I wasn't able to walk for a month because my femur, the thigh bone is getting weaker and slimmer. One wrong move and I might break it.
It was October 1, 2019, I forgot to support my right leg and it hit me. My pain was at its peak, it was a 10. I screamed that night, it was the worst night for me because of the pain that's eating me up.
My mom didn't know what to do, my Kuya rushed in and asked what happened.
"Kuya ang sakit sobra! Kuya please! Tulungan mo ko." I was screaming and begging for help.
Because even the slightest movement is killing me. I was sitting down, crying and shouting. My voice is the only one echoing in the corners of our house.
My dad came and my youngest brother.
"Papa ayoko na. Papa please ayoko na. Ang sakit. Sobra!" I was losing every hope and faith that I have. Sa sobrang sakit hindi ko na alam gagawin ko and all I want is to die right in front of them.
My best friend's sister administer the pain reliever but the side effects had hit me. I felt dizzy and I had the feeling that this is the end.
"Kuya ikaw na bahala kay Mama ha. Huwag mong pababayaan si Kish. Ikaw na rin bahala kay Papa. Kuya sorry. Hindi ko na talaga kaya."
"Pa. Papa huwag mo pababayaan sarili mo ha."
"Si Rain. Papa, Kuya, si Rain nasabihan niyo na ba?"
"Mama? Nasaan si Mama?"
"Jai! Mahal na mahal ka ng ate."
I want to say good bye to all of them but another side effect hit me and I felt an urge that I needed to vomit. As I throw up, I budged and have kicked my right leg. I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was worst than 10. The pain was worst than worst.
My femur broke. My bone gave up.
"Kuya! Kuya! Sobrang sakit! Hindi ko na talaga kaya. Mas masakit 'to compare dun sa kanina! Kuya hindi ko na kaya! Sobrang sakit! Ang sakit sakit!" I shouted.
"Lord, ayoko na please! Kung ano mang kasalanan ko patawarin niyo na ako. Ayoko na parang awa niyo na. Lord please! Take away my pain! Make it all go away!"
My faith and hope have lost its grip on me. The pain was the only thing I was feeling that night.
I was rushed in St. Luke's Hospital in Quezon City for the replacement of my bone. I have spent half of the October in that place and have felt the love that I thought I was losing on the day where pain is the only thing that I was feeling.
The doctors did everything they could, to make my pain go away. And fortunately, with the highest dosage of pain reliever, my pain simply walked away.
They have to do a traction, this is a process they do on broken bones to avoid friction.
I've waited for days for them to prepare me for my operation. The operation was called wide resectioning of my right proximal femur with the application of megaprosthesis. For its simplification, they did cut a large portion of my thigh bone and have replaced it with a titanium. In short, I am now partly an Iron Woman. Jokes that my family have made.
I have so much I want to tell and share with you guys, the things that have happened inside the hospital, the love and care everyone have been showing and most importantly, how my faith and love for Him strengthened.
That night, where I was in my agonizing pain I was starting to blame Him for all the things that has been happening to me.
I thought it was over. I thought we agreed on something. I thought You heard my prayers. I thought You love me. I thought You are God.
Those were the words that kept on running through my mind. I was blaming Him. I was getting mad at Him. I was starting to put my anger in my heart. It was starting to get dark in here but my mom didn't let it.
She prayed and prayed. Over and over again. She didn't lose her faith even though there are chances that she might lose her only daughter. She made her grip so tight even though her daughter's hands were slipping.
Her God saved her daughter.
Our God had made the impossible and made me walk again.
Now, December 12, 2019.
I'm staying at Quezon City for my scheduled radiotherapy. And again radiation needed to contain this cancer sh*t and stop it from spreading.
I want to close this chapter.
This chapter of pain and welcome my blessed new year with my total healing, with my God's, my family's, my friends' and my man's never ending love and with a hope and kindness in my heart.
To my Mom, I know it will always be difficult and I know that, until now your heart is still uneasy of the uncertainties of my health. And I know there are nights that you cry yourself to sleep, praying for my faith, for my strength and for my happiness and hoping that I didn't get sick. I want to assure you that I will never lose it again and I'll make sure that I will always be strong enough and brave enough whatever God has for me.
To my Father, Papa you are now starting a new life without us. I want you to know na pinapatawad na kita. Hindi ko makakalimutan yung sakit pero gusto kong malaman mo na wala na yung galit dito sa puso ko. I want you to know that I have forgiven the both of you. I want your new family to be happy. I want you to live with happiness and love in your heart. And I want you to accept what is happening in my life. I want you to accept God again, don't blame Him or yourself, because I am sick.
To my brothers, Kuya! It will always be difficult. Life will always give you burden and life will give you stress. But please promise me, you won't give up. You will keep on fighting. And you will always have kindness in your heart. "Mapapagod tayo pero hindi susuko."
Jai! Mahal na mahal ka ni Ate. Ikaw ang saya sa buhay namin. Bilib na bilib ako sa talino at katapangan mo. Sa sakit na mga nararamdaman mo, sorry dahil hindi ka napoprotektahan ni Ate. Sorry kung hinayaan kong maramdaman mo lahat ng sakit at pagod. Sana huwag mong pababayaan ang sarili mo.
To my Man, thank you for always making me happy. You are the only person for me. My love for you will always be the one constant in this life.
To my family, you know me as the silliest cousin, niece and granddaughter. You know me as the person who laughs hard, the person who makes the jokes, the warmest person, the jolly person and the bravest person. Thank you for all the love.
To you, who is reading this chapter, thank you for making time for me. Thank you for giving time to know a chapter in my life. Thank you for your prayers and the love you've been giving despite your busy day. Thank you for being God's instrument in spreading kindness and love.
I'm not bidding my good byes, I'm just simply thankful.
And lastly, Lord God, thank you. You have given me the love na walang sino man ang makakahigit. You are my strength and will always be my God. I am healed and You have made me an instrument to other people that have been losing their belief in You.
