Smoking gun

Angry

Today dean was in a weird mood. I couldn't quite put my finger on it till lunch. We had started sitting under this patch of trees away from everyone this week. As he sat monster in hand and black hair in his eyes , his back leaning against the tree trunk. He pulled me into his lap and squeezed me really tight. "I love you " he said his head buried in my neck.
And In my head I saw warning signs and flashing sirens. But I didn't show any of that in my face " I love you too" I said.
I only said it because he did. And I'm about to sound like such an asshole. But truthfully this is what was going on in my head. I love what you do for me dean, I love how you make me feel, and how you protect me. But love? Have I ever really loved anyone in life? My parents? Or friends? I'm really not sure. I think I do. But I know that I could live without them and never have a second thought. I could leave and never think of them again. I do this thing in my mind, some strange emotional block.  The last guy I was with was TJ. And Tj was great, I liked him so much, he was really good to me. But at some point I thought he liked one of my friends better. And it turns out he didn't, but as soon as  I thought he didn't like me I stoped liking him. I don't know how I just was no longer attracted to him. And no matter what I couldn't see him the way I had before. Before I was so attached, I like him sooo much. And then it just dissolved into thin air. So I broke up with him. I can be all over a guy one day and forget his name the next. I don't know why I'm that way. But I'm pretty hard to hurt.

In deans arms I felt so warm and loved. (It's a comfort I still miss) I never thought life was so perfect that I could find everything I wanted in a guy, but dean really had it all. Kinda quiet .But his face kinda does the talking for him. He's just that kind of guy. I could smell him, his body wash he smelled like something sweet and spicy. I love that smell. I didn't keep his sweatshirt like in all of the chic flicks. I had his school scarf. It smells like him and keeps me warm, cuz I lost mine. Laying my head on his lap and looking up at him I realize , I'm glad that he loves me. That he's not going to leave me like every father figure in my life. I have his heart and It makes me so happy. And in that moment I put my guard down. I'm ready to really let him in.  He smiles at me and says" Are you ready for this weekend?" Yea , I reply. "You gonna pick me up tomorrow? "5:30 don't forget " ughhhhh, I'm not looking forward to getting up that early.   "Promise coffee!!!" I whine and he pretends to roll his eyes. "Okay " he mutters. And then he slides his hand under my shirt and slides it off my shoulder just a tad and kisses my neck. "Don't leave a hickey again, "I whisper giggling, "that tickles."
Next period is gym which we usually skip. So we reluctantly get up to go meet our friends by the bleachers. We walk over trying our best to be sneaky, but we really weren't very good at it. We see our friends and wave. It's finally cold and the ski trip is this weekend so every one is excited and talking about our preparations. The boys will take turns driving and we'll leave two days early. Kyle has some family friends at the resort where our trip was taking place, so we got a good deal to drive up early and have some fun. I'll have to hit the mall with the girls to get some clothes for the snow. Also a new swim suit for the hot tub. I lost like fifteen pounds in the last three months. Not a lot but on my figure it's very noticeable, I'm tall and I was skinny before. Dean still hasn't brought it up and I'm thankful for being spared that awkward conversation. As we walked back to the building for class dean asked if I could go out tonight. "Where to?" I ask. "The movies." He said, his voice low and gravely reminding me of our first date. Ok" I reply. I watch him walk away , admiring the view. He was so beautiful, everything about him. Not in his individual features, but all together. He was literally a piece of artwork. Every thing about him excited me, he is like a story, an enigma. I wonder when he'll tell me. More about himself I mean. I've always been a fantastic Judge of character. But was my attraction clouding my judgement?
Dean told me he loves me. That's such an insane thing to hear when ur sixteen. But I don't question it. He doesn't know all of the crazy things that have happened to me. But he spent so much time with me, when we're in the same room full of kids it's like this: every person in the room is a different color, they see the world through that color. And Dean is on the same channel as I am. We see through the same red tinted glasses. There is just an undeniable connection.

School ends and dean and I head straight to his truck. As soon as I get in I put in a MGK cd. After I mentioned that I liked him, dean bought one of his cds and keeps a couple of my favorite cds in the car. It was a short drive, only ten minutes and I sing to the tracks till we pull up to the mall. "Where should we eat?" Dean asks glancing over at me. " Let's get sushi from the food court then eat in the car!" I say kind of excited about the prospect. Dean doesn't even bat an eye. He's used to this. I hate big spaces, I rlly do. It's like opposite claustrophobia. I don't feel safe in big spaces, as I child I begged to have my closet as my bedroom. Idk why I'm like that. I have no good reason. Dean doesn't seem to mind tho. It's more fun anyway, we can be alone together.