Lying on my bed thinking about life, this is how I spent my Sunday. I gave up on life when the doctor diagnosed me with cancer. I gave up on life when I caught my father getting laid with some other woman. I blame myself for all the things that has been happening in my life. I chose this path, I chose the decisions and I must accept all the outcomes, right? But come to think of it. I am not the one who wished for this cancer to happen and I never prayed for my dad to cheat. And you expect me to accept all these? You expect me to fight? You expect me to man up and have courage? Why me? Why me of all people. I know everyone has their own problems, has their battles to fight for. But I didn't sign up for this, so as they. Why do we have to keep on fighting even we never ask for this? I can't understand the logic behind having faith in Him and be brave, have courage they say. Why test our faith and give us consequences when we failed? Why make us miserable? Why? To understand life? To live our life to the fullest? Why give us life and take it away when we least expect? There are so many questions that was left unanswered. But one thing I knew, I still believe in Him.
I stood up from my bed, and dressed myself up. Made my way downstairs and saw my mom cooking.
"What's for lunch?" I asked and embraced the woman whom I never give up loving. She's the reason why I keep on fighting. The reason behind all the smiles even though all I want is to cry myself out.
"You alright?" She asked 'coz I barely do this and she always knows what's up. "Fine, just thinking." I answered and let go of her. I sat on the sofa and start tapping on my phone.
After a few minutes, my younger brother came. "Ate, let's play." He said. And then we played.
I love this kid, even though he's not a kid anymore. I love him even though he gets into my nerves sometimes. I love him no matter how annoying he can be. As we were playing, my character died and I'm waiting for a minute before I can play again. Then noticed my mom, arranging the plates for our lunch. I put down my phone and helped her make the plates.
Then she asked again, "Is everything okay?" "Mom, let's talk some other time." I answered her and called out my Kuya. "Kuya! It's time for lunch!" I shouted for him to hear me all the way up.
I resent him sometimes for being so stubborn but I always admire his warm and gentleness when it comes to us, his family. I like the way he man up and acts like a real Kuya, the brother who will always have your back and will always protect you. I may not have a father but everything is perfect. I'm trying to forgive him. Know that I'm really trying but every time I try, I always go back to that day when I caught him. I want to forget, but every time I want to forget, it always bring back that feeling. The feeling that made my heart stop and then made it shatter into pieces. I was never this determine in holding a grudge, but every time I see or hear the woman's name, I wish I can turn back time and how I wish I made her taste her own medicine. I was supposed to forgive, I was supposed to pray for those who hurt me. But why do I have to do those? Come to think of it, did they think about the people that will get hurt? Did they ever think about the pain they're causing other people? I guess not, so why the hell would I care?
As soon as we finish eating, I helped my mom clean up. My younger brother went up and so as my Kuya, they always do this, well sometimes they help. I stood beside my mom in front of the sink, as she washes the dishes, she asked "You're alright? Right?" "I'm not, mom." I said trying to hold back all the tears.
"We can do this. Together. With your brothers." After those words, I couldn't help it. Then the waterworks came along.
"Come in here." She said with her wide open arms.
"It's so hard. It's like I want to not give up but there will always something making me want to give up." I said sobbing like a baby who lost her pacifier.
"I thought about that, giving up. But I also thought about why now, after all the things I've been through? Why the hell would I give up now? After all the battles, my daughter had been fighting? Am I really allowed to give up? While my daughter is still trying? You're my strength. You three are my strength. You three are the reason why I keep on wanting to wake up every day. You three are the reason why I want to stay and fight. So, don't you give up on me. Not now. Not ever. Okay?" And then I made my mom cry. I hugged her tight and we try to laugh it off.
Crazy right? But that's life, it will sometimes make you do crazy things. I may not have a perfect life, but my mom will always try to make it perfect for us.
