Accidentally on Purpose

Chapter Fifty-Seven

My words jolted Jonah out of whatever kind of stupor he was in. His eyes, wide and alert, stared into mine, and I slowly loosened the hold I had on his shoulders.

"But how is it possible?" he wondered out loud, his voice nothing more than a whisper, laced with confusion and uncertainty. "I saw it happen. I remember it happening in front of my eyes."

"Did you feel it, Jonah?" I asked him gently. "Did you feel the crash? The pain that came after?"

He closed his eyes as if he was trying to remember. "I can't—I don't remember..."

"That's because you never felt it," I told him. "You were there, but you weren't in it."

He ran both of his hands through his hair as he tried to remember, his eyes closed in concentration.

"Do you remember now?" I asked, still trying to be as gentle as possible, seeing the lost look on his face. "Alright. This is what really happened: I was in a fight with my brother in the car and I lost control of the wheel. I crashed into the tree right in front of you," I explained. "My brother—he believes that you were the one who called an ambulance for us. And I believe that too. If you were actually there, you must've called for help. Otherwise, we'd both died that night."

Jonah heard me, but he kept shaking his head.

"And I don't know why you believed that you had hurt us—that you had hurt me. You never did, Jonah," I said, wiping my cheeks with the palm of my hands. "You did the exact opposite. You saved me, I could've died but I didn't and it's because of you."

I tried to touch him, but he withdrew. "This is too much," he muttered to himself. "Why can't I remember anything?" He turned to me. "Is that what really happened?" he asked. "Did you know about this before? Have you already known that I wasn't—that it wasn't me?"

"What? No, of course not," I rushed, shaking my head.

He seemed to ignore that I was talking. "What else do you have hidden from me? Fuck, and here I thought I was the one with secrets," he muttered to himself.

"Jonah," I said, stopping his rambling, "if I had known before, I would've told you. I wouldn't have blamed you. I just found out—I hadn't seen my brother since the accident until recently and—and when you told me you were in the other car, I believed you because there was nothing else I could believe.

"And I'm sorry—I'm sorry for shutting you out. I'm sorry for blaming things on you when you had never even done anything wrong at all. I'm sorry that I've been so unfair to you. God, Jonah, I'm so sorry for everything."

Jonah was breathing hard, and slowly, he nodded at me. "You don't need to apologize to me," he said after a while. But then he turned around and said, "I need to—I really need to go home."

I followed him suit. "Wait, Jonah!"

He stopped to say, "I need to think about it." He let out a breath, not once looking directly at me. "I hope you don't mind."

I closed my eyes and bit my lip before letting out a resigned sigh. I nodded at him—after all, he already gave me time when I asked him for it. It shouldn't hurt to do the same for him. "Okay," I said softly. "I don't mind at all."

Before he started to leave, I asked him, "Are you mad at me now?"

He looked at me for a while, but then quickly averted his eyes. Then I watched as he unzipped his bag, took out something from it, and then tossed it right at me. I caught it, barely. "I don't think I need it anymore," he said quietly.

My chest was starting to feel heavy again. Bile rose to my throat, but I managed to say, "Alright."

"Alright." His eyes found mine, and I held his stare until he gave me a slight nod and left in quick strides toward his car. I stayed where I stood with his white shirt in my hand, the one he had tossed at me, and stared at it while my mind was trying to decide what I should feel right now.