Words Unspoken

Spoken Word - Almost Love

7/6/18
Title: Almost Love

Every girl acts like when her heart is broken, the world ends.
And maybe it does. It all depends how much effort, time, energy, love, was spent building the feelings that she now has to come to terms with, with the fact that they no longer have a place feeling like that, for that someone. And it sucks, it really does, because for what seems like a lifetime, you'll never be able to kick the thoughts of them, out of your head. But honey, my mother has always told me, she's told me time after time; that every person, from every place, of every race has a home in someones heart, and maybe it's in yours. Sweetheart, they're going to leave, and it's going to hurt, and you're going to want to punch them and kiss them at the same time, but honey, everyone that has ever wanted something to last forever, hasn't met the forever they're still pining over; because they've already had it. Every moment encompasses a lifetime of memories, forever could be taking place in this very moment in time as you read this, because forever is a moment, not a timeless fairytale. Because the boyfriend that you love now, in ten years from now, they could be stuffed in some small nook of your brain and completely forgotten about, sweetheart, time only feels like forever right now, because our lives have been too short. Because nothing lasts for the fairytale version of forever, not unless you're dead or dreaming, and even then dreams come to an end.

Everyone thinks that getting over a relationship means forgetting how they made you feel, forgetting what you did together, and for a time, regretting what you didn't do together. But it's the acceptance that has to happen, that it's over, and as much as that thought gives you the least amount of solace, it's the only thought that you have to come to terms with. It won't matter how much you can understand, explain, even talk about that, what's done is done, that, it's over. Because I could explain it too you in tremendous detail, it doesn't mean that I'm not crying, because I know I'm still hurting, and in that moment I won't understand; I won't understand why I'm crying when I've acknowledged that what we had, we don't have. And you'll feel like you need a reason, you'll need the reason why what you had is gone. But the thing is, knowing the reason why you weren't what they wanted, that won't make it better, it won't fix anything. Because knowing that you weren't pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough, those things won't matter, because what you didn't think would happen, stared you in the face as it spoon fed you self-doubt.

When it ended, I kept my head with you, and even I was surprised. Because I didn't think that I could deceive you into thinking that I wasn't typing through tear-filled eyes and watered down cheeks. But I did, because it took less than two minutes, for me to start crying, and three minutes later I was telling my best friend. The first thing that she told me, was that if I didn't feel like my world was collapsing and I felt like I couldn't breath without you, that if I didn't feel like that; what we had wasn't love. And for a moment I felt like everything I had ever felt had been invalidated. But she went on to tell me that honey, while what we had wasn't love, you didn't have to love him to like him. And two months latter, I was still thinking about those words in the shower. Because a "like" more often than not, turns into a love at some point. Sweetie, I might not have loved you then, and you might not love me now; but that won't mean that I didn't like you any less. And it will be stupid things that will make you think of them, what they drink, their favorite sweet, and for a while, if will feel like when you see those things, the world is rubbing it in your face that it's over. And it's going to seriously, majorly suck; big time.

But did you catch the head fake?
Ladies, this isn't just for you, because let me tell you, there are some amazing guys out there, who are humble and kind, quirky and cute, comforting and strong. And they're going to feel it too, they're going to feel like the world has tipped on its axis, because it might not seem like it, but they feel it too. They might just be better at hiding it. Because I can tell you, the first time we saw each other again I wanted to run out onto the high wire and hug him, because he still broke out in a smile, his eyes still softened around the edges, his posture still relaxed. And in that moment it's hard to know if you feel angry or relieved that they said it was over, but their body still reacts just like it used to. And you'll get distraught and want to slap them for telling you it was over when they so clearly don't act like it is; but at the same time, you'll still want to kiss him breathless because everything his body just said, means he still cares.

But lets not tell our friends that they could get anyone they wanted, because that's like saying that what they had wasn't real, from the minute it began, to the moment it ended. Because that person that your friend was so invested in, they're exactly what your friend needed at that point in their life. Like I said, forever is a bunch of bits and pieces, not an everlasting fairytale. And even thinking that thought will make you feel worse, because then it feels like everything up to that point was just a phase, nothing else.

But my mother told me that the man she was in a relationship with who talked about marrying her, the man she thought she was going to marry; she's not married to him now. Maybe it was because she wasn't ready yet, but when he proposed, she said no. He was a lovely man she told me, but he just wasn't who I was waiting for. But she also told me that they're still friends. When relationships end, feelings don't just crash and burn. Because honey, the older you get, the more often you'll stay friends with old lovers because even if you're not intimate anymore, sometimes they're just good to have as people, even if it will hurt for a while.

And that's why the greatest gift has always been time, because you will hurt today and tomorrow, a week from now, months from now, maybe even years. But time, time is the remedy for every pain. So maybe it will hurt for a long time, but while it does all I ask that you make decisions that years down the line, you won't regret. And love, you'll always want to know the reasons why, but some might not be as simple as they seem so come to terms with yourself, find solace in remembering memories with fondness, and thinking back on them with warmth. You never had to love them, you just had to like them.

You just had to like the thought of us.
The feeling of us.
To have pride in us.

But never forget that, that like was close to becoming a love, and nothing you could have said would have ever stopped this from hurting, stopped me from crying. And I still have time, so I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that you weren't lying when you said you no longer felt the figurative spark between us anymore. Because in that moment, I wasn't angry, sad, lost, distraught, I was hurt, I still am, because love, you were the first person I have let in, in years. You're the first person I have cried in front of in years. You're the first person outside of a single one, who I let touch me in years. You were the first person who, when I looked at you, and your gaze would flicker to my lips, you were the first person who I begged to kiss me senseless. And I get it if we moved too fast and you got scared, if your parents got involved, if they interfered and told you, you couldn't, if I got too insecure. And I wish you would tell me, because I never got angry, I never have, and I'm still not. I'm just a little confused, a little hurt, but I'll learn, even if I don't want to, I have to, because I owe that much to you.

All because my like for you, was close to a love.