Honesty is key in a healthy relationship. If you aren't honest with each other the relationship is doomed, at least according to Taylor. That was the advice she'd always given to her friends, but also the advice she now ignored. She wasn't honest with Karlie. She kept her nighttime adventures a secret from the younger girl, knowing that it would only cause more problems down the line. You can't build a relationship based on a lie. Another piece of advice Taylor conveniently ignored. It wasn't like she was lying to Karlie, she told herself. She just didn't want to burden her.
But then again, if you have to talk yourself into feeling that you are not lying, you probably are.
"I'm sorry mom, I forgot to call. I just lost track of time... No, you don't have to worry I'm fine... I've only been gone for a week... yes mother I know... no I did not forget... I'm not sure yet... of course I know that I have responsibilities in New York... mom I just need some time for myself right now too... yeah I will I love you. Tell dad I said 'hi' okay?"
Taylor woke up to the distant sound of Karlie's voice coming from the living room. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep for, but she knew that it was nowhere near enough. This lack of sleep was slowly taking a toll on her physically and mentally. She was extremely tired during the day, there were bags under her eyes, she felt weak most of the time and she was constantly cold despite the fact that they were in sunny California. Being this tired also meant that she didn't have the mental strength to keep her bad thoughts at bay. It wouldn't be long until Karlie would notice her sneaking out every night.
How could she explain to the green-eyed girl that her racing heart wouldn't let her sleep? How could she explain the feeling of being suffocated by her own thoughts? How could she explain the feeling of being trapped in your own head?
Karlie had now been with her for a little over a week and during that short time Taylor had become depended on the younger girl. Karlie made her feel light during the day. She made her feel normal. That was probably why -despite the nights she couldn't sleep- this was still one of the best weeks of Taylor's life. The only other time she'd been this happy and relaxed was when she and Karlie had been in Big Sur.
But even the sunshine that was Karlie Kloss couldn't keep her inner darkness away for too long. She had distracted Taylor from it for the last few days but little had the blue-eyed girl known that her demons would eventually come back. She had known that it would hit her out of nowhere. It always did. She could be fine for weeks, months even, but then the monsters always came back to torture her. She had only gotten worse from the first night she'd spent on the beach. It's one thing when your heart palpitations won't let you sleep it's even worse when those sleepless nights are accompanied by dark thoughts.
As Taylor lay in bed that Sunday morning, staring at the ceiling she could almost feel the familiar dark shadows surrounding her. Before Karlie, the mornings had always been the hardest. If she had managed to get out of bed she was feeling a little better but the act of getting up was often too much. She couldn't count the days she'd spent in bed over the last few months or even years because she didn't have the power to get up. It was like a heavy weight was weighing her chest down, making it impossible to move. Now she usually woke up in Karlie's arms, which made the mornings easier but the nights were pure torture for her. She felt like the shadows were sucking all her happiness and joy out of her, leaving Taylor with a heavy heart and completely powerless.
As she lay there, her mind was stuck in a vicious cycle. She felt sad, then she wondered why she felt miserable since Karlie made her so happy, then she got mad at herself for being dramatic and upset over nothing when really she should be over the moon and that made her even sadder.
The cycle repeated itself over and over again, driving her insane. She just wanted the voice inside her head to shut up and leave her alone for good. Taylor knew that talking would probably make her feel better, but she was scared that the other girl would get up and leave if she did. Rationally she knew that Karlie would stay with her and help her the best way she could but Taylor's mind was a mess. She wasn't rational.
