Many Words In Silence

Chapter 20

Night had already taken over the sky and the stars started gleaming when we drove into Lucy's driveway.

"I just need to get something, and then I will take you to Sam," Lucy said as she pulled up to her garage door.

"Sam doesn't want to see me," I mutter, looking down to my feet. Although there was nothing I would have liked more than to tell Sam I had sex with someone else and actually don't feel guilty, I also knew that the man in his life would probably chase me away.

"Oh, don't sit there and pity yourself. You are so pathetic sometimes Elijah," Lucy said as she slammed the car door, leaving me with my own thoughts.

On the drive back we had barely said a word to one another. I didn't ask and she did not offer up any information about what had been said at Llaluna's. I was still trying to comprehend the idea of Lucy being Blake and Fynn's sister, but somehow even that did not feel real to me at all. I tried to imagine that the baby Lucy had lost might have been a little Blake. I could have in a way had a little bit of him back, even if I had to help raise his and tell him about the letters that Blake used to write to me. I could have bought him his own guitar. I could have maybe even gone for a course or two and help him write songs like the once Blake sang to me. It would have in a way made everything better, but here we were... In a way it almost felt like I was losing Blake all over again. The chance of having a small piece of him back and then losing him before I even got to meet him.

And then there was Timothy and Fynn. I had to admit that I was crazy about Timothy. Maybe for all the wrong reasons. Maybe I liked him because there was something in him that made me think of myself in a way? Or was it because he wanted to be with me the way that Blake wanted to be with me? It was impossible not to wonder if he had food to eat, a roof over his head, and to wonder where he was going tomorrow. I should have had Lucy help me track him down. I should have made a bigger effort to find him than just going to the coffee shop. I could have stayed another day, maybe even waited at the coffee shop until he arrived for his shift. There was so much more that I could have done, but as usual my fear of loving someone was standing in the way. In the past decade the only two people I have allowed near me was Lucy and Sam, and that wasn't saying much at all. Even my agent called me a mysterious enigma that he could not begin to figure out. I have never seen myself as an enigma. Secretive maybe, but not mysterious. I have always just been me, too scared to talk to the world, but somehow it seems like there are many words in my silence.

"Are you ready to see your daddy?" Lucy asks as she climbs back into the car. I try to see if there is anything in her hands, maybe something she needed, but I don't see anything at all.

"Don't make it sound dirty," I say, and for the first time today a small smile grazes over my face.

This has been a usual thing for Lucy to do through the years. Making sexual connotations between Sam and I. She finds it funny. I find it awkward.

"Just because you would like to screw a teacher doesn't mean I want too," I say for good measure. "Especially not the teacher who took me in and raised me as if I was his own son."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I still think you should have done him before Michael came into the picture. He probably took you in because he was hoping for something," Lucy said with a grin as she pulled out of the driveway.

"Or maybe he took me in because he just really wanted to help a child in need," I answer. I like this bantering, even if it is at Sam's expense. "He was hot though. Have I told you that he used to have an entire closet full of band t-shirts and skinny jeans? He was legit emo when he was a kid. I have even seen some photos."