There has to be an After for Us ~ (shadam / klance)

Chapter 21 - In the absence of fear

Lance couldn't stop apologizing. For seeing all these deeply personal moments from Keith's life, for knowing Keith had to live through them – carry them with him - for not knowing how to comfort Keith as they all played out...

Lance was crying. He couldn't help it. He hadn't known and he was so sorry.

Lance hated what this was doing to Keith, but in a way he was glad he was there to bare witness. Understanding was dawning on Lance now. This is what Keith had been through. This was every one he loved disappearing on him. Lance understood why Keith was standoffish now. Of course Keith pushed people away just like he'd watched Keith push away Adam. How much trauma and heartbreak could fit into one boy? How could Keith ever find it within himself to trust again? No wonder Keith thought he should sacrifice himself for the team for... who he loved?

It dawned on Lance that he'd been going about things all wrong. Standing ten feet back from Keith and waving his arms wasn't the way to get Keith to notice him. Keith was never going to come to Lance. Keith was never going to drop hints to let Lance know it was safe to approach. Keith had walls. Lance needed to walk on up and... knock? It had worked before.

Keith had every reason to be afraid, but Lance didn't and he needed to be brave especially when he saw what was happening to Keith. The way his sorrow was making his body stutter. Keith was letting himself slip away and Lance needed to get past being afraid and get down in the dirt with Keith, to reach around and hold him. Hold Keith like he'd imagined all those times while pretending his brain wasn't going there. And he must've thought of it because his mullet felt so soft and familiar against his cheek. He must've memorized that feeling when Keith had carried him to the healing pod. He must've drawn it up late at night, holding it gently in his thoughts, refusing to look at it directly, scared if he looked at it directly it would disappear. Now it was Keith who was threatening to disappear.

"I can't understand." Lance didn't know if he was too late. He could feel Keith flickering in his arms like a light during a storm, threatening to go out. "Because the only person I ever lost came back. You came back to me, didn't you Keith? Tell me you won't leave me again."

"Lance," sputtered Keith. "What do you –?"

"I want you to see something," said Lance. A memory washed in around them...

"Shiro, can I ask you something?" Lance walked into the lounge.

"Of course, Lance. What's up?" said Shiro, putting down the tablet he'd been looking at.

"Uh... you're gay, right?" said Lance, sitting next to Shiro on the couch.

"Last I checked."

Lance paused, scrunching up his eyebrows. "Oh, so it can change?"

Shiro looked confused. "No it... Sorry, Lance, what did you want to ask me about?"

"I guess it's about being gay and how you knew."

"Oh well...," began Shiro, but Lance was already cutting him off with one of his famous rambles.

"Because a friend of mine - and I know sometimes people say 'a friend of mine' when they really mean themselves, but I definitely mean a friend and not myself – he thought he was straight, but then that friend has started to have feelings for a boy."

"I see," said Shiro. "I'm sure that's confusing for... your friend."

"Yeah, really confusing. Especially since he's only ever had crushes on girls before. Do you think he's turned gay?"