She's So Gone

Chapter 5

"Mom, someone's here that would like to say hi to you!"

"You're kidding me?  Jake Herring?!  How long has it been?"

I smiled as my mother's face lit up with happiness as she saw her only daughter's best friend walk up to her.

"Too long," he reminded her with a smile just as big as hers.

I took in the frail sight of her too thin body in the makeshift hospital room in our living room, we wanted her to be more comfortable so she decided on taking chemo pills and then if that didn't work, the doctors were going to start her on an aggressive method interchanging both chemo and radiation.  I just hoped the chemo worked.

"Don't just stand there, give me a hug!" she proclaimed, motioning him towards her with her hands.

He leaned in and gave her a hug that was no where near the bone crushing, amazing hugs that he gave me, which I was thankful for because I wasn't sure her body could handle a hug like that.

"Sit, sit.  Tell me what you've been up to!"

And so he did.  We sat down on our faded dark blue couch and he told us all about what he'd been up to since we'd moved away to New York. 

"I got into an advanced placement math course that will help me with the college that I'm trying to get into, and I also have been religiously devoting my time to football as well," he told us and I could practically see my mother's eyes shining with both pride and happiness for him.

"And how are your parents doing?  You should invite them over for dinner sometime!"

At the mention of his parents, his eyes grew stormy and haunted and it was like someone turned off a switch in his beautiful blue eyes.

"They uh, actually got a divorce a few months after you guys left.  My mom got together with another man and they're about to be getting married.  My dad moved out of state so I hardly even talk to him anymore."

"Oh Jake, I am so sorry.  Forget I even brought it up!  Now, what about your love life?  Anyone new I should know about who's taking my girl's best friend from her?" she teased.

"Mom!" I whined at her.

She just rolled her eyes at me and smiled her traitorously sneaky smile, like she was doing this on purpose to embarrass me.

"Actually, I've just asked Caroline to be my girlfriend today.  I regret not doing so before she left but it was never the right time, and now that she's back I'm not letting her go," he said and I wanted to melt at his words.  Looking at my mother's face and the hand across her heart with a wistful look cascading through her delicate features, I realized that she was melting just the same as I was.

"Well, I trust my baby girl is in good hands?  While I might not be able to threaten you, her daddy is just a few rooms away and won't hesitate to do so," she said to him, a smile trying to peek its way through her faux stern looking face.

I took in her appearance, the light blonde hair falling out in patches at the root, the dark circles under her light eyes and I realized for the first time in a while there was a glow to her hollowing cheeks that I hadn't seen since before she had gotten sick.

"Oh absolutely.  I won't give you a reason to need to threaten me, promise," he said, the stern look on his face not nearly as fake as my mother's.  I could tell that he was being very serious about what he had just said about me and it made me feel...special.

"Alright well don't let me rain on your parade.  Go on up to her room, I know you two are dying for some alone time.  Especially after waiting so long on her," she said knowingly while shooting a wink at Jake.

"Mother!" I warned her, letting her know just how much she was embarrassing me.

"Oh hush, I was your age not too long ago, I understand urges!"

Cue my father.

"And once I hear the word 'urges' is when I step in.  Jake, nice to see you again.  The door will remain open at all times, understood?"

"Hello Mr. Rogers, how are you?"

"Fine, if you say you understand what I just said."

My dad's dark eyebrows shot up in warning and I swore I could see Jake gulp in fear beside me.  And then his dark brown eyes crinkled in warmth and laughter and I rolled my eyes at my dad's antics.

"And that's our cue to leave," I told him, grabbing Jake by the arm as I peeked back at my dad who was leaning down to kiss my mom on the forehead, his salt and pepper hair falling into her face as he did so.

They loved each other so much, even in the worst of times.  That was what I wanted for my life, a partner to share it with.  All of it, everything good, bad, horrible, worse, and everything amazing, beautiful, joyous and perfect.  I really hoped I could find that person, and that I could wipe out all of the traumatic events in my life with everything good that I could hopefully find someone to help me. 

It made me feel a bit off about using Jake to help me forget about my pain, but if I was truly trying to be happy with him and put in an effort with him then was it really a lie?

It concerned me that he basically just gave up on our friendship and connection just because I was moving away and because he thought I was mad at him, it did raise some red flags about how much he actually wanted to be with me, but I figured if he cared enough to ask me to be his girlfriend and proclaim his feelings for me in front of my sick mother then he couldn't be faking it...I hoped. 

How was it so easy for him to dismiss me and let me go without a fight?  Would he be someone who stood with me in the face of adversity, or would he just tuck tail and run?

If I was going to have someone that was going to have my back through and through and help me through my pain, then I needed to make sure that Jake was going to be that person, and if not then we didn't need to waste our time being together if it wasn't going to go anywhere...

But I so desperately wanted to be with him and for him to help heal me that I might have been able to overlook certain flaws just to stay with him, just to satiate my heart's desire for him and my soul's desire to finally be complete again.  But did that override my head's words telling me to be careful with my heart, to guard it just in case he hurt me like everyone else in my life seemed to do so easily?

What did it say about me that I was willing to hand over my heart so willingly to someone who could break it in half with a snap of his fingers, just as I had done so quickly before?

I didn't want to guard my heart with him though, no matter how loud my head was screaming at me to hold back and put my guards up. 

If I was to heal from this, then I had to be all in, I had to put all of my emotions, well, almost all of them, out in the open and to be vulnerable for it to work.

 I'd had my walls up for so long that I was tired of them being there and I just wanted someone who would protect me from all the bad shit that had happened to me in the past, and all of the bad shit that would inevitably come in the future.

I was only terrified that if he found out that I was damaged goods, and just how damaged those goods actually were, that he would never look at me the same way again.

I knew I didn't.