one eyebrow at him. "Why?" I ask simply.

"Because I would give anything to see Jessica one more time," he says, breathing heavily. "James, if you agree to speak to your dad tonight, I'll buy you the best lawyer money can buy. Professor Clive Koch deserved to die, and I believe you. I believe that you were only trying to defend Alyssa. I know you were."

I consider the options in my head for a moment. I know Alyssa would be so upset with me if I didn't take this opportunity, and I suppose if I agreed to see my dad it wouldn't be so bad. I could ask him to stop coming round here everyday. It's beginning to annoy me greatly.

"Alright," I agree. "Okay."