Accidentally on Purpose

Chapter Forty-Three

I got into the car quietly, still rubbing my aching temples as I leaned back into the passenger seat. I didn't have to look at my dad to know that he was frowning at me as he started up the car.

My dad was quiet, so I didn't say anything either. He was the one who made me let him drive me to school—though I agreed anyway—so if anyone was to speak first, it wouldn't be me. My logic was highly immature, but I didn't care. I even folded my arms in front of my chest like I'd always done when Mom banned me from consuming another candy due to my "unstoppable energy".

What made my mood worse was the fact that another nightmare had kept me up all night. I'd refrained from calling Jonah in the middle of the night like I always did—I'd finally realized that I was too selfish that I robbed him of his much needed sleep almost every night now—so I spent the whole night trying not to fall asleep and trying to calm myself down when I did fall asleep and have another nightmare.

"Are you alright?" Dad finally murmured once we were halfway through the ride.

"Yeah," I muttered back.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him swallow. "Hannah, your mom and I are sorry. It's not that we don't see that you're hurting."

"It's fine. I understand," I said blankly. It was not fine and I still didn't understand, but I had a feeling that talking about this with Dad would only end up going in circles, like it always did. I didn't even want to bother trying anymore.

"Do you really?" he asked, glancing at me for a while.

"What's there to talk about, right?" I retorted, using the sentence that he had always used whenever I tried to bring it up. "You don't even have to worry anymore. I'm not gonna talk about it."

"I know you're mad at me."

"I am," I said. "I just need someone to blame. I'm sorry. I'll get over it once this is all over. You know I always do."

He pleaded, "Just come back to dinner with us, alright?"

I shrugged. "It's kind of hard to look at you two during these days, but I'll try."

Dad sighed, "Hannah, we were trying to tell you that—"

"No," I cut him off, all the fight in me finally dying out. "It's alright. You guys don't wanna talk about it., so I won't," I finally said, my voice slightly coming out like a sneer. "I'm never bringing it up anymore, if that makes you guys happy."

"Hannah—"

"It's what you've wanted for years, isn't it? For me to finally shut up?" I said quietly.

"You really don't want to hear what I have to say?" he tried, and I shook my head no. He slowly pulled up in front of the school building. He closed his eyes for a while, and I unbuckled my seatbelt.

"Dad?" He opened his eyes to look at me with sad eyes. "What did he ever do to you and mom?"

His eyes crinkled with grief, the one I hadn't seen in so long, the one he had always covered with happy smiles and joyful laughter, and I felt tears slowly building up in my own eyes. He shook his head. "He didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why—" I cut myself off with a sigh and slowly got out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

As I closed the door, he softly called out, "I love you, honey."

I gave him a tired smile. "Yeah."

I thought that my mood would slightly get better once I got into school and saw Jonah, but instead, I found him standing in front of my locker with a look on his face that I couldn't decipher. It wasn't a good one, though, and I had a hunch that his mood was no better than mine.